Opening Statement: Ok it is obvious that I need to address the situation of changing the team name. We are a team that is all about the big play, the homerun ball, or the ESPN Top Play of the Week if you will. Therefore, I didn’t find “The Thundering Turd” to be quite as fitting as I had originally thought. We are a team built around the mentality that if you can’t average more than 7 points a game, you are sitting your ass on the bench!
Therefore, I found the team name “4th and Schlong” to be a much better fit for us and our program. We like to treat every play like its 4th and long. And as you know, our Special Teams playbook consists of nothing but trick-plays designed for 40 yard gains. Matter of fact, we released our punter last week. To trick our opponents, we dress Ben Roethlisberger in our punter’s jersey. Big Ben just treats it as if he is in the Big Shotgun formation.
On the upcoming game against the Hit Squad: Well we decided to delve into the rule book early on this week. We were in search for any rule limiting us to a certain amount of pads for the players to wear. We have yet to find anything of the sort in the rule book, but will be happy to answer questions from commissioner Phillip Campbell.
We, as well as many other teams, are very anxious to see all of our players remain injury-free on Sundays. The Hit Squad has been known all season for giving up the big play, currently standing 2nd worst in the league with 491 points allowed. Coach Daniel Campbell wants to take advantage of this statistic in this weekend’s game. “We have to be careful when we go for the big play against these guys. They like to let you make the big catch at times. But as soon as your two feet hit the ground, expect to get your neck broken. Their safeties, at times, are referred to as the Bash Brothers. They have no problem sending anyone to the hospital”.
On Matt Forte’s HUGE performance in Week 5: “Life is like a box of chocolates with this guy”, said Coach Campbell. “You just never know what you’re gonna get”. 4th and Schlong have contemplated starting Forte every single week. Forte was seen at practice in Week 3 setting up a tea party for he and his stuffed animal friends. Coach Campbell tried not to look too far into it and gave him the start anyway. He immediately regretted it, as Forte cost the team the game.
Coach Campbell stated that, “Forte is going to have to work for his playing time from now on. We can’t keep having the sporadic Forte that we have seen in the first 5 weeks.” This is simply because the team has now gotten their hands on Brandon Jacobs and Marshawn Lynch. Jacobs is seeing more and more goal line action for the Giants, and is a prime candidate to be traded and to feature as another team’s starting back. Marshawn Lynch is riding the same boat here. He was just traded to Seattle, where it is thought that he will get the bulk of the carries over the struggling Justin Forsett. Coach Campbell has been very happy with these two and the work that they have put in at practice.
On being very predictable with the play calling: Coach Campbell was informed that his Offensive Coordinator, Doug Flutie, is being quite predictable with his play calling. Campbell quickly interrupted, “Are you $%&*#*$& kidding me!!!! We are the highest scoring team in the league and have been since Week 1!!!! Yeah we have 3 plays, deal with it!!! First play is GO LONG, second play is GO LONGER, and the third play is just GO UNTIL YOU FEEL PIGSKIN IN YOUR HANDS!!!!” It became very evident in the press conference that Coach Daniel Campbell is very confident in Peyton Manning’s throwing abilities. “Do you guys know who my Offensive Coordinator is? Do you know why he is here? To help my team score some damn points! This is the guy that brought you Flutie Flakes! This is the guy that threw the Hail Flutie pass on November 23rd, 1984 to Gerald Phelan to propel Boston College to a win over the University of Miami! We will continue to be predictable……just try to stop our 3 plays!”
Coach Campbell then stormed out of the press conference. Reporters slowly filed out of the press conference, only to find Coach Campbell pumping out push-ups with no shirt. This week’s game with the Hit Squad should be something for the ages.
Parental advisory is recommended.
No comments:
Post a Comment