Coach Campbell: Let me just start off by saying….I’d like to thank Jesus Christ for Tom Brady and his 517 yard, 4 touchdown performance. Going into Monday night’s game, we knew we had a difficult task ahead of us. We were losing by 18 points. Coach Phillip Campbell and the Safety Blitz still had Deion Branch and Stephen Gostkowski to play. All we had left was Tom “Pretty Boy” Brady. This meant that we needed an 18 point turn around, while one of Phillip’s remaining players was Tom Brady’s second favorite target. Going into the game, I told Tom that he could only use Branch as a last resort target. I told him that if every one of his other receivers is in double coverage in the endzone, but Branch is wide open with no one within 15 yards of him…..you throw that ball away! Tom executed the gameplan perfectly, as he connected with Deion on 7 occasions for 93 yards and ZERO touchdowns! If we could just keep Deion out of the endzone, we knew we would give ourselves a fighting chance to win the game. I will now be more than happy to answer any questions.
Coach Adam Warren disguised as a Reporter: Umm yes Coach Campbell, do you ever wonder what’s going on behind you during the game?
Coach Campbell: I’m sorry, I don’t think I understand the question. Could you elaborate?
Coach Adam Warren disguised as a Reporter: Well, what if all of the light poles started falling over onto the field? What would you do?
Coach Campbell: What the hell kind of a question is that?!? I’m here to answer football questions damnit, not questions about dodging falling light poles! Why are you at the Youth Group vs. Safety Blitz press conference wearing a Riley’s Vikings hat anyways? Wait a minute, take the hat and shades off.
(Coach Warren takes off his disguise)
Damnit Warren! I should’ve known that question could only come from your mouth. Security, get him out of here. Warren, we’ll see you in Week 7! Next question please.
Reporter: There were rumors floating around all week that you had held a 30-minute session each day training your receivers on tackling. Is this true?
Coach Campbell: No, it was actually 2 hours each day.
Reporter: Coach Campbell, why were you working with your receivers on tackling?
Coach Campbell: We only allowed Deion Branch to run 5 & out patterns all game long. In the off chance that Deion broke a couple of tackles and headed towards the endzone, we were going to need Welker, Ochocinco, or Hernandez wrap him up. Luckily that situation never came about. Next question please.
Reporter: Coach Campbell, you received some criticism from Coach Warren earlier this week about starting the Giants defense instead of the Ravens defense. Could you tell us what led you to this decision?
Coach Campbell: First, I would like to publicly apologize to Ed Reed and Ray Lewis. That should be enough to prevent my ass from being beaten in the locker room. I accept full responsibility for my actions in benching the Ravens defense. Up until this past Sunday, Joe Flacco had never beaten the Steelers. Therefore, I decided to explore other options. It was a mistake as the Ravens defense put up 3 interceptions, 4 fumble recoveries, and 4 sacks. I was glad that my Ravens defense made a statement to prove me wrong. This gives me the utmost confidence in them to perform all season the way they did in Week 1.
Reporter: What are you expecting in your Week 2 matchup with Campbell’s Cougars? This will be back-to-back weeks that you will be coaching against a brother of yours.
Coach Campbell: You think I don’t know that?!? Sorry, I’m not too excited about getting such a tough early schedule. But I’m excited about all of the Campbells in the league this year. I know that all Campbells (blood or not) are strong competitors. We know that Coach Matthew Campbell will be looking to get his team back on the right track in Week 2. They lost a 71-72 nailbiter to Coach Warren and the Vikes in Week 1. We are not going to let the 71 points fool us though. The Cougars are loaded with a backfield full of workhorse running backs and a grandstand full of smoking hot 40+ year-old women. Gore, Jackson, and Hightower are all hard-nosed tailbacks that like to get cut a sweep back in between the tackles rather than breaking it outside. This week in practice, expect to see some CAT equipment out on our practice fields. We will have our o-line pushing bulldozers instead of sleds, our linebacks taking wrecking balls to the stomach, and our kickers practicing accuracy by kicking into the back of a dump truck. Just ask Coach Matthew Campbell about what he and I used to do to strengthen our core with a tennis racket and tennis balls in the middle of the culdesac. We know that Coach Campbell has three quality quarterbacks in Newton, Ryan, and Kolb. He has yet to name the starter, so we will have three different gameplans to accommodate for each of their different styles. We are looking for continued performances from Brady, Beanie, and Wayne to carry us. Also, I would like to see Jamaal Charles step up and play his game this week. We didn’t get what we expected in Week 1 from our first round draft selection. We consulted with Coach Darrell Campbell, and he agreed to train Jamaal in his push-up regiment. Luckily, we were able to find an hour from 2:00am-3:00am on Thursday mornings when Coach Darrell Campbell wasn’t busy sneaking Mexicans across the border.
If that’s all of the questions, we will see you all on the pitch.
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