Young Gun Football Hell's Fury V Press Conference

Coach Young: “I’d like to thank all you brainless media pundits for taking a break from suckling the Obama teet for a few minutes to finally cover the BHFFC. As you know, you guys have been banned from Hell’s Half Acre for the first two weeks of the season due to the court ruling involving YGF’s Director of Player Personnel Travis Lawson’s pending hearing for some incidents with you media idiots at the end of last season. It has also come to my attention that he may be facing a ban from Run DMC’s facility, as well as, sanctions from the BHFFC. I’ll speak for a moment about the season and this week’s huge rivalry game.”

“YGF will never be satisfied until we win the Confederation Cup. That is the one and only goal of this organization. Julio Jones forgot that last Monday night when he took for granted a TD catch and lost focus and the ball. It cost us the game and he paid for it every morning this week. Let’s just say he’s familiar with every step in Hell’s Half Acre’s 98,500 seat stadium. Matty-Ice is on a tear. I think he could surpass Aaron Rodgers numbers here last season. My RB situation is a bit complicated, but Stephen Ridley has stepped up and said “feed me the ball coach” and we are doing so. Larry Fitzgerald and Eric Decker better step it up or they will be in here with Julio at 4:45 am. Gronkowski will do what he does and that is score points and score with the pornstars. One of our box suites has been converted into an onsite strip club and is the only stadium in the BHFFC to have lap dances and strip teases during games. This is why my K, Sebastien Janikowski has been nursing an injured groin all season. I believe Campbell’s Cougars had an onsite strip club located behind a concession stand dumpster, but it was shut down due to a herpes pandemic.”

“This week’s game will decide the entire season for both teams this weekend. Safety Blitz is one of only 3 teams without a loss and after YGF’s choke job last week; we are essentially 2 games back in our division. Right now the line on Hell’s Fury V is a pick at 105 apiece. I fully expect to take Coach Campbell’s best shot this week, but his guys better have their helmets welded on because we intend to give it right back. This should be like a heavy weight fight with both guys slugging it out in the middle of the ring.  Last year, Safety Blitz finally drew blood in the series and we are ready to exact some revenge! Whoever wins this game will be off to a great start and will be poised to make a playoff run; the loser will have a long, uphill battle for the rest of the season. I’m sure Portland will be rocking this weekend, but we will be ready for the war.”

Adam Sparks, DNJ: “Coach, one quick question if I may? Would you care to comment on the league upheaval with regards to the trade veto and subsequent name calling?”

Coach Young: “Finally a decent question from a horrible sportswriter. First let me say that my vote was to veto the trade. As time has progressed, it seems the trade may not have been as lopsided as many originally thought, but I would vote to veto any trade that may help Run DMC in any manner. Coach Dan Campbell has been one of the top teams in this league and is the only reason YGF hasn’t been regarded as the one super-power of the BHFFC. That; and our horrible playoff record. Secondly, as to the name calling, I find it comical that it even caused a stir. I found it rather amusing to be honest. If you don’t like what YGF says or the way we vote, then come step on the field with us and do something about it where it counts. Keep in mind though, most teams that have been out there with us leave with their head a little lower and their mouths shut and that is the YGF way. We do our talking on the field. See you out there.” …the lights dim and Coach Young exits to Metallica’s version of “The Ecstasy of Gold” (Theme from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.)