Coach Young: “I’d like to thank you guys for coming out today and hope you enjoyed the tour of our brand new practice/locker room facility here at Hell’s Half Acre and the awesome wings catered by Slick Pig Bar-b-que. As you can see, we are dedicated to building a winning franchise and this is just one cog in the wheel. It’s exciting to be getting back to football after a tumultuous offseason and our guys came in here ready to line up, put their hand in the earth, and play some football. Now, I’ll field some questions from you guys.”
Adam Sparks, DNJ: “Coach Young, you have a lot of new faces this year. How does your squad compare to last season’s team?”
Coach Young: “Well Adam, last year, we had guys step up in key moments and we have to have leaders step up again. I think we are greatly improved at the quarterback position with Aaron Rodgers. Eli Manning was a good quarterback for us; Rodgers will be a great quarterback for us. I believe we are just as strong at the receiver positions. We brought back Desean Jackson and Roddy White may put up better numbers than Andre Johnson did for us last season. The running game is a bit of a toss-up, but I think we have three quality backs, Jahvid Best, Ryan Matthews, and Shonn Greene, that are young and need to step up. We also have Brandon Jacobs for short yardage situations. I wanted to bring back Jason Witten at TE, but we were unable to do so. We will be going with a platoon approach with Zach Miller and the veteran Tony Gonzalez. Nate Kaeding is a great kicker and the Jets defense will round out our roster. I think we have the key components to compete for a division championship.”
David Climer, Tennessean: “Coach, what is your take on the league expanding to 12 teams?”
Coach Young: “I personally like the expansion. It makes drafting tougher. It makes finding free agents tougher. It makes winning tougher. In the BHFFC, only the strong survive and that is why winning in this league is the greatest accomplishment in all of fantasy football. I feel that the schedule is more balanced and it’s great ending the season with a rivalry game.”
Jim Rome, ESPN: “Coach Young, speaking of rivalries, what games do you circle on your calendar the day the schedule comes out?”
Coach Young: “Great question Jim. The first game I look for is Safety Blitz and our Hell’s Fury battle. Week 3 will be Hell’s Fury III and we end the season on rivalry week with Hell’s Fury IV! We took it to Coach Campbell’s squad last season and I’m sure he will have his team fired up and ready for a blood-bath when we square off again. The next game I looked for is with the Pessimists. We owned Coach Hudson’s team in the regular season, but they knocked us out in the first round of the playoffs and I haven’t had one good night’s sleep since. We have to wait 13 weeks for the Pessimists, but we plan to make it an unlucky 13 for Coach Hudson and his guys. And of course, week 4’s matchup with Tebow’s Youth Group (or whatever that team will be called by the 4th week) is circled for two reasons. First, they were one of the top teams last season and are boasting about a 17 win season this year, so knocking them down a notch or two will be a sweet feeling. Secondly, I have some payback planned for Coach Dan Campbell for breaking my finger with a scorching onside kick at tailgating last year.”
Tim McCarver, ESPN Baseball Analyst: “Coach Young, are the rumors about…”
Coach Young (interrupting the question): “Who the hell let this idiot into the building again?!? I see you hanging around outside the building begging for money McCarver and I’ve told you to hit the road a hundred times. If you thought Deion didn’t have any class for dumping that water in your stupid face, wait till you see what I’m gonna do if you show up here again. This press conference is over. Get this jamoke out of my sight!”
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