Opening Statement: I would like to thank Jesus Christ for such a successful draft. I can’t wait for this season to get underway! Myself and my fellow coaches of Tebow’s Youth Group are very pleased with how well the 2nd annual Blue Hellion draft went. We had several players begging at our doorstep to be re-signed this season, but sometimes you gotta know when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em! With Peyton Manning’s neck injury still lingering from last year’s playoff loss to Zach Maddux and the Wolfpack, we decided to explore other options. I personally believe that we found the perfect guy for the job. We now have Tom “pretty boy” Brady to lead our team out of the tunnel every Sunday. Sure we make fun of him for his pretty boy hair sometimes, but the kid can play and there is no doubt about that. I am very confident in our team and fully expect to win anywhere between 16 and 17 games this year.
I would be more than happy to answer any questions now.
Reporter: You do know that your team will only play 17 regular season games, right Coach Campbell?
Coach Campbell: Oh shit, I thought that was part of our league expansion as well. I thought we would get some more games. Ahh what the hell, I still think our guys should put together a 17 win season.
Reporter: On another topic, what are you expecting out of your four running backs this year?
Coach Campbell: I’m expecting for each one of my backs to make the most of their opportunities. They should be firing on all cylinders and ready to hit somebody in the mouth on Week 1. For now, we are willing to label Jamaal Charles as our starting tailback and only returning starter from last season. All three of the others should be ready to go, as one tailback can’t be expected to carry a team all season long. Beanie Wells and Ryan Grant have to come out and prove to me that they are still NFL caliber running backs. Mark Ingram on the other hand, we all saw what he was capable of doing in college. The NFL is another level, with defensive ends that can chase down running backs in the backfield. But nonetheless, we are expecting great things out of Ingram. Roll Tide!
Reporter: Do you have any special strategies planned against Coach Phillip Campbell’s Safety Blitz?
Coach Campbell: I tell you how you can figure out our strategy…..WATCH THE GAME!!! We look to exploit every weakness that we can find this weekend. If there aren’t any weaknesses, that just means our team will have to outplay them in every position. We know that Coach Phillip Campbell will have his boys ready to play, as he always does. We do expect to be able to distract Coach Phillip Campbell by strategically placing Erin Andrews on his sideline throughout the game. We are hoping that once he loses focus, his team will as well.
Reporter: How is the rest of your team looking in training camp so far?
Coach Campbell: Our boys have come out and practiced hard. We have had full-contact practices without pads all preseason long. Sure, we have seen a few injuries from this. We have Lee Evans and Mark Ingram a little banged up right now. But come gametime this weekend, our boys will be fearlessly flying all over the field. We are very pleased that we have a solid foundation player at every position this year. We have Tom Brady at QB, Jamaal Charles at RB, Reggie Wayne at WR, Antonio Gates at TE, Rob Bironas at K, and we signed the entire Ravens Defense. Our team must have faith in their backups to step up and perform at a level that even Tebow and Jesus would be proud of.
I have time for one more question before I have to go shave Brady’s head.
Reporter: Coach Campbell, I don’t see how we overlooked this question. What made you decide to change your team name this year?
Coach Campbell: Funny story, Beavis. Commissioner Campbell got pretty upset with me last year for constantly changing our team name. I found that it got my guys fired up, as it was often a name used to taunt our opponents. For instance, we were called My Poop Is Ronnie & Brown when we played the team with Ronnie Brown. Of course, Ronnie Brown was psyched out and accumulated maybe 20 total yards that game. Commissioner Campbell knew we were a great football team last year and didn’t want to give us any more advantage on our opponents than we already had. So this year he limited me to only one team name. Therefore we chose Tebow’s Youth Group, as it symbolized both Jesus and Tim Tebow. I have always had trouble coming out with my introductory statement at press conferences. Now it’s easy as I can just mimic my idol…… “I would like to thank Jesus Christ for (insert anything) .”
Thanks for your time. See you next week.
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