Coach Campbell: Our team sucks. You’re only as good as your last game and we suck! What questions are there?
Dan Patrick: Coach Campbell, your team’s running game has not been…dare I say, en fuego. If your team wins the coin toss in Week 4, which side will you select to defend? I have heard that defending the east end zone allows your tailbacks to run against the grain. Is there any truth to this statement?
Coach Campbell: Damn you Dan Patrick! I thought I told you not to bring your gay-ass sayings into any more of my press conferences? En fuego? Against the grain? First of all, yes our running game has been brutal and I’ll be the first to admit that. I have seen Chris Berman break better runs to the dessert bar. And if we win the coin toss this Sunday, we want the ball damnit! I don’t care what end we defend. I want to be the first team to put points on the board! Next question.
DNJ Tom Kreager: Yes Coach Fred, how do you plan on limiting the number of corner kicks that Young Gun Football gets on Sunday?
Coach Campbell: Well jackass, it might help if you got my name right first. Secondly, that’s the wrong sport. It’s been years since you were interviewing me for soccer games. And by the way, Momma T is still pissed that you messed my name up in an article where I scored a hat trick in a district tournament game. Security, get ole fat Tommy boy out of my press conference.
Hulk Hogan: Oh yeah brotha (while ripping his shirt off)! Get him out of here with a whipping lariat and a big boot across his jaw line. I like how you take care of business brotha! At what point in this week’s game will your boys need to kick it into Hulkamania mode?
Coach Campbell: Finally, someone that I don’t mind answering to. Hulk, let me just start off by saying that you have the most manly daughter that I have ever seen. I would let her suit up on this football team any day! As for my guys, we are always in Hulkamania mode. As a matter of fact, we use the wrestling ring that you built us last year in training camp. The tag team champions at the end of training camp assume the responsibility of being our starting tailbacks. Next question.
Ric Flair: Whoo! (slaps his own chest) Whoo! Coach Campbell, I love your kick-ass attitude. And from the sounds of it, I agree with your training regiment! Whoo! What do you think about your recent acquisitions from Riley’s Vikings? Whoo!
Coach Campbell: The Nature Boy is still alive!?!?! Ric, why is your chest oiled up right now? Come on up on this stage and we’ll make a few more practice footballs out of your leathery skin. Sorry, back to your question. We are absolutely stellar about welcoming our new team members this week! Ahmad Bradshaw and Daniel Thomas are both coming off of big weeks of production. We are excited to have healthy backs that want to work without worrying about 30 million dollars a year. Jeremy Maclin and Santonio Holmes are both working through injuries right now. We are going to slowly welcome them into our system. But going forward, I fully expect all four of these guys to start every game. We couldn’t be happier with our scouting and negotiations team.
Erin Andrews: Coach Campbell, I noticed that you call plays similarly to the Oregon Ducks offense. You guys have adopted the posterboard signs with several pictures on them. Why haven’t I seen any pictures of me on the board?
Coach Campbell: I’m sorry, could you repeat that question. I was ummm….distracted by the two boobies, I mean babies in the crowd.
(Erin Andrews repeats question.)
Coach Campbell: This is the easiest question to answer yet. Erin, the only pictures that I currently own of you would not be appropriate to put on a posterboard.
Erin Andrews: Oh Coach Campbell, I thought I told you to get rid of those. What are you expecting this week from Coach Jason Young and the only undefeated team remaining in the BHFFC?
Coach Campbell: We know that Young’s team will come in here to “The Sanctuary” and give us a war. We have been preparing to face his tough running game with standouts Jahvid Best and Ryan Mathews. My guys will be told to shut down the run and to make Aaron Rodgers beat us through the air. Coach Young is a very worthy opponent, as his team was the number one seed in last year’s playoffs. He has talent at every single position on the field. But I think that man for man, we match up very well with his team. Sure we are a little banged up, but our guys will have to step up and get us back in the win column this week. If that’s all, I will see you guys on Sunday.
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