Opening Statement: If you can’t tell, I’m pissed off. We were outplayed, out hustled, and most importantly, we were out coached. I am extremely disappointed in the performance of many of my players. We lacked focus, effort, and enthusiasm. We had a great opportunity in front of us and, much like my alma mater, we laid a big fat egg. We got our nose bloodied up pretty good. We are going to get back to practice and focus on fundamentals, especially running the football. I’m not giving you any bullshit excuses so don’t ask me any bullshit questions.
On Lack of a Running Game in Hell’s Fury I: It was the most pathetic rushing performance I have ever been a part of. My two running backs combined for one point. One point? ONE POINT! Coach Young runs a blitzing style 3-4 defense. We were prepared, we simply didn’t execute. When we did create holes, my backs were too busy twisting their dreadlocks and not running downhill. I expect a lot more from our running game and I will get it from this point forward.
On How You Will Get Production from the Running Game Going Forward: You remember Laurence Maroney? Remember all the bullshit you guys wrote about him when he was traded to Denver about how he was going to get the run game going in the absence of Moreno and whatnot? Well guess what? You were wrong, so we cut his sorry ass. Each and every one of you morons who wrote those stories about him should be fired. Next question.
On a Possible ‘Trap Game’ Against The Illegal Aliens? Trap game? WTF? The last time I checked we are 2-2 and in 7th place overall. This is not a 7th place organization. We are focused on Safety Blitz and Safety Blitz alone. Our next opponent will get our best effort, and that just happens to be The Green Carded Immigrants. Trap game? I trap bears in the Alaskan wilderness in the offseason. I trap them with one hand on their throat and use the other hand to beat the hell out it. Sometimes I throw in an eye gouge in honor of Ric Flair. That’s the only trap game I know how to play.
On Implementing Coach Young’s 6 a.m.-6 p.m. Practice Plan: My staff and I are considering it. We are also considering the tugboat crew’s schedule on the mighty Mississippi. They work 30 days on, 30 days off. I’m not sure what we are going to do yet, but I’ll tell you this: my guys are gonna pay the price.
On the Strategy Against The Illegal Aliens: Don’t let their record fool you, they’re a solid team capable of making noise in this league. They have been hit with a lot of bad luck so far this season. I am looking for their passing game to get on track this week with Moss bringing a ton of energy to Minnesota and hooking up with a first ballot HOF quarterback. They present a lot of unknowns in our preparation with both Moss and the newly acquired Fred Jackson.
On the Starting Running Backs This Week: AP is back and he is ready to punish a tough Jet’s defense. Ryan Torrain has worked his ass off on the practice squad and he deserves a chance to play this weekend. The third spot is going to be a game-time decision between Thomas Jones and Shonn Greene.
On the Expectations for Mark Clayton: My expectations are the same for every player. Win. Period. By any means necessary. Just win. He has played well for us on the practice squad all year and I expect nothing less from him on Sunday.
On Coaching Against Your Father: It’s no secret that he coached me since I was five or six years old. He taught me so many lessons in life, I don’t know where to start. He taught me what it means to ‘sacrifice for the family’ on a road trip to St. Louis. If I recall correctly, it was also in St. Louis that he taught me how to ‘GET UP!!!!’ He also showed me how to put olives in my eyes at the supper table during Christmas dinner one year.
On Rumors That You Coached Last Weekend Under the Influence: C’MERE BOY! (Grabs reporter by the throat and slams him against the wall) IT’S NO SECRET THAT JACK AND I ARE GREAT COMPANIONS AND SPEND A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER. YOU LEAVE JACK OUTTA THIS, YA HEAR? (Whispering in reporter’s ear) I’m also friends with the Undertaker. If you would like to see some of his caskets, keep asking stupid questions.
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