Opening Statement: Let me start by saying this: I'M PISSED OFF!!! LOSING IS UNACCEPTABLE!!! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF LOSING!!! (Paces across the stage). Questions, I'm ready for quesitons.
Cecil Joyce (former colleague of Tony Stinnett at DNJ): Phil-Dog, how's it going? It's been a long time since Babe Ruth when Joshua Hughes was firing knuckle balls at you back in the day. How has life been treating you?
Coach Campbell: Shut the hell up Cecil! This isn't time for a family reunion! Next question.
Erin Andrews: Coach Campbell, I'm sorry if I distracted you by constantly bending over on your sideline.
Coach Campbell: I didn't even notice. You're not really my type, contrary to the BS that Coach Daniel Campbell was talking all last week. You need to eat some taters and cornbread before you will be a distraction to me little girl! Next question.
Stuart Scott: Booyah! Coach C! My man Foster is set to get it done on Sunday-you gonna start him?
Coach Campbell: WTF did you just say? Was that English? And what the hell is wrong with your eye? Next question.
Jo-Jo: Coach Campbell, what are your thoughts on the Illegal Alien Babies?
Coach Campbell: Finally, a football question. Thank you Jo-Jo. It's good be back home again. Our fans are the best in the BHFFC and 'The Devil's Den' is going to be rocking all weekend. Our guys know that we have to hold serve at home, especially against foreign invaders. The Illegal Alien Babies are going to present us with a tough matchup this weekend. Their spread attack is tough to defend and they have quality receivers all over the place. We have to hope that we can keep CJ off the tracks again this week as he acclimates himself to a new offensive coordinator.
Jo-Jo: Any truth to the rumor that you will have Customs officials stationed outside the visitors' locker room?
Coach Campbell: No comment. Next question.
Bill O'Reilly: Mr. Campbell, have you taken into account the ramifications of bringing a team from a third world country and their fans onto American soil? This has the makings of a political disaster written all over it and as I am sure you are aware, we are quickly approaching an election year. Would you care to explain yourself?
Coach Campbell: WTF is Bill O'Reilly doing at my press conference?!? Bill O'Reilly? Somebody get this crazy SOB out of here! (Security drags a kicking and screaming Bill towards the door) Wait! Bill! If you want an interview, you will have to do it through my director of media relations. Talk to him on your way out!
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