Confederation Cup III

#4 Run DMC @ #2 Safety Blitz

Run DMC

QB: Colin Kaepernick - 17
RB: Ray Rice - 12
RB: Shane Vereen - 3
WR: Michael Crabtree - 3
WR: Julio Jones - 30
TE: Aaron Hernandez - 8
FL: Torrey Smith - 6
DEF: San Francisco - 5
K: Stephen Gostkowski - 7

Total --------------------------------> 91

Safety Blitz

QB: Tom Brady - 14
RB: Frank Gore - 21
RB: Steven Ridley - 5
WR: Wes Welker - 17
WR: Roddy White - 10
TE: Tony Gonzalez - 13
FL: Michael Turner - 3
DEF: New England - 1
K: Matt Bryant - 6

Total -----------------------------> 90

Divisional Lineups

#4 Run DMC @ #1 The Can't Beat Anybody's

Run DMC

QB: Russell Wilson - 37
RB: Marshawn Lynch - 11
RB: Frank Gore - 21
WR: Eric Decker - 8
WR: Randall Cobb - 4
TE: Aaron Hernandez - 8
FL: Michael Crabtree - 23
DEF: Seattle - 3
K: Matt Prater - 5

Total----------------------------> 120

The Can't Beat Anybody's

QB: Tom Brady - 31
RB: Danny Woodhead - 0
RB: John Kuhn - 0
WR: Roddy White - 13
WR: Demayrius Thomas - 9
TE: Rob Gronkowski - 0
FL: Greg Jennings - 11
DEF: Denver - 14
K: Matt Bryant - 13

Total----------------------------> 91

#3 We Got Big TD's @ #2 Safety Blitz

We Got Big TD's

QB: Peyton Manning - 23
RB: Knowshon Moreno - 11
RB: Michael Turner - 9
WR: Andre Johnson - 9
WR: James Jones - 14
TE: Tony Gonzalez - 11
FL: Golden Tate - 16
DEF: San Francisco - 5
K: Shayne Graham - 10

Total-----------------------------> 108

Safety Blitz

QB: Aaron Rodgers - 22
RB: Ray Rice - 19
RB: Arian Foster - 27
WR: Wes Welker - 13
WR: Julio Jones - 5
TE: Joel Dreesen - 4
FL: Stevan Ridley - 15
DEF: Atlanta - 5
K: Stephen Gostowski - 11

Total-----------------------------> 121

Wild Card Weekend

#6 The Pessimists @ #3 We Got Big TDs

The Pessimists:

QB: RGIII - 13
RB: Ray Rice - 7
RB: Alex Green - 0
WR: Andre Johnson - 6
WR: Greg Jennings - 6
FL: Anquan Boldin - 20
TE: Jermichael Finley - 1
DEF: Green Bay - 12
K: Shayne Graham - 14

Total-------------------------> 79

We Got Big TDs

QB: Aaron Rodgers - 17
RB: Arian Foster - 23
RB: Benjarvis Green Ellis - 6
WR: Jordy Nelson - 5
WR: Golden Tate - 3
FL: Torrey Smith - 3
TE: Dennis Pitta - 8
DEF: Baltimore - 12
K: Blair Walsh - 4

Total------------------------> 81

#5 Riley's Vikings @ #4 Run DMC

Riley's Vikings

QB: Russell Wilson - 19
RB: Alfred Morris - 8
RB: Vick Ballard - 9
WR: Sidney Rice - 2
WR: James Jones - 5
FL: Randall Cobb - 0
TE: Kyle Rudolph - 4
DEF: Seattle - 8
K: Adam Vinatieri - 12

Total-------------------------> 67

Run DMC

QB: Andrew Luck - 10
RB: Adrian Peterson - 9
RB: Marshawn Lynch - 17
WR: AJ Green - 8
WR: Reggie Wayne - 11
FL: Pierre Garcon - 5
TE: Owen Daniels - 9
DEF: Houston - 9
K: Justin Tucker - 6

Total-------------------------> 84

Safety Blitz Hell's Fury V Press Conference

Opening Statement: Thank you all for being here today. I apologize for my limited availability during weeks 1 and 2; however, magazine drive fundraisers to generate revenue for the league prevented me from allocating much of my time to media relations. With that out of the way along with an early-season controversy finally being settled, I should be able to make myself available to the media on a more regular basis.

Now, on to the reason that you are here: We have a huge game this week, there is no secret behind that. On paper, we have a great football team, to the point that we potentially have the greatest team that Safety Blitz has put on the field in the history of our franchise. But just like I told my guys, potential doesn't mean anything unless you prove it on the field. Case in point: Josh Hughes had the potential to be a college athlete, but instead he is smoking blunts and driving a forklift every day.

We were able to break the ice and get a victory over YGF last year in Week 17, but let's not kid ourselves here: Coach Young's squad wasn't at 100% and they were getting rest for their playoff run. It's just like a few years ago when the Colts were undefeated in the regular season going into the final weeks and they decided to sit Manning-yeah, they got beat, but who wants to hang their hat on that? We are gonna get YGF at full strength this week so we will have a better idea of how we match up late Monday night.

Curtis Marlin, Portland Leader: Coach Campbell, in his press conference earlier this week, Coach Young stated that he and Run DMC were the premier programs in the BHFFC. How do you and the other league coaches feel about this statement?

Coach Campbell: Well Curtis, opinions are like assholes; everybody has one. At the end of the day the bottom line is who has their name on the Confederation Cup, and the last time I checked I don't believe that either of those two coaches have their name on the Cup at this point in time.

Monte Hale, DNJ: Coach Campbell, you and Coach Young share a long, storied history dating back as far as Nicks Hall in the late 90's. Have the competitions between you two always been so one-sided in his favor?

Coach Campbell: Monte, you're trying to create a controversy and I'm not biting. Listen, Coach Young has a plethora of fantasy football experience, so I know that every time we square off it's an opportunity for me to learn something. But if you think for one second he dominates every encounter we have had, you need to ask him about the nascar and hockey video games we used to play!

Goose Lindsay, Roane County News: Coach, there are rumors that you have a special surprise guest that will serve as honory captain for Safety Blitz this weekend. Can you shed any light on that situation?

Coach Campbell: Goose! It's great to see you son. How long did it take you to travel here from Oakdale in your horse and buggy? Anyway, yes we have a surprise guest this weekend: Big Rose will be serving as honorary captain for us on Sunday. Big Rose recently tweeted about beating Young's ass at The Pond at Kingwood, so we figured we would invite him out this weekend to add a psychological advantage for our club. On top of that, the city of Portland will be ecstatic to have a native Pulaskian and dairy farmer in the stadium with us this weekend.

If there are no other questions, I would like to thank everyone for attending today and wish everyone in the league good luck this weekend. I look forward to seeing you again next week after a big Safety Blitz victory this weekend!

Young Gun Football Hell's Fury V Press Conference

Coach Young: “I’d like to thank all you brainless media pundits for taking a break from suckling the Obama teet for a few minutes to finally cover the BHFFC. As you know, you guys have been banned from Hell’s Half Acre for the first two weeks of the season due to the court ruling involving YGF’s Director of Player Personnel Travis Lawson’s pending hearing for some incidents with you media idiots at the end of last season. It has also come to my attention that he may be facing a ban from Run DMC’s facility, as well as, sanctions from the BHFFC. I’ll speak for a moment about the season and this week’s huge rivalry game.”

“YGF will never be satisfied until we win the Confederation Cup. That is the one and only goal of this organization. Julio Jones forgot that last Monday night when he took for granted a TD catch and lost focus and the ball. It cost us the game and he paid for it every morning this week. Let’s just say he’s familiar with every step in Hell’s Half Acre’s 98,500 seat stadium. Matty-Ice is on a tear. I think he could surpass Aaron Rodgers numbers here last season. My RB situation is a bit complicated, but Stephen Ridley has stepped up and said “feed me the ball coach” and we are doing so. Larry Fitzgerald and Eric Decker better step it up or they will be in here with Julio at 4:45 am. Gronkowski will do what he does and that is score points and score with the pornstars. One of our box suites has been converted into an onsite strip club and is the only stadium in the BHFFC to have lap dances and strip teases during games. This is why my K, Sebastien Janikowski has been nursing an injured groin all season. I believe Campbell’s Cougars had an onsite strip club located behind a concession stand dumpster, but it was shut down due to a herpes pandemic.”

“This week’s game will decide the entire season for both teams this weekend. Safety Blitz is one of only 3 teams without a loss and after YGF’s choke job last week; we are essentially 2 games back in our division. Right now the line on Hell’s Fury V is a pick at 105 apiece. I fully expect to take Coach Campbell’s best shot this week, but his guys better have their helmets welded on because we intend to give it right back. This should be like a heavy weight fight with both guys slugging it out in the middle of the ring.  Last year, Safety Blitz finally drew blood in the series and we are ready to exact some revenge! Whoever wins this game will be off to a great start and will be poised to make a playoff run; the loser will have a long, uphill battle for the rest of the season. I’m sure Portland will be rocking this weekend, but we will be ready for the war.”

Adam Sparks, DNJ: “Coach, one quick question if I may? Would you care to comment on the league upheaval with regards to the trade veto and subsequent name calling?”

Coach Young: “Finally a decent question from a horrible sportswriter. First let me say that my vote was to veto the trade. As time has progressed, it seems the trade may not have been as lopsided as many originally thought, but I would vote to veto any trade that may help Run DMC in any manner. Coach Dan Campbell has been one of the top teams in this league and is the only reason YGF hasn’t been regarded as the one super-power of the BHFFC. That; and our horrible playoff record. Secondly, as to the name calling, I find it comical that it even caused a stir. I found it rather amusing to be honest. If you don’t like what YGF says or the way we vote, then come step on the field with us and do something about it where it counts. Keep in mind though, most teams that have been out there with us leave with their head a little lower and their mouths shut and that is the YGF way. We do our talking on the field. See you out there.” …the lights dim and Coach Young exits to Metallica’s version of “The Ecstasy of Gold” (Theme from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.)

Week 2 Recap, Week 3 Preview

WEEK 2 RECAP

 

Game of the Week: The Pessimists (91) @ Riley's Vikings (85)

 

Coach BJ Hudson led his Pessimists to victory on the road against Riley's Vikings. The Pessimists, one of only two undefeated teams in the BHFFC, were led by an astounding 31 point performance by Reggie Bush. Coach Hudson was ecstatic with Bush's performance, stating, "Hell, he only weighs 135 pounds. He wrestles in the same weight class as Josh Hughes!" Coach Adam Warren's team was hit or miss in Week 2. RG3 showed out again with 32 points, but it wasn't enough 4 other positions combined to score 4 points for the week. An amazing stat from this game is that Arian Foster scored 20 points for Riley's Vikings while his backup, Ben Tate, scored 21 points, albeit from the bench.

 

Manager Prediction Results

1. Jason Young 4-2 (67%)
2. Phillip Campbell 2-4 (33%)

League Notes

 

Safety Blitz scored a league high and franchise record 127 points in Week 2...Play Action Pass' starting lineup outscored their bench by one point...Maddawg's Tight End scored 95 points despite their DEF scoring -3 points...Two teams scored over 100 points in Week 2...Home teams were 2-4 in Week 2...Favorites went 4-2 in Week 2...Eli Manning and RG3 led all players with 32 points...Reggie Bush led the mail carriers with 31 points...Hakeem Nicks led all pass catchers with 25 points...Vernon Davis led all claimed tight ends with 19 points...The Packers led all DEF with 20 points...Stephen "Wide Left" Gostkowski led all kickers with 17 points.

 

WEEK 3 PREVIEW

 

Game of the Week: Young Gun Football (-6) @ Safety Blitz

 

Hell's Fury V is set to take place this weekend in Portland as YGF invades "The Town on the Grow" to battle Safety Blitz. Coming off a loss in Week 2, Coach Jason Young has faced questions all week about his squad looking ahead to their Week 3 showdown. In an unorthodox move, however, Coach Young has avoided speaking with the press. We are hoping to receive a press conference from him before this weekend's action kicks off. Safety Blitz is coming off an impressive win last weekend and is also riding the momentum from the franchise's first victory over YGF in last season's Week 17 finale. Coach Phillip Campbell has closed all practices this week and has not made himself available to reporters as of press time.

 

Around the League

 

The Pessimists and The Can't Beat Anybody's currently share the longest winning streak in the league at two games...We Got Big TDs is projected to lead the league with 117 points...The injury bug has hit hard this week, with several key players across the league listed as doubtful or out for this weekend's action...Week 3 marks the first week of non-divisional play...Week 4 will feature the first bye week for NFL teams...Nine teams are projected to score over 100 points this week...Drew Brees and Matthew Stafford are projected to lead all players with 28 points this week...Calvin Johnson is projected to lead all WR with 18 points...Ray Rice is projected to lead all RB with 18 points...Rob Gronkowski is projected to lead all TE with 14 points...The Bills, Jets, Cardinals & Texans are projected to lead all claimed DEF with 7 points...Robbie "Solid" Gould is projected to lead all K with 14 points...Nine of the top 10 overall scorers so far are QBs...The lone exception is RB CJ Spiller, who currently ranks 3rd with 50 points...Rookie QB RG3 leads the league in scoring with 60 points. 

Run DMC Press Conference Week 3

Coach Campbell:  Please, let’s get this s*** over with….I’ve got a bottle of whiskey waiting for me in the car.  Questions!?!

(reporters all look around nervously at one another, afraid to ask the first question)

Coach Campbell:  Do you have any f***in questions or not? 

Jim Rome:  Coach Campbell, I know that you also coach a traveling soccer team as a second job.  I’d just like you to know that I hate the sport of soccer.  It’s just a bunch of Nazis chasing a ball for 90 minutes.  It’s just not entertaining….I need a higher scoring sport.

Coach Campbell:  First of all Slim Jim, I can’t believe they let you in here with that Jersey Shore haircut.    If you want a high scoring sport, you should watch the players sitting bench for Run DMC each week.  Frankly, I’m proud of the way our guys have played the first two weeks.  Fact is, I just haven’t chosen the right guys to take the field.  I like our depth and, with a little more experience on my part, I think our team could be top of the table.  Granted, I would like a little more consistency from the guys….but I’ll happily take the blame for the first two weeks.

Jim Rome:  Top of the table?  Sounds like a soccer term.  Figure it out, Coach!

Coach Campbell:  Security, could you escort Mr. Rome up here to the stage for me?  I’d like to have a quick “off-the-record” conversation.

(Security brings Jim Rome to the stage, Coach Campbell steps away from the microphone to have a word.  Words are exchanged, the reporters attempt to listen but just can’t make out what is being said.  Suddenly Jim Rome hits the floor like a sack of potatoes.  Coach Campbell takes his seat and speaks into the microphone…)

Coach Campbell:  You know what, I have no problem making that conversation public record.  I was unsure of just how knowledgeable Mr. Rome really was.  So I asked him for the capital of Thailand…..he answered correctly with “Bangkok”, so I proceeded to give him a blatant handball!  Anybody else want to question my favorite sport?

(silence)

Coach Campbell:  That’s what I thought.  Now, I’ll take one final question.

Travis Lawson:  Anybody seen “Cousin” Carl Edwards around here?

Coach Campbell:Damnit Lawson, this is a football conference.  Get out of here.

Travis Lawson:Ehhhhh white power!!! Cousin Carl!!!

Coach Campbell:  Security, please give him a ride home….

Travis Lawson:  Home?  We’re going to Stampede’s….dance hall, saloon, and church! C’mon everybody get in the International…..I’m driving!

(Security helps Mr. Lawson into the backseat of a cop car.)

Coach Campbell:  Moving on, I’d like to make one last closing comment.  I would like to thank the members of BHFFC for vetoing my trade this past week.  As a result of the veto, I got to hold on to the world-class talents of Trent Richardson and Stevie “Touchdown” Johnson.  Also, I kept from getting the injured Ahmad Bradshaw and the unwanted Greg Jennings, as his name begins to swirl in trade rumors.  I would like to apologize to Trent and Stevie for putting their names on the trading block.  But hell, if that’s what it takes to get a combined 201 yards and 3 touchdowns this past weekend….they’ll be on the trading block every week!  Finally, I’d like to apologize to all league members for calling them “pussies”.  I will accept whatever punishment the Commish decides to throw my way.  Thank you.