Safety Blitz-Hell's Fury III Press Conference

Opening Statement: Let me open by saying that I am extremely disappointed in my football team. It is no secret that we are in the middle of a six game losing streak dating back to last season. Our front office is upset, our fans are upset, my players are upset, and I am upset. We will not make excuses. The bottom line is winning, and right now we aren't getting it done. We're going into one of the most hostile environments in the BHFFC this weekend with our backs against the wall. But just like I told my guys, when your back is against the wall, there's only one direction you can go.


Chris Berman: Rumbling, tumbling, bumbling, stumbling, BOOM! Coach, it appears that on paper you should have a better record than what you have. How disappointed are you in your team's start to the season?

Coach Campbell: Thanks for stopping by Boomer, I was worried that you wouldn't be able to fit through our narrow walkways here at our facility. Needless to say I'm very disappointed. I think we need the Swami to make a bold prediction in our favor this weekend for some added luck in our corner. Next question. Oh wait a minute, Boomer, let me get through the buffet line before you go, ok? Thanks.

Stuart Scott: Booyah! Coach C-YGF is hotta than a Chinese peppa-how you gonna slow dey roll?

Coach Campbell: God bless, didn't we have this problem last week? Stuart, bring a translator or stay the hell out of my press conferences. Next question.

Marv Albert: Coach Campbell, if I may, what is your strategy for slowing down the juggernaut that is YGF?

Coach Campbell: Marv, why are you only wearing a pair of panties and a belt? The last time you wore that outfit you got fired for biting some woman in the back 15 times! What a crazy SOB! Next question!

Mart Smeets (Father of Tjerk-appearing via satellite): PC! How is America! I love to eat big f$@!ing Americana steak! Great f$@!ing country! I love it! Good luck from across the pond on Sunday!

Coach Campbell: Holy Jesus! Smeets' father! Tell Tjerk congrats on proposing to his woman at the closing ceremonies of the 2008 Beijing Olympics! May the anteater rejoice!

Cecil Joyce: Big Phil! Thanks for having me again man. Talk a little about your series with YGF and what it takes to win in the town of 'Honeycutt.'

Coach Campbell: Honeycutt? Wow, Cecil, I'm impressed, you've done your homework. Let me get back to that in a minute. It's no secret that we are winless against YGF in two attempts. We lost both games last year by a combined 13 points. Both games were low-scoring, defensive wars and I would expect nothing less this Sunday. Last year, however, and these past two weeks of the season, we were more of a steam-powered locomotive. This week, we have upgraded to a diesel engine. The story goes like this: Oakdale was formerly known as 'Honeycutt' because of the Honeycutt family that originally settled the area. Oakdale is the sight of a railyard that was once vital to the Cincinatti Southern Railway. As such, the population boomed to 2,500 civilians. However, once the railroad industry advanced from steam power to diesel, the railyard in Oakdale lost its significance and thus most of its citizens. By 2000, their population was all the way down to 244 Oakdalians, including Travis Lawson and his pet goats and chickens. An interesting note about the population of Oakdale is that it is 100.00% white. That could pose an interesting scenario on Sunday as over 75% of my team is non-white.

Vince McMahon: Coach Campbell, you have no right to Diesel whatsoever. If you ever mention his name again I will sue your sorry ass!

(The sound of glass shattering echoes through the intercom system. Stone Cold busts through the doors and promptly delivers a Stone Cold Stunner on McMahon)

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Coach Campbell will say whatever the f$#! he wants, and that's the bottom line, cause STONE COLD SAID SO!!!