Week 8 Preview

Game of the Week: Young Gun Football @ One-Man Wolf Pack

Following their grudge match two short weeks ago, Young Gun Football will be out for revenge in this one as they hit the road to take on the Wolf Pack. Young Gun Football, holding a slim one game lead over the Wolf Pack, will send Carson Palmer into the huddle as their starting quarterback with Eli Manning out on a bye. Coach Young is looking for big games from his receivers and is still waiting on a breakout game from Felix Jones to secure a victory. On the other side of the football, Coach Zach Maddux has not revealed his starting lineup for this week's game as of press time. In a move that has become the norm for Coach Maddux, he will wait to make his roster moves until sometime in the late morning hours of the weekend. With his top tight end, kicker, and a solid wide receiver out on a bye, the Wolf Pack will depend heavily on their three-headed monster at running back, Adrian Peterson, Ladanian Tomlinson, and Darren McFadden.

MyPoopIsRonnie&Brown @ Riley's Vikings

Following a derogatory name change late this week that seemingly is directed towards Riley's Viking's running back Ronnie Brown, look for the tempers to flare early and often in this divisional matchup. Coach Daniel Campbell will utilize a three wide receiver set and is hopeful that Marshawn Lynch can turn in a big day against the Raiders. Coach Adam Warren is looking for production from the previously mentioned Brown and is also hopeful that Beanie Wells can turn in a big day against Tampa Bay. These two teams are so evenly matched, look for the winner to be decided by special teams and defense.

Safety Blitz @ The Hail Marys

This battle between husband and wife is not only for bragging rights, but also for first place in the tightly packed Thunder Division. Coach Phillip Campbell faces the task of keeping his men focused after cruising to victory over The Hail Marys in Week 1. Safety Blitz will look to continue their success running the football and are hopeful that upstart quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick will fill in nicely following the loss of Tony Romo. The Hail Marys are planning to put the ball in the hands of Donovan McNabb and will follow his veteran leadership in pursuit of their second straight victory. If Danny Woodhead produces for Coach Tara Campbell, this game could come down to the wire.

Illegal Alien Babies @ The Pessimists

Coach Darrell Campbell has his team full of confidence as they hit the road to face the negativity of The Pessimists. The Alien Babies will send new starting quarterback Josh Freeman under center to feed the big play machine of Randy Moss, Brandon Lloyd, and Brandon Marshall. Coach Campbell is also hoping that the Washington defense can create a plethora of turnovers at Detroit on Sunday. On the opposite sideline, Coach BJ Hudson will continue to ride the back of Chris Johnson and hope that his other running backs can provide some sort of production in the ground game. Look for this game to come down to the flex position.

Hit Squad @ Charlie's Redrockets

Coach David Looper will start his fourth different quarterback on the year as he sends Matt Cassel to lead his troops this week. The Hit Squad will rely heavily on their ground game which should receive a boost with Jonathan Stewart receiving more carries for the Panthers this weekend. While Coach Matthew Campbell has not finalized his starting lineup yet, we know that he will rely heavily on team captain Aaron Rodgers as well as receivers Percy Harvin and Larry Fitzgerald. After employing a twin tight end set for the previous two weeks, it is rumored that the Redrockets will change things up in this non-divisional matchup.

Divisional Rivalry

After 7 weeks and 15 non-divisional matchups, not much has been decided in terms of one division having an upper hand over the other. Coming into this week's games, the Lightning Division holds a slim 8-7 lead over the Thunder Division. The only non-divisional game on tap this week is the Hit Squad at Charlie's Redrockets.

Manager Prediction Standings:

1. Adam Warren 10-5 (67%)
2. Daniel Campbell 21-16 (57%)
3. Phillip Campbell 17-13 (57%)
4. Jason Young 10-9 (53%)
5. ------------------------------------
6. David Looper 2-1 (67%)

Simple Math: Add and Drop

As of press time, Coach Darrell Campbell leads the league in roster moves this week with four so far. With the 4 transactions, the Illegal Alien Babies also reclaimed the most roster moves for the season with 26. The 10 roster moves overall this week are a league low, but at least one team will have to make roster moves to have a full starting lineup this weekend.

Name Change (Again)

Coach Daniel Campbell has changed the name of his team for the second time this season. After starting out as The Thundering Turd, he changed their name to 4th & Schlong after a few mediocre weeks of action. After not sustaining any success as 4th & Schlong, Coach Campbell has changed his team name to MyPoopIsRonnie&Brown. This has prompted complaints from several league members who are wishing to institute the "Dan Campbell Rule" which would limit teams to one team name per season.

League Notes: As of press time, the Hit Squad is projected to lead all teams with 97 points...Peyton Manning is projected to lead all players with 25 points...Arian Foster is projected to lead all running backs with 16 points...Reggie Wayne is projected to lead all wide receivers with 14 points...Antonio Gates is projected to put up 11 points to lead all tight ends...Stephen Gostkowski and Adam Viatieri are projected to lead all kickers with 10 points each...Tampa Bay is projected to lead all defenses with 14 points...My PoopIsRonnie&Brown continues to lead the league in points scored and points against with 715 and 670 respectively...The largest margin of victory in the five games last weekend was 16 points...After a stat correction in the Pittsburg game in which they were awarded an interception, The Hail Marys margin of victory was only 1 point at 93-92...The longest current winning streak is two games for Safety Blitz...Due in large part to injuries, the league as a whole will only have four players on MNF if rosters stay like they are right now.

4th and Schlong Press Conference-Week 8

Opening Statement: Well what do you want me to say here……it was a tough loss to watch slip right through our hands, LITERALLY! We have realized that Monday night performances are not our specialty, as this is the second time this season that we have only needed a mediocre performance on a Monday night. The first time was when we only needed Matt Forte to put up 11 points against the Green Bay defense. This time, the blame fell into the lap of Miles Austin. We needed 6 points for a tie, or 7 for a win. Miles supplied us with 3 catches for 38 yards…….3 points!!! We just aren’t used to seeing back-to-back dud weeks out of our star wide receiver. Overall, it’s very disappointing.

There are rumors swirling about your “Stick em” not being the correct product….? After heavily coating our wide receivers’ hands with the substance, you would think they would play great right? Yeah, we thought the same thing. After the game we investigated a little bit and figured it all out. Our jar of “Stick em” was actually a jar of grease called “Slick em”. We soon after found Coach Tara Campbell’s favorite ink pen on the crime scene. She had snuck in and changed the ‘l’ in slick to a ‘t’. That’s ok, we will see them one more time before the season is over.

Even with their gloves lathered in the wrong substance, we still had Ochocinco and Mike Williams put up huge numbers on the bench for us in Week 7. Ochocinco, prior to week 7, was about to be shipped out to the free agency. He is getting another look this week, as we sent off Patrick Crayton instead.

Why haven’t we seen any trades yet out of your organization? Don’t ask me damnit! Ask all of the other managers in this league. I have valuable players on my team like Big Ben Roethlisberger that won’t get much playing time because of the starters in front of them. Coach Adam Warren of Riley’s Vikings has told me several times that he wants Michael Turner. This was the trade awaiting him this morning……Michael Turner, Ben Roethlisberger, and Donald Driver for Frank Gore and Calvin Johnson. I figured if he doesn’t take that, then he won’t take anything.

Don’t you guys worry…..there will be more trade proposals popping up soon. Other coaches in the league have been teetering back on forth on some of my past trade proposals. You will see some sort of action in the trade market soon, and that’s a guarantee.

Are you nervous about having to go with a 3 WR set this week? Am I?!?! This is possibly the worst week for my RB’s to all go on their byes. We have just started to show a little bit of consistency out of our running game. Now we are forced to go with Jamaal Charles and Marshawn Lynch as our starters this week. They are the only 2 of our 5 backs available this week. Lynch has been taking reps all week and is prepared to put up big numbers in his first start for 4th and Schlong.

The only other time that we went with a 3 WR set this season was in Week 4, when we put up our lowest point total of the season(71). I am nervous about the results, but I trust my guys to go out there with dry gloves this week and get the job done. We have yet to decide which three will get the nod, as Miles and Driver have struggled the past couple of weeks. We were happy to acquire Steve Johnson, as he has a touchdown in four consecutive games. Ocho and Johnson are looking strong, but the third spot is defitely up for the taking. We will give every player plenty of reps in practice this week and figure it out.

What do you think of Coach Phil Campbell’s wagers? I love it! I think that wagers like that are probably what keeps most females out of our league though. Coach Tara Campbell is fearless though! We found that out in our last game. Coach Adam Warren has strangely offered me similar wagers this week. I proceeded to turn them down just like he did all of my trade offers.

What is all the talk about another name change? We started out hot under the name of The Thundering Turd. Then we went on a losing streak. We won our first game under the name 4th and Schlong, but then lost again. It may be superstitious, but our organization is willing to do whatever it takes to win. Yes, we may be shopping new team names. We will let you wait and see.

Any more questions? Good, great, grand!
(Coach Daniel Campbell gives the reporters the gesture to “suck it”, kicks over the table, and walks off)

Safety Blitz Press Conference

Opening Statement: It was a great win but also a devastating loss to our football team for obvious reasons. Tony has been my quarterback ever since I got into this sport. It is going to be tough to not see him out there on Sundays for the rest of the year. However, we are going to overcome this adversity together as a team. I was pleased with all facets of our team last week. We received great production from our running game and our defense finally played up to our standards. Getting Ed Reed back and his playmaking ability was a huge lift to our team.

How will you replace Tony Romo at quarterback? Following his injury on Monday night, my staff and I spent a lot of time contemplating our plan of attack. We evaluated every option, including trades and the waiver wire. At the end of the day though, the answer was already on roster. Matt Ryan is going to utilitze his bye week to develop a rapport with our receiving corps and will then take over our starting quarterback position. If you look at his numbers, they are actually better than the numbers that Tony has produced for us so far this year. I have complete confidence in Matt Ryan to get the job done.

As you are already aware, we picked up Ryan Fitzpatrick to play this week and to serve as the backup quarterback from this point forward. Ryan has progressed his point total in each of the four games that he has played this season and has put up some great numbers in a limited amount of time. He is facing a weak Kansas City secondary that we believe he will be able to exploit through the air.

What are your plans at the wide receiver position with Roddy White on a bye this week? We are still evaluating our options. We have brought in a couple of guys for workouts already this week and we have a few more scheduled for later this week. We are looking for the best fit for our football team and we're keeping all of our options open at this point.

How will you prevent your team from overlooking The Hail Marys after your big victory over them in your first game? We are playing a totally different football team this week than we played against in week 1 and my guys are well aware of that. Coach Tara Campbell has made some impressive moves this year to give her team a chance to win every time they step on the field. We have to give our best effort on Sunday to have a chance. Plus if you haven't noticed, the curves on their head coach are pretty hard to overlook.

How does playing against your wife affect your relationship? Not much. It's alwasy intense at our house. Everything we do is intense. We have a few friendly wagers on the outcome, but nobody is sleeping on the couch or anything like that.

What type of wagers do you have on the game? Are you a moron? Do you have a pair down under? Do I even need to answer this question? Let's just say it has to do with positions, and I'm not talking about on the football field!

Young Gun Football Press Conference-Week 8

On taking back 1^st place in the Lightning Division: “It feels good to get back in the win column this week and climb back into the driver’s seat in the division. The Lightning Division features the top 3 ranked teams in the BHFFC and every division game is a brutal contest. The Pessimists put up a vigilant fight, but in the end their negative attitude on defense was apparent and we exploited that in the 4^th quarter to take back what is rightfully ours – 1^st place. Nobody on this team was in a very celebratory mood after this win though because we have the One-Man Wolfpack to deal with this week and they will be hungry coming off a loss.”

Commenting on the quick turnaround playing the One-Man Wolfpack just 2 weeks after losing to them in an epic battle: “Obviously, there will be a lot of emotion coming into this game. It’s like two hockey teams playing back to back nights - it’s going to be a brawl from start to finish. That’s just the way it is. We have one word around our facility this week – PAYBACK! We have Eli and Bradshaw out with byes, but the Wolfpack has starters out as well. I don’t think we’ll see the scoreboard light up like last time we played, but I think we will definitely see some personal fouls and helmets rolling on the ground. I said earlier in the year that I expected some rivalries to develop on the field this year and I can guarantee you both these squads and both fan bases will tell you this has already become one! To borrow a title from Metallica, I have been calling this game “Of Wolf and Man”.

Commenting on trade rumors swirling earlier in the week that you may pull the trigger on a trade for Ben Rothliesberger: “I don’t know where you guys are getting your information from, but you all know that this organization never reveals any information on internal matters. It’s no secret that Coach Dan Campbell has been shopping trades all over the league, but at this time Young Gun Football has no comment on any trade rumors.”

On the parity that the BHFFC has seen so far as we near the halfway point of the season: “I am amazed how tight the divisions are bunched up right now. The Thunder Division (or as the Lightning Division fans like to call it, The Blunder Division) are all separated by one game. The Lightning Division is just slightly more spaced out with 4 of the 5 teams within a 2 game margin. This season is setting up for an amazing run as the playoffs and even division titles are still within easy reach for every team in the league. It will be a matter of who can take advantage of opportunities.”

Closing Statement: “One-Man Wolfpack – Vengeance Will Be Mine!”

Week 7 Recap

What a weekend of fantasy football it turned out to be! Here's a quick recap of all five games:

Young Gun Football (106) @ The Pessimists (90)

Young Gun Football got their train back on the tracks with a huge MNF performance to reclaim sole possession of first place in the Thunder Division. With both teams having a league record 6 players going on MNF, Coach Young rode the shoulders of Eli Manning and Felix Jones for 27 points and the come from behind victory. Coach BJ Hudon received another disappointing performance from running back Ryan Matthews in the defeat.

Safety Blitz (107) @ One-Man Wolf Pack (104)

Looking at the box score following the conclusion of Sunday's games, Safety Blitz carried a 12 point lead into MNF with their quarterback, Tony Romo, going against the Wolf Pack's Steve Smith. Game over, right? Wrong! Following a bone-crushing hit that resulted in a broken collar bone early in the 2nd quarter, the Wolf Pack looked to be in prime position to steal a victory from the hands of defeat after cutting the deficit to six points at the half. However, Coach Campo and the Cowboys' defense were able to limit Smith the three second half points to secure the hard-fought victory.

4th and Schlong (90) @ The Hail Marys (93)

Despite five players scoring in double digits for her squad during Sunday's action, Coach Tara Campbell held a slim six point lead going into MNF and facing a top five wide receiver in Miles Austin. While victory seemed imminent for the Schlongs, the walls came crumbling down when Tony Romo was forced to leave the game with a shoulder injury. Austin had his chances early, however, as a touchdown pass from Romo in the first quarter went straight through his hands, allowing The Hail Marys to secure their 3rd victory of the year.

Illegal Alien Babies (75) @ The Hit Squad (70)

In this defensive struggle, The Alien Babies used a breakout performance from Willis McGahee and another strong outing from the Seattle defense to overwhelm The Hit Squad. Coach David Looper of The Hit Squad is still looking for production from tight end Brent Celek, who has struggled this season to find a rhythm in the passing game following the departure of Donovan McNabb. With the victory, Coach Darrell Campbell pulled his squad within one game of the final playoff spot.

Riley's Vikings (82) @ Charlie's Redrockets (88)

Behind the strong running of Frank Gore and Michael Bush, Riley's Vikings carried a seven point lead into MNF with only the Dallas defense left to play for the Redrockets. Coach Matthew Campbell had his defense ready to play, however, as they forced three turnovers and received a punt return for a touchdown from rookie sensation Dez Bryant to pull out the come from behind win.

Pickup of the Week:

Without question, the roster acquisition of the week was Coach Matthew Campbell picking up the Dallas Cowboys' defense. With the New York Jets on a bye and his team mired in an early season funk, Campbell deployed the Dallas D to the tune of three turnovers, one sack, and a punt return for a touchdown to lead his team to victory.

Manager Predictions:

1. Phillip Campbell 5-0 (100%)
2. Jason Young 4-1 (80%)
3. Daniel Campbell 3-2 (60%)
4. Matthew Campbell 1-4 (20%)
5. David Looper 0-1 (0%)

Updated manager prediction standings will be available in the Week 8 Preview on Friday.

Trips and Twins:

Teams utilizing three wide receiver sets this week went 1-3. Only one team, Charlie's Redrockets, went with a twin tight end set, installing both Heath Miller and Antonio Gates into the starting lineup for the second straight week. The strategy worked, as the Redrockets won their game 88-82.

Cadillac Nees a Tire Change:

Cadillac Williams has been the league vagabond so far this season. After beginning the year on the practice squad for Safety Blitz, he was released and signed to the practice squad of Young Gun Football. After failing to produce for Coach Young, he was released and immediately resigned by Safety Blitz. Forced to make roster moves and displeased with his lack of production, Coach Phillip Campbell again released Williams to the waiver wire where he was claimed by Charlie's Redrockets. Upon getting the chance to start for Coach Matthew Campbell, Williams promptly scored 10 points including the game winning touchdown reception in Tampa Bay's last second victory.

Poll Question Results:

The Buffalo Bills were voted the worst team in the NFL, receiving five of the seven votes cast.

League Notes:

Talk about parity, no team has greater than a one game lead for first place and no team is further than one game out of the sixth and final playoff spot...The longest winning streak to date is four games by Young Gun Football...The margin of victory for all five games combined last week was 33 points, for an average margin of victory of 6.6 points...Not counting Young Gun Football's 16 point victory, the average margin of victory in the other 4 games was 4.25 points...Three teams scored over 100 points...No team scored less than 70 points...There were no fines issued last week...The top two scorers from last weekend, Darren McFadden and Kenny Britt, were both on their team's bench...The top scoring player in the starting lineup was Roddy White with 32 points...Eli Manning led the starting quarterbacks with 30 points...Michael Turner led the starting running backs with 26 points...Jason Witten led the starting tight ends with 15 points...Dan Carpenter led all claimed kickers with 17 points...Seattle and Tennessee led all starting defenses with 16 points.

4th and Schlong Press Conference - Week 7

Opening statement: We are very disappointed with the way we moved the ball against the Hit Squad. Our offense was unable to sustain any long drives. Therefore, our defense was very winded and was on the field too much this week! We have some things to correct in practice. Most importantly, our receivers didn’t step up for us this week. Miles Austin, Donald Driver, and all of the other receivers will have their gloves covered with “Stick-em” for Week 8’s matchup.

On Matt Forte’s performance: It seems like this guy’s name comes up in every single press conference. Forte looked like he was going to have a great day out there. He scored a touchdown on his first drive of the game. Unfortunately, that’s all he did for us. He managed to led our running backs with 11 points though. This is the 4th time in 6 weeks that Forte has carried the weight of our running backs. Michael Turner and Jamaal Charles will be practicing without pads this week, in hopes of toughening them up a bit.

On acquiring Mike Williams from Seattle: With 10 catches for 123 yards the first game without Deion Branch, I was surprised he was still sitting there on the free agents. He has become Hasselbeck’s favorite target in an offense that will be playing from behind in almost every game. We couldn’t be happier with the acquisition of Williams! Matter of fact, we told him to stop at Wal-Mart on his way to our first practice to pick up “Stick-em” for the team’s wideouts.

On releasing James Starks: We were always taking a chance holding onto James. He had been on the PUP list, hoping to come back and get some playing time in the struggling Green Bay offense. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like he will be having much to do with the offense this season. We will definitely keep our eyes on him for next season.

On your constant trade propositions: What is our record? If I’m not mistaken, we are 3-3. That means 3 wins, and 3 LOSSES! We are not content with losing. We are leading the league in one category that I’m stellar about…..we can score some damn points. We are not only leading the league in points scored, but also points allowed. So yes, we are looking to get better and to trade away guys like Ben Roethlisberger that can help several teams in the league. We have Peyton Manning and have no need for Big Ben. We fired our Defensive Coordinator Axel Watson, as he has taught our defense the art of throwing gourds at opponents instead of tackling. We are actually still in search of our new defensive coordinator. Until we find one, I will take over.

On the upcoming game against The Hail Marys: Frankly, I don’t think we can hang with them! They have made some great pickups from the free agency. Starting out with several injuries hurt the Hail Marys early on. In a way, though, it helped them by giving them a much higher waiver order in the league. Coach Tara Campbell has made some great moves throughout the season. The one that I’m most impressed by is the pickup of Peyton Hillis. The Hail Marys will bring their ‘A’ game. If we don’t bring ours, then The Hail Marys will be walking away with their 3rd victory.

We have some work to do…..no more questions please!

Week 7 Preview

Game of the Week: Young Gun Football @ The Pessimists

This game pits two of the three teams tied for first place in the Lightning Division with identical 4-2 records. Young Gun Football holds a slim five point advantage in total points scored, so all signs point to this game being an instant classic. The Pessimists enter the contest riding a season high three game winning streak and look to match the league record winning streak of four games with a victory. Young Gun Football is circling the wagons after suffering back to back defeats.

Young Gun Football will look for production from their backup wide receivers to keep this game close going into MNF and hope that Felix Jones can put up points against the surging New York Giants' defense of The Pessimists. On the other side of the ball, The Pessimists are patiently waiting for a breakout game from running back Ryan Matthews and are hoping that their three wide receiver set and fast paced offense will offset the size advantage that Young Gun Football presents up front.

With six total players playing on MNF, this one won't be decided until well after sunset in the Big D on Monday night. Look for the outcome to be determined by Eli Manning and if he can put up points through the air that Hakeem Nicks is not catching.

Safety Blitz @ One-Man Wolf Pack

Following a trade between the two teams this week, both coaches are hopeful that their new acquisitions can quickly grasp their new playbook and terminology used in the huddle. Safety Blitz is hoping to ride Steven Jackson, Ryan Torain and LeSean McCoy to produce big numbers in the ground game. Coach Phillip Campbell is also depending on the Baltimore defense to continue the trend of battering the Buffalo Bills. On the flip side, the Wolf Pack is looking for a huge debut performance from Adrian Peterson and the continued hot hand of Drew Brees to maintain their hold on first place in the Lightning Division. Coach Maddox is also hopeful that his Saints' defense can create a number of turnovers against Colt McCoy in his second career start.

Illegal Alien Babies @ The Hit Squad

This divisional matchup has potential to come down to the wire. The Illegal Alien Babies will look for continued production from The Three-Headed Monster, big play receivers Brandon Lloyd, Brandon Marshall and Randy Moss. Coach Darrell Campbell is also hoping for increased production from running back Willis McGahee now that he knows he will remain with the Ravens following the trade deadline on Tuesday. The Hit Squad is hoping for another big performance from Kevin Kolb in a week that they have been hit hard by injuries and byes. Coach David Looper expects a big performance from Ray Rice and is working nonstop to fill in the missing pieces for this week's divisional matchup. Look for this game to be decided by the defense and special teams play.

Riley's Vikings @ Charlie's Redrockets

These two former roommates square off in what should be a battle for the ages. Riley's Vikings hopes that their sole possession of first place is not short lived following their big win last weekend. Coach Adam Warren plans to continue to pound the rock with Frank Gore and mix in the play action pass with quarterback Tom Brady. Charlie's Redrockets is hoping for another great performance from quarterback Aaron Rodgers and is looking for increased production from their running game. Coach Matthew Campbell has a few holes to fill this week due to byes that he says may come down to game-time decisions. Coach Campbell remains optimistic that tight end Antonio Gates will be able to suit up on Sunday.

4th and Schlong @ The Hail Marys

This divisional matchup is also a battle of in-laws in the Thunder Division! Coach Daniel Campbell is looking for Big Ben to improve upon his performance last week and is hopeful that Miles Austin will produce a number of big plays on MNF. Despite numerous trade rumors, Matt Forte is still with the Schlong and will look to make a difference in the flex position. The Hail Marys are hopeful that the newly acquired Deion Branch and Chris Ivory will put up numbers similar to last week. Coach Tara Campbell is also hopeful that tight end Vernon Davis can continue to improved play this week at Carolina. Look for the kickers to play a big role in the outcome of this game.

Manager Prediction Standings (Minimum 8 games chosen to qualify):

1. Adam Warren 10-5 (67%)
2. Matthew Campbell 5-3 (63%)
3. Daniel Campbell 18-14 (56%)
4. Phillip Campbell 12-13 (48%)
5. Jason Young 6-8 (43%)
6. -------------------------------
7. David Looper 2-0 (100%)

League Notes:

As of press time, 4th and Schlong and Riley's Vikings lead this week's roster moves with three each...4th and Schlong has taken over the league lead in roster moves with 22 as they continue to shuffle their roster...There have been two trades so far this year and Safety Blitz has been involved in both...The only non-divisional game this week is Safety Blitz @ One-Man Wolf Pack...4th and Schlong continues to lead the league in total points scored with 623...The One-Man Wolf Pack and Charlie's Redrockets are tied for the least number of roster moves as of press time with six each...Four teams are currently tied for the best overall record at 4-2...

As of press time, Safety Blitz is projected to lead all teams with 100 points...Drew Brees is projected to lead all players with 22 points...Miles Austin is projected to have a big night on MNF to lead receivers with 11 points...Chris Johnson is projected to lead all running backs with 18 points...Despite an injured left toe, Antonio Gates is expected to join Jason Witten and Tony Gonzalez in leading the tight end position with eight points...Garrett Hartley is projected to score 12 points with his right foot to lead all kickers...Seattle is projected to lead all defenses with 16 points...

Charlie's Redrockets own three of the top nine point scorers overall...Unfortunately, they are all quarterbacks...The Illegal Alien Babies own two of the top five defenses...Riley's Vikings own 2 of the top 5 and 3 of the top 10 wide receivers...One-Man Wolf Pack owns two of the top six running backs...The Pessimists own two of the top six tight ends...The Illegal Alien Babies own three of the top nine kickers.

Young Gun Football Press Conference / Week 7

On the epic 124-123 battle with One-Man Wolfpack: “Wow! Where do I even begin to break down this game? I knew coming in that this would be a shootout, but when you bring the “Gun” you expect to be the one putting the wolf down. We opened a gaping wound in the opening minutes with Desean Jackson putting 19 points on the board in the opening minutes, but the Wolfpack unleashed a hellish strike on him and made sure the bleeding stopped there. We trailed by 13-15 points most of the first half, but closed the gap tying the score twice in the 3^rd quarter 86-86 and 100-100. Our defense had a couple of mental breakdowns late in the quarter and let LT continue his resurgence with two touchdowns. I knew going into the 4^th quarter down by 18 that I would have to let my Titan defense play with reckless abandonment if we were to have any chance of winning. I couldn’t be more proud of the way they fought with the raging beast they call the Wolfpack, but we finished one point short on the night and it just leaves you sick to your stomach.”

Commenting on the devastating hit on Desean Jackson: “I thought watching it live that it was a cheap shot on a defenseless receiver, but after watching the slow-motion replay, I must say it was a clean hit. Was it violent? Yes, but that is just part of the game. I brought in Hines Ward and Michael Crabtree last week due to D-Jack’s performance the week before and it must have lit a fire under his ass because he was everywhere on the field racking up 19 points before most of our fans had finished their first beer. He will recover from this, but his mental state will concern me when he returns. There is no place for fear on this team and he will have to show some mental toughness before I put him back on the field.”

Commenting on another tough game for 1^st place in the Lightning Division after a tough loss last week: “You have to put last week behind you, Win or Lose! This is a new week, with new challenges and last week is in the past. We face another tough opponent with the Pessimists. They have a blazing back in Chris Johnson and have been on a roll the past few weeks. I’m sure Coach Hudson has told you how horrible they are and how they can’t do anything right, but I’ve seen the game films and won’t be suckered in by those type of comments. We have our top receivers out this week with Andre Johnson on a bye and D-Jack injured, so we need guys to step up. This week will be a gut check. We have lost two tough games in a row and have our back against the wall for the first time this year. This is the week we will find out just what kind of team we are. It’s time to get back on track and take back 1^st place in the division. We will be ready!”

Closing Statement: “You can never be happy after a loss, but I feel like our guys are starting to come together as a team. I’ve spoken with Eli about taking on more of a leadership role and I think he is starting to get it. This week our RB’s have to continue to produce and we need more consistent production from our TE and Flex positions. We have 4 guys going Monday night, so I expect us to thrive under the spotlight. The Pessimists will have good reason for their gloomy disposition when they are looking up at us again in the rankings next week.”

Safety Blitz Press Conference - Peterson Trade

As of 3:00 p.m. today, we traded Adrian Peterson and Steve Smith to the One-Man Wolf Pack in exchange for Steven Jackson and LeSean McCoy. While we are very excited about the new additions to our team, we will miss the leadership and skill set that Adrian brought to our locker room. However, we feel that this move provides our organization the best opportunity to win going forward. We appreciate everything that Adrian and Steve Smith did for us while they were here and wish them luck in every game except when we are playing against them. Questions?

How difficult was it to trade the #1 overall draft pick? It was a tough decision. We spent hours debating on the best approach to take to improve our team and in the end this is what we came up with. Adrian brought a lot of intangibles to our team but we feel like we have greatly improved the overall quality of our team with this transaction.

How long did it take to get this deal worked out? Not long. Once negotiations began with the Wolf Pack things moved very quickly. It was a case where both organizations had needs to fill and this package did that for both of us.

How will it feel to see Adrian Peterson on the opposite sideline this Sunday? It's going to be very strange. I wish we could have kept him for one more game but this is just the way that it works out. I wish both him and Steve the best of luck except for this weekend and the next time we play them!

There are rumors of additional roster moves going around, could you expand on those? We are always looking to make our team better, whether that means making a trade or adding a player through free agency.

What areas of your team are you looking to improve? All of them. If there is an opportunity to put a better unit on the field on Sunday we are going to explore it.

What are your expectations for Jackson and McCoy? They have already been issued their playbook and will be in the starting lineup on Sunday. I think their history speaks for itself. Jackson is a bruising runner who is going to show up to play each and every Sunday. McCoy is playing in an offense that suits his style of play very well. We expect him to get added touches with the injury to DeSean Jackson. I feel like this move makes us a championship caliber football team, but only time will tell if that is true or not. As Coach Pete always says, the cream always rises to the top. I just hope we're the cream.

Safety Blitz Press Conference - Week 7

Opening Statement: It feels good to get back in the win column. We had a great week of practice and that carried over into our game last weekend. Charlie's Redrockets have been hit hard by injuries and we were able to take advantage of that. Overall I was very pleased with our effort, but there is still room for improvement.

We have a huge challenge in front of us this week with the One-Man Wolf Pack. Don't let their name fool you; they are a pack of rabid beasts searching for the slightest sign of weakness before they devour their prey limb by limb. They are so talented at every position that I am not sure how well we are going to match up this week. They have one of the top quarterbacks in the league so our secondary is going to be tested. Our run defense will have their biggest challenge of the year to date. Scheme wise, they go straight for the throat so we have to be prepared. All of our players will wear throat guards this week similar to NHL goalies in an attempt to protect our jugular arteries. Despite the fact that it is archery season, our players are bringing their rifles to the game and we will be shooting to kill.

On rumors of a potential trade involving Adrian Peterson: No comment.

On the injury status of TE Chris Cooley: You can read the player notes next to their name on yahoo just as good as I can. Go look for yourself. Next question.

On Adrian Peterson's no trade clause: No comment.

On defensive strategy for this week: That will be a game time decision. It's no secret that our defense has struggled this year. We are having an open competition during practice this week and we'll see who wants to play the most come Sunday.

On the return of Ed Reed: Big Ed will practice on Wednesday and we'll go from there. He obviously brings another dimension to our defense that we have been lacking. We are optimistic that he will be able to play on Sunday.

On league fines for helmet to helmet hits: Ludicrous. This is a man's game. If you can't take a hit, get the hell out. We will continue to go for the bone crunching hits and consider the fines that accompany them our donations to charity.

On the scheduled press conference for this afternoon: No comment.

On leading the league in points against: We take great pride in that statistic as an organization. Last year, we led our league in points against as well. I don't think there is a specific strategy we employ to accomplish it, it's just one of those things that has worked out for us. We present a lot of matchup problems for our opponents and that probably has more to do with it than anything.

On your game plan against the Wolf Pack: Like I said in the opening statement, we should be considered armed and dangerous on Sunday. We are going on the road to one of the toughest stadiums to play in in all of football. It's going to be us against the world in that place. What we have to do is stand back to back, protect our throats, and take advantage of the opportunities that are presented to us. We have to weather the storm early because their crowd always gives them a tremendous amount of energy coming out of the tunnel.

On your rally cry for this week: We are reading "The Three Little Pigs" to our team every day before, during, and after practice. If you remember the storyline, the wolf goes around huffing and puffing and picking on the first two little pigs. But when he tries to pick on the third pig, he bites off more than he can chew. This week, we are the pigs. Sure, a wolf pack can be intimidating, but did you know that pigs will eat an entire human body and leave nothing behind but the teeth? We are going to stand ham to ham so to speak and after Romo does his thing Monday night we plan to sing "Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? The big bad wolf? The big bad wolf?" at midfield.

Week 6 Recap

Game of the week: Hands down, the game of the week was the One-Man Wolf Pack's 124-123 victory over Young Gun Football. Talk about a shootout, this game was a game for the ages! Out of the 18 players involved in this game, 12 scored double digit points. This battle for first place in the Lightning Division featured a 26 point effort from Drew Brees and 38 combined points from Coach Jason Young's recieving corps. Down by 18 points entering MNF, Young Gun Football dialed up blitz after blitz from their Tennessee Titan defense. Despite their valiant effort, the Titan's defense came up one point short and gave the Wolf Pack a mild upset victory.

Manager Predictions: Of the four league managers that voted this week, Coach Matthew Campbell led the pack by going 3-1 (75%), followed by identical 2-3 (40%) performances from Coaches Daniel Campbell, Jason Young, and Phillip Campbell. Updated manager prediction standings will be posted in the Week 7 Preview later this week.

League Fines: Following back to back weeks in which managers were fined for not having active players in their starting lineup, there were no fines this week.

Crowded Lightning Division: On the heels of a two game losing streak for Young Gun Football, the Lightning Division is now in a logjam at the top with three teams tied for first place. Joining Young Gun Football at the top with 4-2 records are the One-Man Wolf Pack and The Pessimists.

Tight End Injuries: For the second straight week, a dominant tight end suffered an injury that forced them to leave the game. Jermichael Finley is out for the year after suffering a knee injury two weeks ago. Antonio Gates, who is having a monster season so far for Charlie's Redrockets, suffered a foot injury this past weekend and is listed as questionable for this weekend's matchup.

Twin Tight Ends: Two teams deployed twin tight end sets this week with varying results. Charlie's Redrockets got 11 points from Heath Miller but the previously mentioned injury to Antonio Gates cost them in their defeat. The Pessimists received eight points combined from their two tight ends but were able to pull out the victory in their defensive war with the Illegal Alien Babies.

4th and Drop: In a series of interesting roster moves, Coach Daniel Campbell appears to be intent on setting the record for the shortest tenure on an active roster. On September 22 at 7:53 a.m., Campbell added free agent kicker John Kasey. That same night at 10:47 p.m., Kasey was released. Also on September 22, Campbell added Marshawn Lynch, only to drop him two days later and then add him back to the roster on September 29. Laurence Maroney, BenJarvus Green-Ellis, the Atlanta Falcons, Brandon Pettigrew, Garrett Hartley, and Jerome Harrison have also enjoyed short stays on the Schlong's roster. Vincent Jackson was added and dropped within a 24 hour period only to be added again 4 days later. When asked about the lacking of a family atmosphere in his locker room, Coach Campbell stated, "No comment."

League Notes: Four teams scored 100 points or more this week...Young Gun Football scored 123 points and lost...The Pessimists are riding a league-best three game winning streak...Riley's Vikings are in first place by themselves in the Thunder Division...The Lightning Division owns a slim 8-6 advantage in head-to-head matchups against the Thunder Division...The One-Man Wolf Pack led all teams in scoring with 124 points...Kevin Kolb led all players with 29 points...Jeremy Maclin had a monster day to lead all wide receivers with 27 points...Ryan Torain led the running backs with 22 points...Tony Gonzalez scored two touchdowns to lead all claimed tight ends with 13 points...Rob Bironas turned in a strong performance to lead the kickers with 12 points...The Titans created 4 turnovers to lead the defenses with 17 points...Teams using a three wide receiver set went 1-1 last week, making teams using three wide sets 4-11 overall.

Young Gun Football Press Conference-Week 6

On this season’s first loss: “Losing is never acceptable! Period! We faced the league’s top offense and hung with them, but in the end we have got to have more production in our passing game. Eli Manning upstaged his brother, but our wideouts simply didn’t play up to our standard of excellence. Our defense had some mental breakdowns and let Matt Forte carve us up like a Thanksgiving turkey. I told our guys afterwards to stop thinking so much, line up, put your hand in the earth, and play some GD football! I tip my cap to 4^th and Schlong, they were well coached, ready to play, and went home with a W.”

Commenting on this week’s matchup with the One-Man Wolfpack: “This game is for 1^st place in the division and I expect a hard fought game. We had some guys out last week with byes and injuries, but we should be back at full strength this week. I expect us to play with the tenacity of a team battling for their lives. I don’t care if we lead the division or are in last place. Our mission is to win at all costs. We have to do a better job of run defense and not let the Pack devour us like hungry carnivores. We have had a good week of practice and even though I know the One-Man Wolfpack will be ready, I believe we will come out on top this week.”

Commenting on how much of a thrill it would be to be the #1 seed in the BHFFC’s inaugural playoffs: “PLAYOFF’S? WE’RE TALKING ABOUT PLAYOFFS? PLAYOFF’S? We have played 5 weeks and you’re talking about playoffs? A bigger thrill for me would be to come over there, take that scandal sheet you call a newspaper, and beat your ass with it! PLAYOFF’S (laughing)!

Closing Statement: “You sport’s writers better not come in here with any more of these garbage questions. I will make Bobby Knight look like the Pope if any one of you pathetic excuses for a journalist asks me one more ignorant question. This organization has one mission and that is to win every game we play. I don’t care if it’s week 1 or the Confederation Cup, YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME! Now, get the hell out of my office before I really get mad and hurt somebody!”

4th and Schlong Press Conference

Opening Statement: Ok it is obvious that I need to address the situation of changing the team name. We are a team that is all about the big play, the homerun ball, or the ESPN Top Play of the Week if you will. Therefore, I didn’t find “The Thundering Turd” to be quite as fitting as I had originally thought. We are a team built around the mentality that if you can’t average more than 7 points a game, you are sitting your ass on the bench!

Therefore, I found the team name “4th and Schlong” to be a much better fit for us and our program. We like to treat every play like its 4th and long. And as you know, our Special Teams playbook consists of nothing but trick-plays designed for 40 yard gains. Matter of fact, we released our punter last week. To trick our opponents, we dress Ben Roethlisberger in our punter’s jersey. Big Ben just treats it as if he is in the Big Shotgun formation.

On the upcoming game against the Hit Squad: Well we decided to delve into the rule book early on this week. We were in search for any rule limiting us to a certain amount of pads for the players to wear. We have yet to find anything of the sort in the rule book, but will be happy to answer questions from commissioner Phillip Campbell.

We, as well as many other teams, are very anxious to see all of our players remain injury-free on Sundays. The Hit Squad has been known all season for giving up the big play, currently standing 2nd worst in the league with 491 points allowed. Coach Daniel Campbell wants to take advantage of this statistic in this weekend’s game. “We have to be careful when we go for the big play against these guys. They like to let you make the big catch at times. But as soon as your two feet hit the ground, expect to get your neck broken. Their safeties, at times, are referred to as the Bash Brothers. They have no problem sending anyone to the hospital”.

On Matt Forte’s HUGE performance in Week 5: “Life is like a box of chocolates with this guy”, said Coach Campbell. “You just never know what you’re gonna get”. 4th and Schlong have contemplated starting Forte every single week. Forte was seen at practice in Week 3 setting up a tea party for he and his stuffed animal friends. Coach Campbell tried not to look too far into it and gave him the start anyway. He immediately regretted it, as Forte cost the team the game.

Coach Campbell stated that, “Forte is going to have to work for his playing time from now on. We can’t keep having the sporadic Forte that we have seen in the first 5 weeks.” This is simply because the team has now gotten their hands on Brandon Jacobs and Marshawn Lynch. Jacobs is seeing more and more goal line action for the Giants, and is a prime candidate to be traded and to feature as another team’s starting back. Marshawn Lynch is riding the same boat here. He was just traded to Seattle, where it is thought that he will get the bulk of the carries over the struggling Justin Forsett. Coach Campbell has been very happy with these two and the work that they have put in at practice.

On being very predictable with the play calling: Coach Campbell was informed that his Offensive Coordinator, Doug Flutie, is being quite predictable with his play calling. Campbell quickly interrupted, “Are you $%&*#*$& kidding me!!!! We are the highest scoring team in the league and have been since Week 1!!!! Yeah we have 3 plays, deal with it!!! First play is GO LONG, second play is GO LONGER, and the third play is just GO UNTIL YOU FEEL PIGSKIN IN YOUR HANDS!!!!” It became very evident in the press conference that Coach Daniel Campbell is very confident in Peyton Manning’s throwing abilities. “Do you guys know who my Offensive Coordinator is? Do you know why he is here? To help my team score some damn points! This is the guy that brought you Flutie Flakes! This is the guy that threw the Hail Flutie pass on November 23rd, 1984 to Gerald Phelan to propel Boston College to a win over the University of Miami! We will continue to be predictable……just try to stop our 3 plays!”

Coach Campbell then stormed out of the press conference. Reporters slowly filed out of the press conference, only to find Coach Campbell pumping out push-ups with no shirt. This week’s game with the Hit Squad should be something for the ages.

Parental advisory is recommended.

Week 6 Preview

Game of the Week: Young Gun Football @ One-Man Wolf Pack

This game is a battle for first place in the Lightning Division. Young Gun Football enters this week coming off their first loss of the year while the Wolf Pack also suffered a defeat last week. This game features four of the top running backs in the league with Bradshaw and Mendenhall squaring off against Jackson and Tomlinson. With all the other positions looking fairly even, look for Young Gun Football to attempt to pull off the victory by imposing their will at the wide receiver position.

Game of the Week II: Riley's Vikings @ The Hail Marys

These two teams are knocking heads for first place in the tightly contested Thunder Division. Riley's Vikings carry a one game lead over The Hail Marys and will look for Ronnie Brown to produce against a tough Packer defense. The Hail Marys are hoping that the right elbow of iron man Brett Favre will hold up and that Brandon Jackson will put up numbers similar to last week's performance. This game is about as even as it gets on paper and should come down to the final whistle.

Quote Translated from Illegal Aliens Press Conference: "Tonight, we eat tacos!"

League Fines: For the second time in as many weeks, the league office has sent out a manilla envelope to one of its teams. This week it was received by Safety Blitz, who will be fined $2 for failing to start a kicker in their defeat at the hands of The Illegal Alien Babies. When asked about the fine, Coach Phillip Campbell quipped, "Go to hell."

Manager Prediction Standings:

1. David Looper 2-0 (100%)
2. Adam Warren 10-5 (67%)
3. Daniel Campbell 16-11 (59%)
4. Phillip Campbell 10-10 (50%)
5. Matthew Campbell 2-2 (50%)
6. Jason Young 4-5 (44%)

League Notes:

4th and Schlong is projected to put up the most points this week with 106...Peyton Manning is projected to lead all players with 21 points...Miles Austin is projected to lead all wide receivers with 12 points...Arian Foster is projected to lead the ground game with 18 points...Antonio Gates looks to continue to be the class of the tight end position with 10 points...Neil Rackers and Adam Vinatieri look to lead all claimed kickers with 10 points...Pittsburg is projected to lead all defenses with 15 points...As of press time, three teams are planning to deploy a three wide receiver set this weekend...The only divisional matchup this week is the Illegal Alien Babies at The Pessimists...Illegal Alien Babies leads the league in roster moves with 20...Illegal Alien Babies led the league this week with four roster moves as of press time...4th and Schlong has the highest differential in points scored versus points against with a +69 rating...The Pessimists have the league's longest current winning streak this week with two games, but they think they are going to lose this week...Young Gun Football is the only team undefeated in divisional play with a 2-0 record in the Lightning Division.

Safety Blitz Press Conference

Opening Statement: Let me begin by congratulating The Illegal Alien Babies on a great victory. They deserved to win the game.

Football is a very humbling game and we have been brought down to earth over the past two weeks. We are facing a tremendous amount of adversity. Just like I told our team, you measure a man when times are hard. It's easy to coach when you're winning. It's easy to show up to the stadium and practice when you're winning. But the real men, the ones who really have a passion for this game, who really HATE losing, they are the ones that keep fighting when times are hard. Times are definitely hard right now. But that being said, I believe that I have 16 real men in that locker room and we are going to turn this thing around starting this week.

I fired our defensive coordinator, Randall McCrary, after last week's performance. I will personally take over the defensive play-calling for the remainder of the season. I look forward to getting Ed Reed back on the field for Week 7, I think that will be a huge lift to defensive unit.

On Possibly Being on the Hot Seat: I'm not concerned with that at all. That is a front office decision. It hasn't even crossed my mind. I'm more concerned with the 16 guys in that locker room than I am about myself. Next question.

On Not Starting a Kicker Last Week: It was a tough decision. I spent hours debating first of all who I wanted to drop off our roster and then more hours debating who we wanted to bring in for the week. I narrowed it down to three kickers who we brought in and worked out last week. After making our decision, the kicker we selected was unable to work out a contract agreement with our front office. That part of it is out of my hands. I was told that we had some technical difficulties over the weekend but I can't attest to that because I just learned how to text message three or four years ago. All I can say is that we went to war with the soldiers we had and we will do so again this week.

On Injuries to Key Players: It was unfortunate. Jermichael Finley, one of the top tight ends in the league, is probably out for the season. We released him yesterday. Mark Clayton, arguably the top receiver on the bench this year, is also lost for the year. To lose two players of their caliber on the same day is tough. Injuries are part of the game though and we will make adjustments to our roster and carry on in their honor.

On Roster Moves to Replace Injured Players: We picked up Steve Smith and couldn't be happier to get a player of that caliber off the waiver wire. In my opinion, with him and Welker we now have the top two possession receivers in the league. Those guys are just going to put up points and get it done every week. Combine them with Hot Rod, and we have the best receiving corps in the league.

We picked up Reggie Bush late yesterday afternoon and are waiting for him to pass a physical sometime this morning. I'm not sure what his role will be just yet but obviously he is an explosive player that can help us down the road.

On Coaching Against Your Brother: Look, you guys blow this shit way out of proportion. I've already coached this season against my other brother, my dad, and my wife for the love of God. It's no big deal. I want to beat his ass and he wants to beat mine. He knows that I'm coming for his throat on Sunday and I know that he is coming for mine. That's the way it should be.

On Rumors that Coach Matt Campbell Will Employ Trickery: Nothing surprises me with him. Our guys will be prepared. He will do whatever it takes to get his guys ready to play. He might take a baseball bat to a street sign. He might try to ride a donkey at an exotic zoo. He might take a dump on the sideline. Hell, he might try to sabotage me with a red rocket during the pre-game coin flip, and I ain't talking about a rocket launcher if you know what I mean. But we'll be ready, I promise you that.

Safety Blitz in Disarray

Printed with permission from the AP

Portland, TN- With the rising of the sun this morning, Safety Blitz found itself with a disappointing 2-3 record following their 78-64 defeat to the previously winless Illegal Alien Babies and surrounded by controversy. Rumors are swirling concerning the job security of Coach Phillip Campbell as well as numerous position coaches and players.

Following the conclusion of last night's game, Coach Campbell refused to speak to the media. He was seen, however, in a heated discussion with his team owner in his office that is rumored to have turned violent as the medical staff was called to the office within minutes that the two began to meet. The owner of Safety Blitz was also unavailable for comment.

The problem stems from the continued lack of production from key positions. In this week's defeat, Safety Blitz received a combined four points from five of their players. There seems to be dissention in the locker room as well, as quarterback Tony Romo was quoted as saying, "I put up 28 points. I can't do it all." Star running back Adrian Peterson offered little support for anyone in the organization, simply stating that "I'm a man. I come to work, do my job, then I go home and drink beer. What everybody else does is their own problem."

The controversy began late last week when the team failed to pick up a kicker for this week's matchup. While some believe that it was a sign of loyalty to his players, others believe it was a lack of focus from the leadership of the organization. It is believed that the front office believed they could defeat the winless Aliens without a kicker. Coach Phillip Campbell worked out three kickers last week, including Josh Brown from the St. Louis Rams, so the truth behind those rumors seems unlikely.

Previously this year, Coach Campbell fired his defensive coordinator and special teams' coach. However, those units have not improved much under the new staff. Safety Blitz has scheduled a press conference for later this week and it is believed that more coaching changes may be imminent. Just how high up the ladder those coaching changes will be is yet to be seen.

Week 5 Recap

The unblemished have fallen, the winless have risen, and the log-jam remains!

Game of the Week: Behind a 26 point combined effort from Brett Favre and Santonio Holmes, The Hail Marys pulled off the come-from-behind 107-102 victory over The Hit Squad to remain 1 game out of first place in the Thunder Division. The 107 points is a season high point total for The Hail Marys. The Hit Squad received poor production from the usually dependable Arian Foster and Kevin Walter in the defeat.

Upset of the Week: Behind a 30 point performance from the unpredictable Matt Forte, 4th and Schlong handed Young Gun Football their first loss of the season with a 99-84 victory. With the win, 4th and Schlong remains in a three-way tie for first place in the Thunder Division. Young Gun Football received a poor performance from big-play receiver Desean Jackson and is still looking for consistent production from the flex spot.

Upset of the Week II: The Illiegal Alien Babies used an explosive 25 point game from reciever Brandon Lloyd and rode the right leg of kicker Adam Vinatieri for 15 points in attaining their first victory of the season over Safety Blitz. With the victory, the Aliens pull within one game of the sixth and final playoff spot. Safety Blitz was hit hard by injury during the hard-fought contest, losing wide receiver Mark Clayton for the year and tight end Jermichael Finley for at least the next few weeks.

Talk About Parity: In the Thunder Division, three teams are tied for first with the other two teams only one game back...No team is further than one game out of a playoff spot after five weeks...The Lightning Division holds a slim 7-6 advantage over the Thunder Division.

League Notes: Of the three league managers that voted, Coaches Daniel Campbell and Adam Warren led the pack going 3-2 (60%) followed by a dismal performance from Coach Phillip Campbell at 1-4 (20%)...Teams starting three wide receivers went 1-2 for the week...Teams starting three wide receivers fell to 3-10 for the year...No team has started two tight ends to date...The Pessimists scored a Week 5 high of 116 points...Three teams broke the 100 point plateau this week...The Hit Squad scored 102 points and lost...Matt Forte led all players this week with 30 points...Tony Romo led all quarterbacks with 28 points...Brandon Lloyd and Hakeem Nicks led all wide receivers with an impressive 25 points a piece...Mercedes Lewis scored two touchdowns to lead the tight end position with 17 points...Adam Vinatieri led all starting kickers with 15 points...The Eagles and the Chicago Bears scored 18 points a piece to lead the defensive category...In a week of all non-divisional matchups, the Thunder Division took three of five games from the Lightning Division.

Week 5 Preview

Game of the Week: The Pessimists @ Charlie's Redrockets. Both of these teams enter this week with 2-2 records. The Pessimists have scored a total of 383 points as compared to 384 for Charlie's Redrockets. Charlie's Redrockets is riding a two game winning streak and looks to employ a three wide receiver set. Coach Matthew Campbell remains hopeful that Pierre Thomas will suit up against the ailing Arizona Cardinals defense on Sunday. The Pessimists are coming off an impressive victory and will look for continued production from Philip Rivers and a better output from Chris Johnson. This game could very well come down to special teams' play.

Game of the Week II: Young Gun Football @ 4th and Schlong. Young Gun Football enters this contest as the only undefeated team left in the BHFFC riding a four game winning streak. Despite falling on hard times over the past two weeks, 4th and Schlong enters the contest tied for first in the Thunder Division. Both teams are looking for consistent production from their running game, which should determine the outcome of this one.

Name Changes: The Thundering Turd have apparently changed their name to 4th and Schlong. Coach Daniel Campbell stated that "it was a very HARD decision to make."

In other league news, the division names have been changed from 'Division 1' and 'Division 2' to 'Thunder' and 'Lightning' Divisions.

Trade Rumors: While only one trade has been made to date, there are numerous reports from around the league that the trade market might be heating up. Word from 4th and Schlong camp is that Big Ben is on the market. There have also been unconfirmed reports that Safety Blitz is working on a deal that would include Adrian Peterson.

Manager Prediction Standings:

1. David Looper 2-0 (100%)
2. Adam Warren 7-3 (70%)
3. Phillip Campbell 9-6 (60%)
4. Daniel Campbell 13-9 (59%)
5. Matthew Campbell 2-2 (50%)
6. Jason Young 4-5 (44%)

League Notes: The Illegal Alien Babies and Riley's Vikings made the most roster moves this week with three each as of press time...The Illegal Alien Babies continue to lead the league in overall roster moves with 15...All five games this week are non-division contests...Riley's Vikings lead this week's projected scores with 97...Aaron Rodgers and Peyton Manning are projected to lead all scorers this week with 22 points...Andre Johnson, Miles Austin, Larry Fitzgerald and Roddy White are projected to lead wide receivers with 11 points a piece...Maurice Jones-Drew and Frank Gore are expected to put up 18 points at the running back position...Dallas Clark is projected to lead all tight ends with 11 points...Adam Vinateri leads all owned kickers with a projected 10 points this week...The New Orleans Saints are projected to lead all defenses with 13 points against the struggling Arizona Cardinals...Young Gun Football owns two of the top six defensive teams overall...Charlie's Redrockets owns two of the top five and three of the top nine quarterbacks...The One-Man Wolf Pack owns two of the top six and three of the top nine running backs...Riley's Vikings owns two of the top nine wide receivers...Safety Blitz owns two of the top six tight ends...Stephen Gostowski leads all kickers in PATs made with 17...Teams starting three wide receivers last week went 1-3...Overall, teams starting three wide receivers are 2-8.

Safety Blitz Press Conference-Week 5

Opening Statement: If you can’t tell, I’m pissed off. We were outplayed, out hustled, and most importantly, we were out coached. I am extremely disappointed in the performance of many of my players. We lacked focus, effort, and enthusiasm. We had a great opportunity in front of us and, much like my alma mater, we laid a big fat egg. We got our nose bloodied up pretty good. We are going to get back to practice and focus on fundamentals, especially running the football. I’m not giving you any bullshit excuses so don’t ask me any bullshit questions.

 On Lack of a Running Game in Hell’s Fury I: It was the most pathetic rushing performance I have ever been a part of. My two running backs combined for one point. One point? ONE POINT! Coach Young runs a blitzing style 3-4 defense. We were prepared, we simply didn’t execute. When we did create holes, my backs were too busy twisting their dreadlocks and not running downhill. I expect a lot more from our running game and I will get it from this point forward.

On How You Will Get Production from the Running Game Going Forward: You remember Laurence Maroney? Remember all the bullshit you guys wrote about him when he was traded to Denver about how he was going to get the run game going in the absence of Moreno and whatnot? Well guess what? You were wrong, so we cut his sorry ass. Each and every one of you morons who wrote those stories about him should be fired. Next question.

On a Possible ‘Trap Game’ Against The Illegal Aliens? Trap game? WTF? The last time I checked we are 2-2 and in 7^th place overall. This is not a 7^th place organization. We are focused on Safety Blitz and Safety Blitz alone. Our next opponent will get our best effort, and that just happens to be The Green Carded Immigrants. Trap game? I trap bears in the Alaskan wilderness in the offseason. I trap them with one hand on their throat and use the other hand to beat the hell out it. Sometimes I throw in an eye gouge in honor of Ric Flair. That’s the only trap game I know how to play.

On Implementing Coach Young’s 6 a.m.-6 p.m. Practice Plan: My staff and I are considering it. We are also considering the tugboat crew’s schedule on the mighty Mississippi. They work 30 days on, 30 days off. I’m not sure what we are going to do yet, but I’ll tell you this: my guys are gonna pay the price.

On the Strategy Against The Illegal Aliens: Don’t let their record fool you, they’re a solid team capable of making noise in this league. They have been hit with a lot of bad luck so far this season. I am looking for their passing game to get on track this week with Moss bringing a ton of energy to Minnesota and hooking up with a first ballot HOF quarterback. They present a lot of unknowns in our preparation with both Moss and the newly acquired Fred Jackson.

On the Starting Running Backs This Week: AP is back and he is ready to punish a tough Jet’s defense. Ryan Torrain has worked his ass off on the practice squad and he deserves a chance to play this weekend. The third spot is going to be a game-time decision between Thomas Jones and Shonn Greene.

On the Expectations for Mark Clayton: My expectations are the same for every player. Win. Period. By any means necessary. Just win. He has played well for us on the practice squad all year and I expect nothing less from him on Sunday.

On Coaching Against Your Father: It’s no secret that he coached me since I was five or six years old. He taught me so many lessons in life, I don’t know where to start. He taught me what it means to ‘sacrifice for the family’ on a road trip to St. Louis. If I recall correctly, it was also in St. Louis that he taught me how to ‘GET UP!!!!’ He also showed me how to put olives in my eyes at the supper table during Christmas dinner one year.

On Rumors That You Coached Last Weekend Under the Influence: C’MERE BOY! (Grabs reporter by the throat and slams him against the wall) IT’S NO SECRET THAT JACK AND I ARE GREAT COMPANIONS AND SPEND A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER. YOU LEAVE JACK OUTTA THIS, YA HEAR? (Whispering in reporter’s ear) I’m also friends with the Undertaker. If you would like to see some of his caskets, keep asking stupid questions.

Week 4 Recap

Game of the Week: 'Hell's Fury I' lived up to the hype with Young Gun Football taking a 77-67 victory that wasn't secured until the closing seconds of MNF. The play of the game was the 12 yard touchdown run on a draw play by running back BenJarvus Green-Ellis, who was acquired by Young Gun Football after being picked up and released by The Thundering Turd last week. Both teams struggled to put points on the board in this hard-fought, defensive war.

Upset of the Week: Albeit a minor upset, The Hit Squad used another monster game from running back Arian Foster to improve to 2-2 and drop Riley's Vikings to the same record. The Hit Squad also got huge performances from their special teams, as they combined to score 29 points in the victory.

First Fine: Young Gun Football will receive the first manilla envelope from the BHFFC league office for starting the injured Andre Johnson in Sunday's second wave of games. Per league rules, Coach Young will be fined $2. When asked about the fine, Coach Young had this to say: "I had to take a chance he would play. I wish they (Texans) had played the noon game when I had other people available."

League Notes: Of the record six managers that guessed last week's winners, Coach David Looper led the pack going 2-0 (100%), followed by Coach Matthew Campbell at 1-0 (100%), Coach Daniel Campbell at 4-1 (80%), Coach Phillip Campbell at 3-2 (60%), Coach Jason Young at 2-3 (40%), and Coach Adam Warren at 2-3 (40%)...Updated predictions for the entire season will be available in the Week 5 Preview posted later this week...Arian Foster of The Hit Squad led all players in scoring in week 5 with 30 points...Shaun Hill of Riley's Vikings led all quarterbacks with 26 points, albeit from the bench...Calvin Johnson of Riley's Vikings led all owned wide receivers with 20 points...Antonio Gates of Charlie's Redrockets had a monster week from his tight end position, posting 26 points behind 2 touchdown catches...Matt Prater of The Pessimists booted 4 field goals to lead all owned kickers with 14 points...San Diego's defense, owned by Saftey Blitz, posted 28 points from Coach Phillip Campbell's bench...Charlie's Redrockets owns 3 of the top 10 scoring quarterbacks from week 4...The One-Man Wolf Pack and Charlie's Redrockets both posted 104 points in their victories to lead the league...Four teams are tied for first in the North Division (to be renamed soon) with 2-2 records...Six teams are jammed in third place overall with identical 2-2 records...Young Gun Football remains as the only undefeated team in the league with an impressive 4-0 record...The Thundering Turd continues to lead in overall points scored with 444...Young Gun Football continues to lead in overall points against with 305.

Young Gun Football Press Conference / Week 4:

On this season’s league best 3-0 start: “We have played well, but not at a level that will make this team anything special. At this point in time all 3-0 means is that we can finish no worse than 3-14!”

Commenting on this week’s rivalry matchup with Safety Blitz: “Obviously, this is the first game I checked the schedule for. Rivalries develop on the field over time, but this game carries so much intensity with it for an inaugural season. This rivalry is not built on hatred, but respect! I know that Coach Campbell had this game circled from day one and his men will be poised to attack like hungry sharks feeding on wounded seals. His guys have their back against the wall as they travel to Young Memorial Stadium, aka “The Slaughter Pen”, with multiple players on his squad having byes. Just ask the Thundering Turd about having him backed into a corner. This game will truly be a war. Our equipment managers have been instructed to bolt our chinstraps to our helmets because this is going to be a bone crunching game.”

On who will be starting at TE and Flex this week: “Jason Witten is out with a bye and has not lived up to expectations so far this year. Owen Daniels continues to battle his way back from off season knee surgery, but is gaining confidence every week. We may be looking at bringing in a veteran TE this week if we can find one at the right price. Injuries have begun to mount already so someone has to step up. The flex position could be filled by any number of people. It will just be a gut decision.”

Commenting on Safety Blitz’s unorthodox strategy of in-season 3-a-day practices: “Coaches want their team to take on a certain persona and I’m sure Coach Campbell is merely trying to instill some toughness and intensity in his players. Despite the reports, I am not instituting the same strategy. We have one practice a day - from 6 am until 6 pm.  Many blue-collar factory workers work the same shift for far less, so my guys punch a clock and get to work everyday. I believe this paid off with our come back win over the Illegal Alien Baby’s last week.”

On the pressure of having more managerial experience than the other teams in the league combined: “Pressure? Pressure is not having money to put food in your children’s mouths. All that means is that I’m getting old. I got my hands dirty in this business 14 years ago and racked up the 2nd most all-time wins out of the 16 teams in the MFL (Murfreesboro Football League) over that time. I had nothing left to prove there. Even though this league is new, I believe the coaches here are far more cut-throat and cunning and over the next few seasons, I expect some intense rivalries to develop.”