Tebow's Youth Group Press Conference-Week 4

Coach Campbell:  Our team sucks.  You’re only as good as your last game and we suck!  What questions are there?

Dan Patrick:  Coach Campbell, your team’s running game has not been…dare I say, en fuego.  If your team wins the coin toss in Week 4, which side will you select to defend? I have heard that defending the east end zone allows your tailbacks to run against the grain.  Is there any truth to this statement?

Coach Campbell:  Damn you Dan Patrick! I thought I told you not to bring your gay-ass sayings into any more of my press conferences?  En fuego?  Against the grain?  First of all, yes our running game has been brutal and I’ll be the first to admit that.  I have seen Chris Berman break better runs to the dessert bar.  And if we win the coin toss this Sunday, we want the ball damnit!  I don’t care what end we defend.  I want to be the first team to put points on the board!  Next question.

DNJ Tom Kreager:  Yes Coach Fred, how do you plan on limiting the number of corner kicks that Young Gun Football gets on Sunday?

Coach Campbell:  Well jackass, it might help if you got my name right first.  Secondly, that’s the wrong sport.  It’s been years since you were interviewing me for soccer games.  And by the way, Momma T is still pissed that you messed my name up in an article where I scored a hat trick in a district tournament game.  Security, get ole fat Tommy boy out of my press conference.

Hulk Hogan:  Oh yeah brotha (while ripping his shirt off)! Get him out of here with a whipping lariat and a big boot across his jaw line.  I like how you take care of business brotha! At what point in this week’s game will your boys need to kick it into Hulkamania mode?

Coach Campbell:  Finally, someone that I don’t mind answering to.  Hulk, let me just start off by saying that you have the most manly daughter that I have ever seen.  I would let her suit up on this football team any day!  As for my guys, we are always in Hulkamania mode.  As a matter of fact, we use the wrestling ring that you built us last year in training camp.  The tag team champions at the end of training camp assume the responsibility of being our starting tailbacks.  Next question.

Ric Flair:  Whoo! (slaps his own chest)  Whoo!  Coach Campbell, I love your kick-ass attitude.  And from the sounds of it, I agree with your training regiment!  Whoo!  What do you think about your recent acquisitions from Riley’s Vikings? Whoo!

Coach Campbell:  The Nature Boy is still alive!?!?!  Ric, why is your chest oiled up right now?  Come on up on this stage and we’ll make a few more practice footballs out of your leathery skin.  Sorry, back to your question.  We are absolutely stellar about welcoming our new team members this week!  Ahmad Bradshaw and Daniel Thomas are both coming off of big weeks of production.  We are excited to have healthy backs that want to work without worrying about 30 million dollars a year.  Jeremy Maclin and Santonio Holmes are both working through injuries right now.  We are going to slowly welcome them into our system.  But going forward, I fully expect all four of these guys to start every game.  We couldn’t be happier with our scouting and negotiations team.

Erin Andrews:  Coach Campbell, I noticed that you call plays similarly to the Oregon Ducks offense.  You guys have adopted the posterboard signs with several pictures on them.  Why haven’t I seen any pictures of me on the board?

Coach Campbell:  I’m sorry, could you repeat that question.  I was ummm….distracted by the two boobies, I mean babies in the crowd.

(Erin Andrews repeats question.)

Coach Campbell:  This is the easiest question to answer yet.  Erin, the only pictures that I currently own of you would not be appropriate to put on a posterboard.

Erin Andrews:  Oh Coach Campbell, I thought I told you to get rid of those.  What are you expecting this week from Coach Jason Young and the only undefeated team remaining in the BHFFC?

Coach Campbell:  We know that Young’s team will come in here to “The Sanctuary” and give us a war.  We have been preparing to face his tough running game with standouts Jahvid Best and Ryan Mathews.  My guys will be told to shut down the run and to make Aaron Rodgers beat us through the air.  Coach Young is a very worthy opponent, as his team was the number one seed in last year’s playoffs.  He has talent at every single position on the field.  But I think that man for man, we match up very well with his team.  Sure we are a little banged up, but our guys will have to step up and get us back in the win column this week.  If that’s all, I will see you guys on Sunday. 

Safety Blitz Press Conference-Week 4

In a statement released by Safety Blitz Head Coach Phillip Campbell:

I regret to inform you that I will not be available to meet with the working media at this week's press conference. As a result of my team's seven game losing streak, I have deemed the time necessary for a press conference to be detrimental to the productivity of my team. In place of attending the press conference, my team will be conducting another round of full contact, non-padded practice.

We are all disappointed in our performance last week against YGF. I understand the magnitude that the rivalry takes on for our fan base and I sincerely regret our product that took the field. Let it be known that we will see YGF in Week 17 and we will have our vengeance, in this life, or the next.

I am not at liberty to speak about the current lawsuit that is surrounding our team, but I can say that we are ready to move forward with Jay Cutler under center. Much has been made of him being a former Candy player and possible dissention between him and my blue raider ties, but nothing could be further from the truth. We will move full steam ahead with Jay as our QB.

We are presented with the daunting task of facing Team Maddux this weekend. Coach Maddux has his team playing good, solid football. We will have our hands full with their wishbone running attack. It will be a daunting task, but let me say this-we will not quit. We will not be intimidated. We will not stop working. We will persevere through this misery. We will summon the demons of hell and the great fans that will be rocking The Devil's Den this weekend and ride their powers through these tumultuous times!

I look forward to speaking with you in person next week.

-Coach Phillip Campbell

Young Gun Football Press Conference-Week 4

Coach Young: “You know, sometimes life is just sweet! When your team can come out against a huge rival and give this kind of performance, you’ve got to be pleased to be a part of the Young Gun Football organization. That being said; there is no time for celebration in the BHFFC as we have to travel to Timmy Tebow’s Youth Camp for young boys this week. I just hope we don’t have to see Timmy and Urban Meyer kiss each other again.

 

I’m sure Coach Campbell will have his team ready this week as his newly acquired guys have had an opportunity to gel as a team for a couple of weeks now.  Now, I’ll take a few questions.”

Jim Rome, ESPN Radio: “Coach Young, did you notice any signs after the game that led you to believe there would be a violent confrontation between Coach Phil Campbell and his now ex-QB Eli Manning who was your QB last season?”

Coach Young: “Well Jim, did you notice any signs that Jim Everett was going to beat your ass if you called him Chris Everett again? I’m sure you did, but that didn’t stop you from saying it. I’m sure the media has blown this whole event out of proportion. I know how Safety Blitz operates their organization and they demand the best from every player. If you don’t want to buy into that, you may get thrown from the bus. That’s just the way it is. Eli knew that too when he was here last year, so he kept his mouth shut and played football. I suspected that Eli and Arian Foster both took a look around Hell’s Half Acre and decided they didn’t want any part of what was headed their way. Hell, I can’t say I blame them. You better get off the tracks when the real “Pain Train” is coming.”

Urban Meyer, ESPN College Football: “Coach, I didn’t appreciate the comments about the golden boy Tim Tebow and myself earlier. He is one of the greatest lovers,…I mean players,…of all-time. Do you really think you have a chance of beating a team bearing his name?”

Coach Young: “Urban, when Coach Campbell looks up at the scoreboard at the end of our game this weekend, I fully expect to see him tearing up and crying just like little Timmy did in the SEC Championship game. Now get the hell off my property! Next question.”

Dan Campbell, Tebow’s Youth Group: “Don’t you mean crying like you when I broke your finger with my scorching on-side kick at tailgating last year?”

Coach Young: “Well, I’m glad to see our security will let just about anyone in the building. That’s why I pay you good money Travis Lawson! Oh, wait, I only pay Lawson with jugs of moonshine and he is actually the one who makes the shine in the first place. I guess I get what I pay for. As for you Coach Campbell, I made it through the rest of tailgating with the finger injury and have yet to seek treatment for it. It’s only one finger; I’ve got nine more before I will shed a tear. My payback will come this weekend when YGF invades Tebow-town and comes out with a 4-0 record!” Slams microphone down and exits to Metallica’s Wherever I May Roam.

Week 3 Recap

*Because the closest game this week was 25 points, we do not have a 'Game of the Week.' Instead, we will have the 'Blowout of the Week.'*

Blowout of the Week: Safety Blitz (46) @ Young Gun Football (104)

In what was dubbed Hell's Fury III, Safety Blitz was on the receiving end of a bloody and bruising beating at the hands of Young Gun Football. Safety Blitz struggled to score at all, becoming the first team in league history to not eclipse the 50 point mark in extending their league record losing streak to 7 games. Coach Phillip Campbell was not available for comment after the game, instead meeting with his lawyers concerning a possible lawsuit against estranged QB Eli Manning. Young Gun Football put the game away early behind Aaron Rodgers and Ryan Matthews, whose combined 53 points were enough to beat Safety Blitz on their own. Coach Jason Young was pleased with the play of his bench as well, as their 47 points would have been enough to defeat Safety Blitz as well.

Illegal Alien Babies (69) @ Carmichael's Crusaders (103)

Despite another strong performance from Tom Brady, the rest of the Alien Babies could not get on track in falling on the road to Carmichael's Crusaders. The Alien Babies received solid days from Darren Sproles and Larry Fitzgerald, but the rest of their team combined to score a total of 12 points. Coach Darrell Campbell was heard cursing in Spanish in the locker room following the game. Carmichael's Crusaders had 5 players score in double digits, led by TE Jermichael Finley with 26 points in a breakout performance. Coach Ethan Hudson's squad secured their first victory in franchise history following a two game losing streak to open the season.

Tebow's Youth Group (70) @ Maddawg's Tight End (105)

Tebow's Youth Group struggled in the hostile Columbian environment on Sunday, falling to Maddawg's Tight End in a game that was over well before halftime. TYG was led by the Ravens' defense, who scored 20 points in a monster performance over the Rams. Coach Daniel Campbell's squad only scored one offensive touchdown on the day, as none of the other eight starters were able to reach double digit scoring. Maddawg's Tight End was led by surging QB Ryan Fitzpatrick, who scored 22 points in upsetting the Patriots on Sunday. Coach Miranda Maddux was concerned with the injury to WR Kenny Britt following the game, noting that her staff was already working on possible replacements.

Campbell's Cougars (78) @ Play Action Pass (130)

Campbell's Cougars struggled to adjust to high altitudes in Monterey over the weekend as Play Action Pass took control of this game from the outset. Campbell's Cougars were led by rookie sensation Cam Newton's 16 points. Coach Matthew Campbell appears to be frustrated by his team's injuries, as Frank Gore and Steven Jackson have not been able to get on track so far this season. Play Action Pass posted another huge scoring day behind Wes Welker and Drew Brees, who combined to score 66 points. Coach David Looper's squad scored six touchdowns on the day to secure the victory.

Riley's Vikings (80) @ We Got Big TDs (105)

Riley's Vikings ran into a Portland buzzsaw on Sunday, as We Got Big TDs scored early and often in the rout. Riley's Vikings was led by Ahmad Bradshaw and Daniel Thomas, who combined to score 36 points from their running back positions. Coach Adam Warren was visibly upset with the play of Michael Vick, stating that he needs to spend more time practicing football and less time at the local kennel during the week. We Got Big TDs was led by Matt Schaub's 30 points in their shootout loss to the Saints. Coach Tara Campbell has her team playing well in the midst of a two game winning streak despite receiving poor play from her running backs.

The Pessimists (77) @ Team Maddux (110)

The Pessimists saw their six game winning streak come to an end in a rematch of last year's BHFFC Super Bowl versus Team Maddux. The Pessimists hung tough early, but only had two players score in double digits in falling on the road. Coach BJ Hudson's squad was led by Matthew Stafford and Ray Rice, who combined to score 43 points in the losing effort. Team Maddux was led by the three-headed monster at running back of Darren McFadden, Fred Jackson, and Maurice Jones-Drew, who combined to score a whopping 66 points. Coach Zach Maddux was pleased with his team's bounce back performance following a Week 2 loss, stating that "it will be a good week at the paint store for Team Maddux this week." 

Divisional Domination 

The Lightning Division exerted their dominance over the weekend, making a clean 6-0 sweep over their Thunder Division counterparts. The average margin of victory for the Lighting Division was 39.5 points.

Poll Results

By a vote of 8-1, it was determined that the NFL has gone too far in penalizing big hits.

Manager Prediction Results

Only one manager participated in Manager Prediction Contest in Week 3. Remember that with the ESPN website, I cannot see who voted for who unless you post it to the message board.

1. Phillip Campbell 3-3 (.500)

League Notes

Teams favored to win in Week 3 went 4-2 overall...Versus the spread, teams went 4-2 as well...All 6 Lightning Division squads scored over 100 points, while all 6 Thunder Division squads scored 80 points or less...Seven teams' benches outscored the starting lineup of Safety Blitz in Week 3...Play Action Pass has scored over 100 points in 3 straight weeks...Home teams are 11-7 this season for a .611 winning percentage...YGF has the league's longest current winning streak at three games...Teams starting a 3-wide receiver set went 2-3 in Week 3...Teams starting twin tight ends went 1-0 in Week 3...Play Action Pass led all teams with 130 points...Wes Welker led all starting players with 34 points...Drew Brees led all starting QBs with 32 points...Darren McFadden had another solid week to lead all running backs with 29 points...Jermichael Finley scored 3 touchdowns to lead all tight ends with 26 points...Niel Rackers led all claimed kickers with 15 points...The Ravens' defense came alive to lead the head hunting units with 20 points. 

Breaking News-QB Controversy Sparks Tailspin

-Portland, TN

According to various unconfirmed reports, Safety Blitz QB Eli Manning was involved in what some are referring to as a domestic dispute with Head Coach Phillip Campbell while on the team's U-Haul truck they were using for transportation to their game in Oakdale over the weekend.

In an attempt to spark his club from their pretty boy attitude, Coach Campbell opted to leave the team's charter plane sitting at the Portland Municipal Airport and instead rented a U-Haul moving truck and rode in the back with all of his players. Equipment manager Lynn King reportedly drove the truck from Portland to Oakdale.

While traveling on I-40 eastbound, Coach Campbell conducted a team meeting to determine the root of the team's six game losing streak. At some point during the meeting, Eli Manning and Coach Campbell got into a heated argument about who should start under center on Sunday. Manning, no stranger to controversy, reiterated his statement that he would never play for "The San Diego Chargers or Safety Blitz in my life." At this point, according to unnamed sources, Coach Campbell became enraged at being compared to "a bunch of surfer boys in Southern California" and took Manning by the neck, opened the rear door of the U-Haul, and held him out over the pavement in preparation for a choke slam onto the interstate. At this point, a passing vehicle full of topless women distracted Campbell long enough for Assistant Coach Josh Hughes to complete a 'Joshitsu' leg sweep and secure both men safely back inside the truck, where they were separated by team members.

Later that night, Manning was supposedly involved in a six player trade that will send him to Riley's Vikings. Rookie Andy Dalton received his first career start under center for Safety Blitz, who proceeded to lose their seventh straight game. At this point, it is unclear if and/or when any charges will be filed.

Week 3 Preview

Game of the Week: The Pessimists (+8) @ Team Maddux

In a rematch of the inaugural BHFFC Super Bowl, The Pessimists invade Columbia in the prime time matchup for Week 3. The Pessimists enter the game riding a six game winning streak and will look to take possession a league record seven game winning streak with a victory. Coach BJ Hudson will look to Ray Rice and Matthew Stafford to continue to lead his offense and is hopeful that Jonathan Stewart and Mike Williams can score enough to keep pace in this projected shootout. Team Maddux is battling the injury bug, as nine players are listed on the injury report this week, including key members of the starting lineup. Coach Zach Maddux is clearly focused on revenge this week, stating that "Romo can get a new lung in the offseason. We have to win on Sunday." Look for this game to be decided by Jonathan Stewart's ability to put up points and keep pace with the ground attack of Team Maddux.

Illegal Alien Babies (Even) @ Carmichael's Crusaders

The revamped Illegal Alien Babies bring their high scoring offense to face Carmichael's Crusaders, who are looking for their first win in franchise history. The Alien Babies will look to newly acquired QB Tom Brady to set the pace offensively and keep pace in the Thunder division. Coach Darrell Campbell will deploy his spread attack and has a whopping eight starters projected to score in double figures. Carmichael's Crusaders will look to enter the win column behind Adrian Peterson and Calvin Johnson, arguably the best players in the league at their respective positions. Coach Ethan Hudson is optimistic that Josh Freeman can produce solid numbers and will play within himself as he attempts to matchup with the red-hot Brady. Look for this game to be decided by the defenses and the kicking game.

Safety Blitz (+14) @ Young Gun Football

Safety Blitz and Young Gun Football matchup in Hell's Fury III in Oakdale in what is sure to be a bone crunching affair. Safety Blitz enters the game on the heels of a six game losing streak and appear to be in a mode of desperation. Just this morning, Coach Phillip Campbell announced that Andy Dalton will replace Eli Manning under center on Sunday, presumably due to a matchup issue with his defense. YGF hopes that Aaron Rodgers can continue to perform as the best QB in football against the rival Bears' defense. Coach Jason Young hopes that his wishbone offensive attack will continue to put up big numbers on Sunday. A key to this game may be each team's matchups, as YGF has three players that will be faced with tough crowds in Chicago and Oakland.

Tebow's Youth Group (+4) @ Maddawg's Tight End

These two future family members square off in their first ever matchup this weekend at Columbia Academy in a key non-divisional matchup. Tebow's Youth Group will start four new players on Sunday in Philip Rivers, Mark Ingram, Chris Johnson, and David Nelson. Coach Daniel Campbell believes the changes will make a statement to his team "that nobody's position is safe." Maddawg's Tight End will look to stay in the win column for the second week in a row behind LeSean McCoy and Andre Johnson, two of the most explosive players in the BHFCC. Coach Miranda Maddux believes that Marshawn Lynch will finally get on track this week against Arizona and contribute to a victory. Look for this game to be determined by which defense puts up bigger numbers, as both have favorable matchups in Week 3.

Campbell's Cougars (-25) @ Play Action Pass

Campbell's Cougars travel to Monterey with the biggest spread in league history as Play Action Pass is looking for answers following a tough loss in Week 2. Campbell's Cougars have 8 starters projected to hit double figures, led by 22 from Vincent Jackson. Coach Matthew Campbell is looking for Vernon Davis to step up and produce this weekend, as the highly touted tight end has not been impressive in the early parts of the season. Play Action Pass will look to Drew Brees to continue to lead the offensive attack, as they have scored over 100 points in both games this year. Coach David Looper has inserted Danny Woodhead into his flex position, impressed with how the young back thrust into the endzone head first to score last week. This game could easily come down to a matchup of rookie wide receivers, as AJ Green and Julio Jones look to be key contributors on Sunday.

Riley's Vikings (-2) @ We Got Big TDs

Riley's Vikings will make the four hour bus trip to Portland to take on We Got Big TDs on Sunday. Riley's Vikings are hopeful that 1st round draft choice Michael 'The Dog Catcher' Vick will be able to suit up and play following a concussion in Week 2. Coach Adam Warren does not seem to be too concerned with the injury, instead telling Vick about the time that he ripped half of his chin off diving into the fence at Western Kentucky. We Got Big TDs will look to continue their winning ways behind Matt Schaub and what looks to be an offensive shootout against the Saints. Coach Tara Campbell will deploy her 'big set' on Sunday, Rashard Mendenhall, Peyton Hillis, and Mike Tolbert make up the most bruising backfield in BHFFC history. Lok for this game to be determined by Nate Washington, the likely replacement for injured playmaker Miles Austin.

Divisional Comparison

Last season, the Lighting Division pulled away late to secure a 26-19 record versus the Thunder Division. In addition, both teams in the BHFFC Super Bowl were members of the Lightning Division. Week 3 marks the first week of two straight non-divisional weekends.

Streaks of Gold and Coal

The Pessimists are currently riding a six game winning streak, which ties them with Young Gun Football for the longest winning streak in BHFFC history. A win on Sunday over Team Maddux would give them a record seventh consecutive win. On the contrary, Safety Blitz is riding what is already a league record six game losing streak. The road doesn't get any easier for Coach Phillip Campbell's squad as they invade Oakdale and Hell's Half Acre on Sunday.

Matchup History

Young Gun Football is 2-0 against Safety Blitz...The Pessimists are 1-2 versus Team Maddux, losing both regular season games before solving Team Maddux in the BHFFC Super Bowl...Campbell's Cougars and Play Action Pass split their two matchups last year...Riley's Vikings and We Got Big TDs split their two meetings last year as well.

Home (Not So) Sweet Home

Home teams are a combined 5-7 so far this season, as Tebow's Youth Group, Young Gun Football, and We Got Big TDs the only teams to hold serve so far this season. 

League Notes

All 12 teams are projected to score over 100 points this weekend, which is a league record...The Illegal Alien Babies and Carmichael's Crusaders are both projected to lead the league with 135 points each...Philip Rivers is projected to lead all players with 29 points...Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice are projected to lead all mail carriers with 24 points...Vincent Jackson is projected to have another huge week and lead all receivers with 22 points...Jason Witten is projected to lead all tight ends with 15 points...Alex Henery is projected to lead the kickers with 12 points while singing the Henry the VIII song (see below)...The Cowboys are projected to lead all defenses with 12 points...Only five league teams have scored more points than they have allowed after two weeks of play.

Safety Blitz-Hell's Fury III Press Conference

Opening Statement: Let me open by saying that I am extremely disappointed in my football team. It is no secret that we are in the middle of a six game losing streak dating back to last season. Our front office is upset, our fans are upset, my players are upset, and I am upset. We will not make excuses. The bottom line is winning, and right now we aren't getting it done. We're going into one of the most hostile environments in the BHFFC this weekend with our backs against the wall. But just like I told my guys, when your back is against the wall, there's only one direction you can go.


Chris Berman: Rumbling, tumbling, bumbling, stumbling, BOOM! Coach, it appears that on paper you should have a better record than what you have. How disappointed are you in your team's start to the season?

Coach Campbell: Thanks for stopping by Boomer, I was worried that you wouldn't be able to fit through our narrow walkways here at our facility. Needless to say I'm very disappointed. I think we need the Swami to make a bold prediction in our favor this weekend for some added luck in our corner. Next question. Oh wait a minute, Boomer, let me get through the buffet line before you go, ok? Thanks.

Stuart Scott: Booyah! Coach C-YGF is hotta than a Chinese peppa-how you gonna slow dey roll?

Coach Campbell: God bless, didn't we have this problem last week? Stuart, bring a translator or stay the hell out of my press conferences. Next question.

Marv Albert: Coach Campbell, if I may, what is your strategy for slowing down the juggernaut that is YGF?

Coach Campbell: Marv, why are you only wearing a pair of panties and a belt? The last time you wore that outfit you got fired for biting some woman in the back 15 times! What a crazy SOB! Next question!

Mart Smeets (Father of Tjerk-appearing via satellite): PC! How is America! I love to eat big f$@!ing Americana steak! Great f$@!ing country! I love it! Good luck from across the pond on Sunday!

Coach Campbell: Holy Jesus! Smeets' father! Tell Tjerk congrats on proposing to his woman at the closing ceremonies of the 2008 Beijing Olympics! May the anteater rejoice!

Cecil Joyce: Big Phil! Thanks for having me again man. Talk a little about your series with YGF and what it takes to win in the town of 'Honeycutt.'

Coach Campbell: Honeycutt? Wow, Cecil, I'm impressed, you've done your homework. Let me get back to that in a minute. It's no secret that we are winless against YGF in two attempts. We lost both games last year by a combined 13 points. Both games were low-scoring, defensive wars and I would expect nothing less this Sunday. Last year, however, and these past two weeks of the season, we were more of a steam-powered locomotive. This week, we have upgraded to a diesel engine. The story goes like this: Oakdale was formerly known as 'Honeycutt' because of the Honeycutt family that originally settled the area. Oakdale is the sight of a railyard that was once vital to the Cincinatti Southern Railway. As such, the population boomed to 2,500 civilians. However, once the railroad industry advanced from steam power to diesel, the railyard in Oakdale lost its significance and thus most of its citizens. By 2000, their population was all the way down to 244 Oakdalians, including Travis Lawson and his pet goats and chickens. An interesting note about the population of Oakdale is that it is 100.00% white. That could pose an interesting scenario on Sunday as over 75% of my team is non-white.

Vince McMahon: Coach Campbell, you have no right to Diesel whatsoever. If you ever mention his name again I will sue your sorry ass!

(The sound of glass shattering echoes through the intercom system. Stone Cold busts through the doors and promptly delivers a Stone Cold Stunner on McMahon)

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Coach Campbell will say whatever the f$#! he wants, and that's the bottom line, cause STONE COLD SAID SO!!!

Young Gun Football-Hell's Fury III Press Conference

Coach Young: “This is a big rivalry week with Safety Blitz heading down here for Hell’s Fury III. I will take a few questions in a minute about last week’s game and then we are moving on. Yeah, we are 2-0 again. Last year we won what? Our first 4 or 5 in a row? We finished at the top in the regular season…and what did that get us? NOT…ONE…DAMN…THING!!! The only thing that matters around here is winning. Have you not seen our Jumbotron feature with Charlie Sheen saying “Winning”?  As far as I’m concerned, until we hoist the Confederation Cup over our heads this team, this organization, and this city are nothing but losers. We will not take the foot off the accelerator until we are crowned the greatest dynasty of the BHFFC! Now, I’ll take one question about last week’s game and we’re moving on to Hell’s Fury III.”

Adam Sparks, DNJ: “Coach Young, were you disappointed in anyone’s performance this week?”

Coach Young: “Let me ask you a question Sparks, did we win the game? Should I be disappointed in winning? Every guy on Young Gun Football played his guts out as far as I’m concerned and we won by a good margin and you think I should be disappointed. Security, get this loser off my property and make sure Joe Theisman doesn’t try to slip back in here either. I’ve had enough stupid questions from these slimebag reporters already. Next question!”

Bob Costas, HBO: “Coach, while filming our new sports documentary “Hell’s Fury: To Hell & Back” documenting your rivalry with Coach Phil Campbell, we unknowingly discovered another HBO video that never aired entitled “Cathouse 6: Campbell’s Cougars Offseason Extravaganza at the Bunny Ranch”. In this video you clearly see all 5 Campbell’s from the BHFFC at the brothel discussing strategy of how to beat Young Gun Football. Are you concerned about the wealth of information that is being passed between these family owned franchises?”

Coach Young: “Finally, a reporter who has done some research. But let me correct one thing Costas, there were 4 Campbell’s discussing strategy and the other was working there.”

Costas: “Coach Young, are you saying Coach Tara “T-Bone” Campbell was moonlighting as a high dollar escort at the Bunny Ranch during the offseason?”

Coach Young: “Absolutely not Bob, I was speaking of Matthew. And back to your question, I don’t care if all 11 other teams in the BHFFC get together 365 days of the year to try to scheme ways to stop this organization from winning; we will still be prepared and come out victorious I can assure you.”

Coach Young: “No more questions. I’m going to speak solely about this week’s game. Safety Blitz was in a similar situation last season when we met the first time and they played like a crazy rabid chupacabra feasting on some rancher’s cattle, but we were able to hold the line and came out of last season with 2 victories to start this rivalry. I know Coach Campbell well enough to know that his team will be even more ravenous this time around. They are wounded, they are desperate, and they are pissed. I’ve had some WWII vets come in here this week and tell us about landing at Normandy Beach because that’s what I believe Safety Blitz will have in store for us this week. A true Blitzkrieg. We will be prepared though; make no mistake about that. Hell’s Half Acre will be rocking this week as our crowd knows what’s at stake and I have no doubt that we will be 3-0, albeit a little bloody and bruised, and leave Safety Blitz to stew until Week 17 when we have to visit the Devil’s Den.”

Carmichael's Crusaders Press Conference-Week 3

*Coach Hudson approaches the podium in a state of disbelief*

Coach Hudson: Where do I even start? Plain and simple, this is just not the way you want to start a football season. Coming into a new league you always want to make an immediate impact, and this sorry excuse for a team has got to step it up. I want our fans to know that we are hard at work and we are addressing these issues. Soon you will be proud to cheer for the Crusaders. Alright then, I’ll take your questions now.

Reporter: Coach what do you think has been the biggest factor in your team’s losses so far this season?

Coach Hudson: How long do you have?? I guess the main problem right now is that we just aren’t taking advantage of our matchups. We have to execute better, and really get things going, especially on the defensive side of the ball. We’ve had a couple of poor performances by our defense, and I can tell you we are ready to change that.

Reporter: I understand you’ve had to deal with some injuries early on, has that had an effect on the team’s morale?

Coach Hudson: I would be lying if I said it didn’t, but we have stressed to the players that it’s important to stay focused and keep moving forward. With Marques going down in week 1 we were already forced to make changes early. That’s one of the reasons we decided to trade for Calvin, but based on the way Marques was playing before the injury it may have been an even better trade than we expected. 

Reporter: What exactly do you mean by that?

Coach Hudson: Well, let’s just say we might not be seeing ole stone hands for quite some time. Next question!

Reporter: Could you talk a little more about the details of the trade?

Coach Hudson: Sure, we sent Matthew Stafford, and Chad Ochocinco to The Pessimists for Calvin Johnson, Matthew Hasselbeck, and Willis McGahee. We felt that Josh could step up and fill the starting role and we couldn’t pass up a player of CJ’s caliber. I don’t think it would be reaching to say we have arguably the three best receivers in the league now. Matt and Willis were key additions also, and they bring much needed experience to the team.

Reporter: How are you game planning this week for Coach Campbell and his Illegal Alien Babies?

Coach Hudson: We’re actually in the process of that now. There’s been talk of them acquiring Tom Brady and Beanie Wells, so we have definitely been keeping that in mind. We want to get to the Quarterback early and hit them, shake em up, cause em to make bad throws. Regardless of who plays, we will be ready. I should also point out we have specifically planned to shut down Steve Smith. He’s had a couple big games and we want that to end this week. Luckily their running attack isn’t as big a problem. On offense we really need Adrian and Josh to bring their A game this week. 

Reporter: Thanks for your time coach, is there anything else you’d like to add?

Coach Hudson: I just want to go on record and say that I am absolutely thrilled to be a part of this league! We have a lot of great owners and coaches, and I look forward to a great competitive rest of the year. We’re ready to get our first win this week, it’s time to get the ball rolling. Thank you.

Campbell's Cougars Press Conference-Week 3

Coach Campbell--It feels good to get in the win column.  Our crowd, which is nothing but Cougars hand picked by yours truly, were a little uneasy after week 1's defeat.  Hot women don't like being with losers.  But I assured them during last Wednesday's nude massage and hot tub session that the team was fixing our problems and would perform better in week 2.  Most coaches spend all their time practicing football, but I believe that you have to spend quality time with your fan base as well.  Especially when your fan base is made up of nothing but exotic women age 30 and up.  In addition to our massages we also have trampoline day, mud wrestling, sleepovers, best picture text contests, and weekly meetings at Tootsies and the Bunganut Pig.  I have a great relationship with our fan base and it pays off on the weekend. 

Reporter--Coach it sounds like all that you do is flirt with old women. 

Coach--Thank you Captain Obvious.

Jim McGuire--Okay okay, here we go!  Campbell holding a press conference.  Doesn't talk about anything but women.............Jesus Christ.  Wait a minute, I think my wife gets a massage on Wednesdays.  Damnit Campbell!!

Coach--Whoopsie!!!!  By the way, we are having a Cougar meeting this Saturday night backstage at the Tin Roof.  Our special guest motivational speaker will be none other than Randy Rogers!  It looks to be an exciting and informative session.  See you all there.  We will also have a pep rally Thursday around one led by Langdon "no mic needed" Stanley.  YOU CAN'T HIDE THAT COUGAR PRIDE!!!!!!

Week 2 Recap

Game of the Week: Illegal Alien Babies (91) @ Safety Blitz (89)

The Illegal Alien Babies successfully hopped the border and pulled off the victory over a raucous Safety Blitz crowd at The Devil's Den over the weekend. Coach Darrell Campbell raced to an early lead behind Larry Fitzgerald and Steve Smith, then utilized his kicking game to withstand a furious late rally. QB Philip Rivers put up solid numbers yet again, posting 22 points despite turning it over 3 times. Safety Blitz was led by 18 points from Eli Manning, but it was the quarterback's costly interception on the first drive of the game that ultimately cost Coach Phillip Campbell's squad a chance to pull even. In a cruel twist of bad luck for Safety Blitz, three players were each within one yard of earning an additional point, which would have resulted in a winning effort.

The Pessimists (118) @ Riley's Vikings (84)

The Pessimists continued their torrid offensive pace in the opening weeks of the season and in the process improved their league record winning streak to a league record six games dating back to last season. The Pessimists were led by newly acquired QB Matthew Stafford, who torched the maligned Chiefs' defense for 4 touchdowns and total points. Coach BJ Hudson watched triumphantly as seven of his nine starters scored in double digits. Riley's Vikings struggled to put points on the board for the second straight week, prompting Coach Adam Warren to throw his visor repeatedly on the sideline. The upstart Detroit Lions' defense led the Vikings with a 21 point effort, but it wasn't nearly enough as 7 of the 9 starters scored in single digits.

Tebow's Youth Group (79) @ Campbell's Cougars (95)

Tebow's Youth Group was hit with the injury bug on Sunday in falling on the road to Campbell's Cougars. Youth Group RB Jamaal Charles will miss the remainder of the season after tearing his ACL early in the 1st quarter of his game against the Lions. The blow is a tough one for Coach Daniel Campbell to swallow, as his squad is already thin at the running back position. Tom Brady continued to impress, scoring 34 points in the losing effort. Campbell's Cougars were led by a 29 point explosion from wide receiver Vincent Jackson, who is attempting to establish himself as a dominant receiver after a dismal 2010 season. Coach Matthew Campbell was also pleased with the play of newcomer Mike Sims-Walker, who put up 92 yards receiving in his Cougars' debut.

Carmichael's Crusaders (108) @ Young Gun Football (132)

Carmichael's Crusaders made an impressive showing at Hell's Half Acre over the weekend, but it wasn't enough as Young Gun Football exploded for a 24 point victory. The Crusaders received a huge performance from running backs Adrian Peterson and Willis McGahee, who combined to score 42 points in the losing effort. Coach Ethan Hudson was pleased with the play of Calvin Johnson, who scored 14 points after being acquired in a trade less than 2 hours prior to kickoff. Young Gun Football scored 6 total touchdowns in the offensive onslaught, led by two each from Aaron Rodgers and Tony Gonzalez. Coach Jason Young was concerned after the game, however, as star receiver DeSean Jackson is reportedly suffering from a sore buttocks. 

Team Maddux (102) @ We Got Big TDs (133)

Team Maddux put up a valiant fight before faltering late in a road contest against We Got Big TDs. Team Maddux was led by a 25 point effort from Tony Romo, collapsed lung and all. Coach Zach Maddux was visually upset after the game and reportedly got into a shoving match with Reggie Bush, Plaxico Burress, and Jermaine Gresham in the team's locker room. We Got Big TDs pulled away late in the game behind Miles Austin and Jason Witten, who combined to score 42 points. All was not roses, however, as Austin pulled a hamstring and will reportedly miss 2-3 weeks. Coach Tara Campbell will spend the week focusing on personnel decisions, as she stated that improving her depth is a top priority this week.

Maddawg's Tight End (115) @ Play Action Pass (103)

Maddawg's Tight End earned their first league victory in Monterey over Play Action Pass behind a strong showing from LeSean McCoy. Maddawg's Tight End was led by the previously mentioned McCoy's 23 points, who helped to offset a 1 point performance from Marshawn Lynch. Coach Miranda Maddux received a huge day from her 3-headed monster at WR, as Kenny Britt, Andre Johnson, and Mike Wallace combined for 52 points. Play Action Pass by another strong performance from Drew Brees, who put up 28 points in a rout over the Bears. Coach David Looper was disappointed in the play of Felix Jones, telling reporters after the game that the Flex position will be open for competition this week.

Trading Spaces

The Pessimists and Carmichael's Crusaders successfully completed the first trade of the season just prior to kickoff on Sunday. In addition, trade rumors have been swirling from at least seven different camps lately as injuries and lack of production are taking a toll on league managers.

Manager Prediction Standings

1. Matthew Campbell 4-2 (.667)
2. Tara Campbell 4-2 (.667)
3. Phillip Campbell 2-4 (.333) 

Poll Results

By a final vote of 9-1, it was determined that CJ is not worth the money he will make under his new contract. *Note-The 10 votes received in the poll were a league record*

League Notes

Only two teams are undefeated after Week 2, The Pessimists and Young Gun Football...Only two teams are winless after Week 2, Safety Blitz and Carmichael's Crusaders...Seven teams scored over 100 points in Week 2...Three teams scored over 100 points and lost...The average margin of victory in Week 2 was 19.8 points...The favorites going into Week 2 went a combined 2-4...Home teams went 3-3 during Week 2...We Got Big TDs led all teams with 133 points...Campbell's Cougars bench scored 81 points...Safety Blitz was defeated by the Illegal Alien Babies by two points and their benches tied with 43 points each...Tom Brady led all players with 34 points...Miles Austin led all wide receivers with 32 points...Darren McFadden led all starting running backs with 24 points...Tony Gonzalez led all starting tight ends with 20 points...Adam Vinatieri and Rob Bironas led all kickers with 15 points each...The Detroit Lions led all defenses with 21 points...Play Action Pass leads the league with 244 total points scored...Campbell's Cougars leads the league with 151 points scored against...Team Maddux and The Pessimists are the only two teams who have yet to play at home this season...Seven of the 12 league teams have given up more points than they have scored.

Week 2 Preview

Game of the Week: The Pessimists (+16) @ Riley's Vikings

In the only matchup of unbeaten teams, The Pessimists invade Memphis to battle Riley's Vikings on the small island in the Mississippi. Coach BJ Hudson looks to bring an element of surprise into this game, as his team is in the middle of a pending trade and his starting lineup will literally be a game time decision. What is certain for Coach Hudson's squad, however, is that Ray Rice will line up in the backfield and look to ravage a Titans' defense struggling to find their identity. Riley's Vikings will look to entertain the home crowd behind Michael Vick, who obviously is a huge crowd favorite in Memphis. Coach Adam Warren is also putting faith in his Detroit Lions defense to continue their resurgance and help secure the victory. Look for this game to be determined by which team's receivers can step up and make plays on Sunday.

Illegal Alien Babies (+3) @ Safety Blitz

These two winless teams will look to get back on track as father meets son in this Thunder Division matchup. Coach Darrell Campbell will deploy a spread offense and is hopeful that QB Philip Rivers will be involved in a shootout against New England on Sunday. The Alien Babies are also hopeful that Chris Johnson, the topic of this week's poll question, will get back on track against the Ravens. On the home sideline, Coach Phillip Campbell is counting on a raucious Devil's Den crowd give him team an advantage by intimidating the Illegal Aliens. Safety Blitz needs production from Eli Manning, Dwayne Bowe, and Dallas Clark in Week 2, as all three were MIA in Week 1. Look for this game to be determined by the combination of the Flex, WR1, and WR2 positions.

Tebow's Youth Group (-24) @ Campbell's Cougars

This sibling rivalry heats up for the first time this season as these Thunder Division rivals tee it up in Columbia on Sunday. Coach Daniel Campbell is hopeful for a repeat performance from Tom Brady, who put up Nintendo like numbers in leading his team to a come from behind victory. The Youth Group hopes to get their running game on track in Week 2, as they struggled to establish consistency behind a revamped offensive line last week. Campbell's Cougars will look to please the Columbia crowd and get in the win column behind a rejuvinated Tim Hightower, who seems to have established himself as the lead back in the Redskins backfield. Coach Matthew Campbell added WR Mike Sims-Walker to his squad this week and will immediately insert him into the starting lineup, hoping to spark his offensive attack. This game should be decided by whether or not the Youth Group can handle the size and strength of the Cougars' twin tight end set.

Carmichael's Crusaders (+4) @ Young Gun Football

The expansion Crusaders seek their first win in franchise history as they invade the unfriendly confines of Hell's Half Acre on Sunday to face Young Gun Football. Coach Ethan Hudson is set to unveil a twin tight end set; however, rumors are swirling about a potential trade that could add Calvin Johnson to his roster in time for kickoff on Sunday. Regardless, the Crusaders need AP to put up numbers worthy of his first overall selection. Young Gun Football looks to remain undefeated and atop the Lightning Division behind Aaron Rodgers, who should have no trouble putting up numbers against a weak Carolina defense. Coach Jason Young believes that his team has an advatage on the defensive side of the ball as well, as his Jets will look to attack the Jaguars and their inexperienced QB. This game will be decided by the ability of the Crusader's Chicago Bears' defense to contain the Saints aerial assault.

Team Maddux (+6) @ We Got Big TDs

These two Lightning Division members square off in Portland on Sunday in what is predicted to be a high scoring affair. Coach Zach Maddux brings first place squad into this game with a banged up roster, as two of his key starters appear to be game time decisions. Team Maddux will rely on Maurice Jones-Drew and Darren McFadden to shoulder the workload and believe that the Saints defense can shut down the Bears on Sunday. We Got Big TDs will look to get their implants bouncing this weekend at home as Coach Tara Campbell hopes to get the running game up and moving in Week 2. Coach Campbell told us earlier in the week that her defense will be a game time decision and that she is not pleased with the fine received by Troy Polamalu. Look for this game to be decided by which Lone Star State QB has a better performance on Sunday.

Maddawg's Tight End (+3) @ Play Action Pass

These two strangers meet for the first time Sunday in Monterey in this key Lightning Division matchup. Maddawg's Tight End is looking for a better performance from Big Ben in Week 2, and a weak Seattle defense might be just what the doctor ordered. Coach Miranda Maddux is thin at running back this week, as Knowshon Moreno is banged up and will be a game time decision. On the homestanding Montery sideline, Coach David Looper will once again deploy his aerial assault behind Drew Brees before he sends in his ground troops led by Michael Turner on SNF. Coach Looper also believes that his team has a distinct advantage on the defensive side of the ball, as his Packers are set to attack a rookie QB and the Panthers' offense. Look for this game to be determined by the RB2 position.

Trade Rumors Swirling

Akin to the winds at the former Candlestick Park, trade rumors have been circulating faster than the Portland Leader can be delivered to the bustling town of 10,000. While no trades have been finalized as of press time, at least six teams have been confirmed to be actively seeking changes to their roster.

Record Voting

A league record eight votes have been received so far on the weekly poll question regarding CJ's salary.

League Notes

There were 19 transactions made this week since Tuesday, including one pending trade...Riley's Vikings made the most roster moves with four...Aaron Rodgers is projected to lead all players with 30 points...Ray Rice is projected to lead all running backs with 24 points...Andre Johnson is projected to score 18 points and lead all wide receivers...Antonio Gates and Jermichael Finley are projected to score 12 points each to lead the tight end position...Stephen Gostkowski is projected to score 12 points to lead all kickers...The Ravens are projected to lead all defenses with 11 points...Riley's Vikings are projected to lead all teams with 121 points...Ten of the league's 12 teams are projected to score over 100 points...Two teams are set to utilize a twin tight end set this weekend...Young Gun Football has a league high four players suiting up in SNF...No team has more than one player starting on MNF...Maddawg's Tight End vs. Play Action Pass and Team Maddux vs. We Got Big TDs will both be decided on Sunday.

Safety Blitz Press Conference-Week 2

Opening Statement: Let me start by saying this: I'M PISSED OFF!!! LOSING IS UNACCEPTABLE!!! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF LOSING!!! (Paces across the stage). Questions, I'm ready for quesitons.

Cecil Joyce (former colleague of Tony Stinnett at DNJ): Phil-Dog, how's it going? It's been a long time since Babe Ruth when Joshua Hughes was firing knuckle balls at you back in the day. How has life been treating you?

Coach Campbell: Shut the hell up Cecil! This isn't time for a family reunion! Next question.

Erin Andrews: Coach Campbell, I'm sorry if I distracted you by constantly bending over on your sideline.

Coach Campbell: I didn't even notice. You're not really my type, contrary to the BS that Coach Daniel Campbell was talking all last week. You need to eat some taters and cornbread before you will be a distraction to me little girl! Next question.

Stuart Scott: Booyah! Coach C! My man Foster is set to get it done on Sunday-you gonna start him?

Coach Campbell: WTF did you just say? Was that English? And what the hell is wrong with your eye? Next question.

Jo-Jo: Coach Campbell, what are your thoughts on the Illegal Alien Babies?

Coach Campbell: Finally, a football question. Thank you Jo-Jo. It's good be back home again. Our fans are the best in the BHFFC and 'The Devil's Den' is going to be rocking all weekend. Our guys know that we have to hold serve at home, especially against foreign invaders. The Illegal Alien Babies are going to present us with a tough matchup this weekend. Their spread attack is tough to defend and they have quality receivers all over the place. We have to hope that we can keep CJ off the tracks again this week as he acclimates himself to a new offensive coordinator.

Jo-Jo: Any truth to the rumor that you will have Customs officials stationed outside the visitors' locker room?

Coach Campbell: No comment. Next question.

Bill O'Reilly: Mr. Campbell, have you taken into account the ramifications of bringing a team from a third world country and their fans onto American soil? This has the makings of a political disaster written all over it and as I am sure you are aware, we are quickly approaching an election year. Would you care to explain yourself?

Coach Campbell: WTF is Bill O'Reilly doing at my press conference?!? Bill O'Reilly? Somebody get this crazy SOB out of here! (Security drags a kicking and screaming Bill towards the door) Wait! Bill! If you want an interview,  you will have to do it through my director of media relations. Talk to him on your way out!

Tebow's Youth Group Press Conference-Week 2

Coach Campbell:  Let me just start off by saying….I’d like to thank Jesus Christ for Tom Brady and his 517 yard, 4 touchdown performance.  Going into Monday night’s game, we knew we had a difficult task ahead of us.  We were losing by 18 points.  Coach Phillip Campbell and the Safety Blitz still had Deion Branch and Stephen Gostkowski to play.  All we had left was Tom “Pretty Boy” Brady.  This meant that we needed an 18 point turn around, while one of Phillip’s remaining players was Tom Brady’s second favorite target.  Going into the game, I told Tom that he could only use Branch as a last resort target.  I told him that if every one of his other receivers is in double coverage in the endzone, but Branch is wide open with no one within 15 yards of him…..you throw that ball away!  Tom executed the gameplan perfectly, as he connected with Deion on 7 occasions for 93 yards and ZERO touchdowns!  If we could just keep Deion out of the endzone, we knew we would give ourselves a fighting chance to win the game.  I will now be more than happy to answer any questions.

Coach Adam Warren disguised as a Reporter:  Umm yes Coach Campbell, do you ever wonder what’s going on behind you during the game?

Coach Campbell:  I’m sorry, I don’t think I understand the question.  Could you elaborate?

Coach Adam Warren disguised as a Reporter:  Well, what if all of the light poles started falling over onto the field?  What would you do?

Coach Campbell:  What the hell kind of a question is that?!?  I’m here to answer football questions damnit, not questions about dodging falling light poles!  Why are you at the Youth Group vs. Safety Blitz press conference wearing a Riley’s Vikings hat anyways?  Wait a minute, take the hat and shades off.

(Coach Warren takes off his disguise)

Damnit Warren!  I should’ve known that question could only come from your mouth.  Security, get him out of here.  Warren, we’ll see you in Week 7!  Next question please.

Reporter:  There were rumors floating around all week that you had held a 30-minute session each day training your receivers on tackling.  Is this true?

Coach Campbell:  No, it was actually 2 hours each day.

Reporter:  Coach Campbell, why were you working with your receivers on tackling?

Coach Campbell:  We only allowed Deion Branch to run 5 & out patterns all game long.  In the off chance that Deion broke a couple of tackles and headed towards the endzone, we were going to need Welker, Ochocinco, or Hernandez wrap him up.  Luckily that situation never came about.  Next question please.

Reporter:  Coach Campbell, you received some criticism from Coach Warren earlier this week about starting the Giants defense instead of the Ravens defense.  Could you tell us what led you to this decision?

Coach Campbell:  First, I would like to publicly apologize to Ed Reed and Ray Lewis.  That should be enough to prevent my ass from being beaten in the locker room.  I accept full responsibility for my actions in benching the Ravens defense.  Up until this past Sunday, Joe Flacco had never beaten the Steelers.  Therefore, I decided to explore other options.  It was a mistake as the Ravens defense put up 3 interceptions, 4 fumble recoveries, and 4 sacks.  I was glad that my Ravens defense made a statement to prove me wrong.  This gives me the utmost confidence in them to perform all season the way they did in Week 1.

Reporter:  What are you expecting in your Week 2 matchup with Campbell’s Cougars?  This will be back-to-back weeks that you will be coaching against a brother of yours.

Coach Campbell:  You think I don’t know that?!?  Sorry, I’m not too excited about getting such a tough early schedule.  But I’m excited about all of the Campbells in the league this year.  I know that all Campbells (blood or not) are strong competitors.  We know that Coach Matthew Campbell will be looking to get his team back on the right track in Week 2.  They lost a 71-72 nailbiter to Coach Warren and the Vikes in Week 1.  We are not going to let the 71 points fool us though.  The Cougars are loaded with a backfield full of workhorse running backs and a grandstand full of smoking hot 40+ year-old women.  Gore, Jackson, and Hightower are all hard-nosed tailbacks that like to get cut a sweep back in between the tackles rather than breaking it outside.  This week in practice, expect to see some CAT equipment out on our practice fields.  We will have our o-line pushing bulldozers instead of sleds, our linebacks taking wrecking balls to the stomach, and our kickers practicing accuracy by kicking into the back of a dump truck.  Just ask Coach Matthew Campbell about what he and I used to do to strengthen our core with a tennis racket and tennis balls in the middle of the culdesac.  We know that Coach Campbell has three quality quarterbacks in Newton, Ryan, and Kolb.  He has yet to name the starter, so we will have three different gameplans to accommodate for each of their different styles.  We are looking for continued performances from Brady, Beanie, and Wayne to carry us.  Also, I would like to see Jamaal Charles step up and play his game this week.  We didn’t get what we expected in Week 1 from our first round draft selection.  We consulted with Coach Darrell Campbell, and he agreed to train Jamaal in his push-up regiment.  Luckily, we were able to find an hour from 2:00am-3:00am on Thursday mornings when Coach Darrell Campbell wasn’t busy sneaking Mexicans across the border.

If that’s all of the questions, we will see you all on the pitch.

Young Gun Football Press Conference-Week 2

Coach Young: “I gotta tip my cap to Coach Maddux, she had her Maddawg Tight End squad fired up and ready to play in their inaugural BHFFC game. The Undertaker logo is a welcome addition to the BHFFC and I look for the Maddawg’s to be a tough competitor in the Lightning Division. Fortunately, we took advantage of some rookie mistakes during MNF as Knowshon Moreno, a former Young Gun running back, fumbled early and was held in check by our run blitzing defense. We were very lucky to escape with a win.”

Chris Berman, ESPN: “Coach Young, what was going through your head when you lost your kicker on the opening kickoff of the season?”

Coach Young: “Well Chris, every season I try to take kickers and defenses early enough that I get one of the top 3. I feel that people underestimate the value of these positions. My defense is the reason I won this week as the Jets returned a blocked punt for a TD. When Kaeding went down, I knew we were in trouble. Those 8-12 points a kicker normally gives you are invaluable to winning a game.  I give Kaeding credit for trying to show his toughness by making a tackle, but he paid the price for it. Thankfully, our defense stepped up, made some big plays, and put the clamps on the running game in the 4^th quarter.”

Joe Biddle, Tennessean: “Speaking of your defense, how did you feel they would do under the lights of Monday Night Football with such a daunting task at hand?”

Coach Young: “Daunting task? What the hell kind of question is that? We build our entire off-season practice schedule around preparing ourselves for the end of the game. We will not be outworked and it showed at the end of the game this week. We have three-a-day practices virtually year round. We even have a day care center on site so our guys can see their families during one of the 30 minute breaks we give the players. Other than that, they are here to work from 6 am until 8 pm. Our defense still seemed fresh and the Maddawg’s O-line and backs were totally winded. Knowshon Moreno was our scout team back last year, so our D has gone up against him many times. I didn’t really see the task as “daunting”; I knew we would shut him down!”

Tony Stinnett, Cannon Courier: “Coach Young, you are facing another new team to the BHFFC this week with Ethan Hudson and his Carmichael’s Crusaders coming to Hell’s Half Acre, will you be seeking to send the Hudson family a message after the playoff loss to BJ Hudson’s Pessimist’s squad?”

Coach Young: “Tony, thanks for not asking any questions about Oakland High School Baseball so far this year. Yes, there will be some level of vengeance on our minds, but we have to focus on the task at hand and save that anger for week 13 and the Pessimist’s. Coach Hudson is bringing in a team with two of Aaron Rodgers top weapons to try and negate our high powered passing attack, so we have to prepare for that. We are an underdog at home and we have to be focused and ready to attack like a crazed portuguese man-o-war! We have to get heat on Matthew Stafford and have our D come up with some turnovers again.”

Coach Young, Closing: “We have to stay focused on this game and not be looking ahead to Safety Blitz and Tebow’s Youth Group which are the next two games. Those will be fierce; bloody conflicts, but Coach Hudson is new to the league and will be looking to make a statement about where his expansion team stands in the pecking order. We showed one new team that it takes more than “beginner’s luck” to take down Young Gun Football and we plan to show Coach Hudson more of the same. Thanks and remember to come out to Hells’ Half Acre early this Sunday for the free Metallica concert and salute to our Armed Forces.”

Week 1 Recap

Game of the Week: Riley's Vikings (72) @ Campbell's Cougars (71)

In an epic Week 1 battle between former roommates, Riley's Vikings pulled out a narrow one point victory over Campbell's Cougars. This game was a defensive war, as only 7 of the 18 participants reached double digits. Coach Adam Warren rode first round draft choice Michael "The Dog Catcher" Vick to the tune of 26 points, as Vick got it done both on the ground and through the air. On the opposing sideline, Campbell's Cougars appeared to be snakebit during Week 1 as they battled both injuries and a stiff Chicago defense. Steven Jackson appeared to be headed for a monster day on Sunday after racking up 11 points in the 1st quarter alone. Jackson pulled up lame, however, and combined with a tough day for Matt Ryan under center, Coach Matthew Campbell was left on the losing end of this one. When asked about a possible controversy under center, Campbell quipped, "I don't care whose hand goes under the center's ass to get the football."

Team Maddux (106) @ Carmichael's Crusaders (77)

Team Maddux gave a warm opening week welcome to newcomer Ethan Hudson as they went on the road and handily defeated the rookie coach's squad. Coach Zach Maddux deployed a balanced scoring attack, with 6 of his 9 starters scoring 12 points or more, while 3 members of his bench scored in double digits as well. "I'm pleased with our effort," was all that Coach Maddux would say as he jogged off the field after the victory. Carmichael's Crusaders were led by QB Josh Freeman and his 16 points in addition to a strong performance from the receiving corps. Coach Hudson was less than pleased, however, as he was quoted during the game as saying, "My bench screwed me. I changed D at last second and Freeman is playing like a bitch."

We Got Big TDs (96) @ Play Action Pass (141)

In this self proclaimed "Battle for Woody," We Got Big TDs held tough early but couldn't withstand a late thrust from Play Action Pass on MNF. Coach Tara Campbell's squad was led by 3 touchdowns and a 26 point performance from RB Mike Tolbert. Coach Campbell was displeased with her overall running game, as Peyton Hillis and Rashard Mendenhall combined to score only 10 points. For Coach David Looper, QB Drew Brees led the way with 34 points as 7 of 9 starters scored in double digits. Play Action Pass also rode a huge 28 point performance from WR Wes Welker and a 25 point effort from the 49ers defense. On a side note, Danny Woodhead scored six points from the bench of Play Action Pass.

Young Gun Football (95) @ Maddawg's Tight End (93)

Rookie Coach Miranda Maddux almost pulled off a huge Week 1 upset over Young Gun Football but were left just short of the goalline. Maddawg's Tight End received huge performances from RB LeSean McCoy and WR Kenny Britt (25 points each) in the losing effort. Coach Maddux was less than pleased with the performance of QB Ben Roethlisberger, who was outscored by both backup QBs on her bench. "Our QB position is up for grabs in practice this week," she said as she stormed out of the postgame press conference. Coach Jason Young attained the tough road victory, albeit not without a near heart attack on MNF as he had to hope Knowshon Moreno was held to less than five points for the victory. "A win is a win, and that's the bottom line," Coach Young stated to our sideline reporter after the game. Young Gun Football was led by the phenominal right arm of Aaron Rodgers, who put up a 30 point effort in the victory.

The Pessimists (119) @ Illegal Alien Babies (84)

After entering Week 1 as the only team predicted to score less than 100 points, The Pessimists made it a point to prove their doubters wrong in a handy defeat over the Illegal Alien Babies. The Pessimists were led by Matt Hasselbeck, Ray Rice, and Calvin Johnson, who combined to score 66 points in the winning effort. Coach BJ Hudson was more than pleased, tweeting "First team to 100 points!" shortly after breaking the century mark. On the home sideline, Coach Darrell Campbell had flashbacks of a dismal start of the 2010 season as his troops struggled to find consistency throughout the lineup. The Aliens were led by a 21 point effort from Philip Rivers while star running back Chris Johnson could only muster 4 points. Coach Campbell was overheard yelling "Vamanos! Vamanos!" repeatedly as he paced up and down the home sideline.

Safety Blitz (96) @ Tebow's Youth Group (103)

Safety Blitz built a big early lead but couldn't withstand a remarkable performance from Tebow's Youth Group on MNF as Coach Daniel Campbell's squad pulled out the come from behind victory. Safety Blitz was led by the 21 point effort of Matt Forte, but Coach Phillip Campbell received limited production from his receivers and tight ends. "Kerry Collins better figure it the f$@# out really quick and get Dallas Clark the f$@#ing football!" Tebow's Youth Group was led by the record breaking performance of Tom Brady, who put up 42 points in leading the comeback. "What can I say, he's got great hair!" Coach Daniel Campbell joked after last night's victory.

Manager Prediction Standings

*Special note from the commissioner*

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the BHFFC:

I regret to inform you that ESPN does not show me the list of who voted for who in each week's game. As such, from this point forward, in addition to placing your vote, I need you to type in each game's Smack Board your name and who you predict will win. I regret that we have lost one full week of this great competition.

Sincerely,

Your Commissioner"

Poll Results

According to the poll results with 50% of the vote, the Titans will win 8 games this season.

Home Sweet Home?

Home teams went a combined 2-4 in Week 1, with Tebow's Youth Group and Play Action Pass being the only teams to hold serve over the weekend.

Against the Spread

Only two teams covered their spread this week: Team Maddux and Play Action Pass. Overall, teams predicted to win entering Week 1 went 3-3.

League Notes

Tom Brady led all players with 42 points...Wes Welker led all active wide receivers with 28 points...Ray Rice and Mike Tolbert led all running backs with 26 points each...Jason Witten and Jimmy Graham led all active tight ends with 11 points each...The 49ers set the tone defensively with 25 points in a dominant performance...Sebastian Janikowski led all active kickers with 13 points, including an NFL record-tying 63 yard bomb...Teams deploying a three wide receiver set in Week 1 went 1-3...While 11 teams were predicted to eclipse 100 points, only 4 succeeded in doing so...Play Action Pass led all teams with a whopping 141 points...Riley's Vikings leads all teams in points against with 71...The Campbell's combined for a 1-4 record in Week 1, with their only victory coming from Daniel defeating Phillip...The average margin of victory in Week 1 was 19.8 points...Carmichael's Crusader's bench scored 80 points, which would have been enough to defeat 3 of the starting lineups in Week 1.

Week 1 Preview

Game of the Week: We Got Big TDs (-4) @ Play Action Pass

This friendly rivalry turned ugly in a hurry during the draft this past Saturday, as Play Action Pass pulled a quick over on the Big TDs and signed Danny Woodhead. Rumors have swirled all week as to how the deal went down, but regardless of the actual circumstances, both of these coaches are out for blood in Week 1. Coach Tara Campbell brings a hard nosed running game to Monterey in Rashard Mendenhall and Peyton Hillis, but they are both faced with tough run defenses on Sunday. Matt Shaub may put up huge numbers against the Colts, especially if the Texans are forced to the air in the case that running back Arian Foster can't suit up. Play Action Pass looks to hit the ground running behind Drew Brees and the Saints on TNF. The dilemma for Coach David Looper is that Brees and his tight end, Jimmy Graham, are both facing his own defense in the Green Bay Packers. When asked about the situation, Coach Looper responded by saying, "I don't give a frog's behind about defense. When you come to Monterey, the sign reads "Where the hilltops kiss the sky." That's not the case for the Big TDs. As far as I'm concerned, this is where the Big TDs can kiss my a$$!!!"

Safety Blitz (+10) @ Tebow's Youth Group

This divisional matchup has the making for an instant classic in Week 1. Coach Phillip Campbell has yet to announce his starting lineup, instead choosing to keep his cards close to the vest. "It's bad enough that I have to sit through these stupid press conferences with you losers every week. Why the hell would I want to tell you about my gameplan?" Safety Blitz is hopeful that Arian Foster will be able to go on Sunday and that old man Kerry Collins can find Dallas Clark on a frequent basis. Tebow's Youth Group looks to counter behind the strong running of Jamaal Charles against a hideous Buffalo run defense. Coach Daniel Campbell is also looking for big production from his defense, who faces the hapless Washington Redskins on Sunday. Look for the difference in this game to come from the wide receiver position.

Riley's Vikings (+3) @ Campbell's Cougars

These two former roommates meet yet again on the gridiron for fantasy football bragging rights. Despite his absence from the draft, Coach Adam Warren is very confident in his team. "I've got two words for you: Michael F-ing Vick." Look for the Vikings to exploit their strength at running back, as they have favorable matchups at both the RB1 and RB2 positions. Campbell's Cougars will bring a strong rushing attack to this game as well behind Frank Gore, Steven Jackson, and Tim Hightower. The difference in this game could easily come down to the tight end position, where the Cougars have a definite advantage over the Vikings in Vernon Davis matching up with Lance Kendricks.

The Pessimists (+20) @ Illegal Alien Babies

The Pessimists will enter foreign territory as a huge underdog in Week 1. Coach BJ Hudson decided to bypass the draft room and opted instead to visit Toot's, which may have cost him dearly in the long run. Coach Hudson is taking a negative approach to his patchwork team, saying only that "I got screwed." On the opposite sideline, Coach Darrell Campbell is ready to begin his playoff run behind the newly signed ebonics specialist, Chris Johnson. The Illegal Alien Babies are ready to set their revamped "Dirty Bird" defense loose in their home opener. When asked for his thoughts on this week's matchup, Coach Campbell replied, "Andele', andele'. Vamanos!"

Team Maddux (+19) @ Carmichael's Crusaders

Coach Zach Maddux leads his team into uncharted waters in Week 1 as they battle newcomer Ethan Hudson and his Crusaders. Coach Maddux is hopeful that a healthy Tony Romo can earn his team one more win this year than last, as Team Maddux fell in the championship game last year. "I'm ready to play football," Coach Maddux quipped when asked about the sting of last year's losing finale. Coach Ethan Hudson will make his debut donning the spread offense, believing this his deep threat wide receivers can make the difference in the football game. When asked about all of the preparations that go into christening a new stadium, Coach Hudson replied, "I don't give a damn about ceremonies or firecrackers or any of that stuff. Bottom line is at the end of the day, the field is 100 yards long. I'm here to make a statement in Week 1."

Young Gun Football (+4) @ Maddawg's Tight End

Coach Jason Young looks to start his season strong as he faces newcomer Miranda Maddux in a Week 1 showdown. Young Gun Football will look to ride the arm of Aaron Rodgers and their trademark strong receiving corps as they invade Columbia this weekend. Coach Young was overheard telling his players at the end of this morning's walk through that "I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna get me some Tight End this weekend!"  Coach Miranda Maddux knows that she is in for a challenge in her first year in the league, yet she welcomes it with open arms. "The town of Columbia has been asking for another BHFFC member for years now," she said, "and I'm here to deliver it for them." Maddawg's Tight End will look to the veteran leadership of Big Ben to take them to the promised land. Coach Maddux will utilize a three wide set this weekend, but she said that she is ready for Coach Young focus his team's sights on her tight end. This game has potential to be an instant classic and will likely be decided on MNF.

League Notes

Carmichael's Crusaders are projected to lead all teams with 130 points this week...Eleven of the 12 teams in the league are projected to eclipse 100 points...Aaron Rodgers has the highest projection overall this week with 28 points...Roddy White leads all receivers with 23 points projected...Adrian Peterson is slated to lead the mail carriers with 20 points...Antonio Gates looks to start an injury free season and is projected to lead all tight ends with 14 points...The New York Giants are projected to take advantage of a new QB in Redskin country and lead all defenses with 11 points...Josh Brown of the Rams is projected to lead the one-barred bandits with 13 points...As of press time, 33% of the league will deploy a spread offense this week...Brett Favre and Randy Moss are both listed as free agents despite their retirement...A record five teams submitted press conferences this week...As of press time, Carmichael's Crusaders has four participants in TNF while Play Action Pass has three...No team has more than one player in their current starting lineup playing in MNF.  

Campbell's Cougars Press Conference-Week 1

Coach Campbell: Good evening, I would like to start off by saying how good it feels to be back.  My staff and I are looking forward to another great fantasy football season in the bhffc.  It is both a privilege and an honor to be a part of this league.  I am not surprised in the least to see that we are already expanding after only one season.  It speaks highly of the top notch job that is done by our commissioners as well as the dedication and performance of our coaches.  With that being said, I will open the floor to any questions you may have.

Travis Lawson: Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!  Break their freakin' necks!!!!!  Whooooooo!!!!!!!

Coach Campbell: Thanks Lawdog, I agree completely.  Looks like we may be getting the Sharpies out later.

McSweeny: Campbell it was a great idea having your press conference and cheerleader's calendar photo shoot together at my lake house.  When will the models get here!?

Coach Campbell:  Great question.  Warren's mom and sister will be arriving shortly.  They will alternate months 1-12.  Coach Phillip Campbell posed a great question concerning women to me the other night and I look forward to seeing how the Warrens "stack" up. 

Lstan: (yelling) Hey!  This better not take away from your time coaching the real Cougars of E. A. Cox!  This bottle is slipperier than a minner's pecker.

Coach Campbell: Why are you yelling at me?  I have allotted plenty of time for coaching both middle schoolers and professionals.  I aim to take both teams to the top. 

Big Al: Kody just took a dump in my yard and I stepped in it. 

Coach Campbell: That wasn't Kody and you should wear shoes when you go outside.  Tell Granny to take the curse off of me.  And tell the dirty chicken he is welcome on my team any day of the week. 

Vincent: I think the schnauzers have died, Richards hasn't been outside in years, and big Peg is thinking about joining the Big TD's. 

Coach Campbell: Where the hell did you come from Vinny?  Pat and Bill secretly call the cops on you when you shoot fireworks and I think Peggy would be a great fit on the Big TD's.  She will, however, need to contact Bone for that. I'm glad, and surprised, that you are still alive.

Lawson: Stampedes!!!!!!!!

Coach Campbell: On that note I will wrap this up.  I would like to thank everyone for coming.  I look forward to playing in our annual Coaches onside kickoff this weekend on the beautiful campus of MTSU. Let's Go Blue!!!!! Take it easy, and if it ain't easy don't take it.