Young Gun Football Press Conference-Week 1

Coach Young: “I’d like to thank you guys for coming out today and hope you enjoyed the tour of our brand new practice/locker room facility here at Hell’s Half Acre and the awesome wings catered by Slick Pig Bar-b-que.  As you can see, we are dedicated to building a winning franchise and this is just one cog in the wheel. It’s exciting to be getting back to football after a tumultuous offseason and our guys came in here ready to line up, put their hand in the earth, and play some football. Now, I’ll field some questions from you guys.”

Adam Sparks, DNJ: “Coach Young, you have a lot of new faces this year. How does your squad compare to last season’s team?”

Coach Young: “Well Adam, last year, we had guys step up in key moments and we have to have leaders step up again. I think we are greatly improved at the quarterback position with Aaron Rodgers. Eli Manning was a good quarterback for us; Rodgers will be a great quarterback for us. I believe we are just as strong at the receiver positions. We brought back Desean Jackson and Roddy White may put up better numbers than Andre Johnson did for us last season. The running game is a bit of a toss-up, but I think we have three quality backs, Jahvid Best, Ryan Matthews, and Shonn Greene, that are young and need to step up. We also have Brandon Jacobs for short yardage situations. I wanted to bring back Jason Witten at TE, but we were unable to do so. We will be going with a platoon approach with Zach Miller and the veteran Tony Gonzalez. Nate Kaeding is a great kicker and the Jets defense will round out our roster. I think we have the key components to compete for a division championship.”

David Climer, Tennessean: “Coach, what is your take on the league expanding to 12 teams?”

Coach Young: “I personally like the expansion. It makes drafting tougher. It makes finding free agents tougher. It makes winning tougher. In the BHFFC, only the strong survive and that is why winning in this league is the greatest accomplishment in all of fantasy football. I feel that the schedule is more balanced and it’s great ending the season with a rivalry game.”

Jim Rome, ESPN: “Coach Young, speaking of rivalries, what games do you circle on your calendar the day the schedule comes out?”

Coach Young: “Great question Jim. The first game I look for is Safety Blitz and our Hell’s Fury battle. Week 3 will be Hell’s Fury III and we end the season on rivalry week with Hell’s Fury IV! We took it to Coach Campbell’s squad last season and I’m sure he will have his team fired up and ready for a blood-bath when we square off again. The next game I looked for is with the Pessimists. We owned Coach Hudson’s team in the regular season, but they knocked us out in the first round of the playoffs and I haven’t had one good night’s sleep since.  We have to wait 13 weeks for the Pessimists, but we plan to make it an unlucky 13 for Coach Hudson and his guys. And of course, week 4’s matchup with Tebow’s Youth Group (or whatever that team will be called by the 4^th week) is circled for two reasons. First, they were one of the top teams last season and are boasting about a 17 win season this year, so knocking them down a notch or two will be a sweet feeling. Secondly, I have some payback planned for Coach Dan Campbell for breaking my finger with a scorching onside kick at tailgating last year.”

Tim McCarver, ESPN Baseball Analyst: “Coach Young, are the rumors about…”

Coach Young (interrupting the question): “Who the hell let this idiot into the building again?!? I see you hanging around outside the building begging for money McCarver and I’ve told you to hit the road a hundred times. If you thought Deion didn’t have any class for dumping that water in your stupid face, wait till you see what I’m gonna do if you show up here again. This press conference is over. Get this jamoke out of my sight!”

Tebow's Youth Group Press Conference-Week 1

Opening Statement:  I would like to thank Jesus Christ for such a successful draft.  I can’t wait for this season to get underway!  Myself and my fellow coaches of Tebow’s Youth Group are very pleased with how well the 2^nd annual Blue Hellion draft went.  We had several players begging at our doorstep to be re-signed this season, but sometimes you gotta know when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em!  With Peyton Manning’s neck injury still lingering from last year’s playoff loss to Zach Maddux and the Wolfpack, we decided to explore other options.  I personally believe that we found the perfect guy for the job.  We now have Tom “pretty boy” Brady to lead our team out of the tunnel every Sunday.  Sure we make fun of him for his pretty boy hair sometimes, but the kid can play and there is no doubt about that.  I am very confident in our team and fully expect to win anywhere between 16 and 17 games this year.

I would be more than happy to answer any questions now.

Reporter:  You do know that your team will only play 17 regular season games, right Coach Campbell?

Coach Campbell:  Oh shit, I thought that was part of our league expansion as well.  I thought we would get some more games.  Ahh what the hell, I still think our guys should put together a 17 win season.

Reporter:  On another topic, what are you expecting out of your four running backs this year?

Coach Campbell:  I’m expecting for each one of my backs to make the most of their opportunities.  They should be firing on all cylinders and ready to hit somebody in the mouth on Week 1.  For now, we are willing to label Jamaal Charles as our starting tailback and only returning starter from last season.  All three of the others should be ready to go, as one tailback can’t be expected to carry a team all season long.  Beanie Wells and Ryan Grant have to come out and prove to me that they are still NFL caliber running backs.  Mark Ingram on the other hand, we all saw what he was capable of doing in college.  The NFL is another level, with defensive ends that can chase down running backs in the backfield.  But nonetheless, we are expecting great things out of Ingram.  Roll Tide!

Reporter:  Do you have any special strategies planned against Coach Phillip Campbell’s Safety Blitz?

Coach Campbell:  I tell you how you can figure out our strategy…..WATCH THE GAME!!! We look to exploit every weakness that we can find this weekend.  If there aren’t any weaknesses, that just means our team will have to outplay them in every position.  We know that Coach Phillip Campbell will have his boys ready to play, as he always does.  We do expect to be able to distract Coach Phillip Campbell by strategically placing Erin Andrews on his sideline throughout the game.  We are hoping that once he loses focus, his team will as well.

Reporter:  How is the rest of your team looking in training camp so far?

Coach Campbell:  Our boys have come out and practiced hard.  We have had full-contact practices without pads all preseason long.  Sure, we have seen a few injuries from this.  We have Lee Evans and Mark Ingram a little banged up right now.  But come gametime this weekend, our boys will be fearlessly flying all over the field.  We are very pleased that we have a solid foundation player at every position this year.  We have Tom Brady at QB, Jamaal Charles at RB, Reggie Wayne at WR, Antonio Gates at TE, Rob Bironas at K, and we signed the entire Ravens Defense.  Our team must have faith in their backups to step up and perform at a level that even Tebow and Jesus would be proud of.

I have time for one more question before I have to go shave Brady’s head.

Reporter:  Coach Campbell, I don’t see how we overlooked this question.  What made you decide to change your team name this year?

Coach Campbell:  Funny story, Beavis.  Commissioner Campbell got pretty upset with me last year for constantly changing our team name.  I found that it got my guys fired up, as it was often a name used to taunt our opponents.  For instance, we were called My Poop Is Ronnie & Brown when we played the team with Ronnie Brown.  Of course, Ronnie Brown was psyched out and accumulated maybe 20 total yards that game.  Commissioner Campbell knew we were a great football team last year and didn’t want to give us any more advantage on our opponents than we already had.  So this year he limited me to only one team name.  Therefore we chose Tebow’s Youth Group, as it symbolized both Jesus and Tim Tebow.  I have always had trouble coming out with my introductory statement at press conferences.  Now it’s easy as I can just mimic my idol…… “I would like to thank Jesus Christ for (insert anything) .” 

Thanks for your time.  See you next week.

We Got Big TDs Press Conference-Week 1

Opening Statement: Good evening.  Let me start by saying that my ball club is ready to kick off a successful season on Thursday night.  We have had a summer full of rebuilding, name changes, and personnel changes.  We are ready to prove that change is good and that we are a better team than we were last year.  I will field your questions now.

Reporter:  Why the name change?  Your team went from being called “The Hail Mary’s” to “The Big TDs”.  Why?

Coach Bone:  Well, the answer to that question is two fold.  First, the Hail Mary’s indicate a level of desperation.  There is nothing desperate about us and we don’t want our name causing any confusion on that issue.  Secondly, our team has really grown in the off season and we wanted a new name to reflect that.

Reporter:  What is your take on there being a second female coach in the league this year?

Coach Bone:  Why would I care one way or the other?  I am focused on my ball club and winning.  Nothing else.  I don’t care if my opponent is led by a male or female.  I wish her the best of luck, but when my Big TDs meet her Tight End, it is game on…

Reporter:  The football world was shocked when at the last minute Danny Woodhead left your squad for Play Action Pass.  Would you like to enlighten us on what ended his tenure with your team?

Coach Bone:  My emotions are still pretty raw concerning this situation.  I won’t just comment, I will tell you exactly what happened.  Evidently Woody had scheduled a rendezvous meeting with Coach Looper in my locker room… MY LOCKER ROOM!  He obviously was not expecting me to walk in, but I did and caught him in the act red handed.  When I asked what he was doing he said it wasn’t what it looked like.  After I bitch slapped him, the truth came out….he was just trying to see if someone else’s grass was greener.  He apologized and said it was all him and not me, but I told him his relationship with these Big TDs was over.  He signed with Play Action Pass that afternoon.

Reporter:  It sounds as if you are very upset by these turn of events.

Coach Bone:  Well aren’t you a wiz kid.  Hell yeah, I’m upset.  Last year no one would give Woody the time of day, except me.  All the male coaches in this league just turned their backs on him and wanted nothing to do with a Woody.  But, I took Woody in, claimed him as my own, personally gave him a rigorous workout routine, helped him get bigger and tougher and this is the repayment I get from him?  It’s fine…I  have a feeling Coach Looper won’t give him the personal attention I did and we will see it on the field.  I am predicting that Woody gets penal-ized for premature jumps and loses some of his rigor.  He will be a limp running back without the Big TDs.

Reporter:  You made big changes at your QB spot during the off season.  Your predictions?

Coach Bone:  Last year our quarterback position was the weakest on our team.  Injuries and poor performance plagued both my QBs.  This year, we needed to shake things up.  We will be led by Shaub and he will be backed up by Cassel.  I am very confident in the ability of both men and look forward to the places they will take this team. 

If there are no more questions, I thank you for your time.  

Safety Blitz Press Conference-Week 1

Opening Statement: I couldn't be more excited about getting the season started. Last year's results left a bad taste in our mouths and we are ready to move forward and turn the page. I feel like we have made the necessary changes to improve our team and have a chance to win every time we step on the field. We went into the offseason with the general idea that nobody's job was secure. As you can see by looking at our roster, we have 13 new faces in the locker room right now. Sometimes change is good and in this situation, I believe that change can only help our organization. We missed the playoffs last year and that is totally unacceptable by my standards. We are taking a ruthless aggression approach to this year's schedule and I demand better results.

Reporter: Do you plan to make any roster changes prior to kickoff in Week 1?

Coach Campbell: We are always looking for ways to improve our team so if the opportunity arises, yes, we will make changes. But in saying that, understand that I am very confident in the 16 players I have in that locker room right now.

Reporter: Week 1 poses a big test for you as you face a playoff team from a year ago. What are your thoughts on Tebow's Youth Group going into the game?

Coach Campbell: We have our hands full, there is no doubt about that. We are looking at this game as an opportunity. It's an opportunity to win a football game against a quality opponent. It's an opportunity to get the year started on a positive note. It's an opportunity to see our mental toughness as we will be on the road in a tough environment. It is going to take a total team effort to have a chance to win this weekend.

Reporter: How surprised were you to see Arian Foster available when the 8th pick came around in the draft?

Coach Campbell: I'm still shocked. To have a player of his magnitude available that late in the draft; I really don't know what to say. I know that the hamstring injury has raised some questions concerning his availability in Week 1, but for a running back of his caliber to be on the board with the 8th pick--needless to say it made our decision very easy in the 1st round. We are excited to have him in a Safety Blitz uniform.

Reporter: What are the keys to the game for you to win this weekend?

Coach Campbell: We have to be prepared to weather the storm. They really feed off of the energy of their crowd and we know they are going to come out swinging on Thursday night. We just have to show the ability to take a punch and survive the opening round or two. Coach Daniel Campbell will have his guys ready to play, there is no doubt about that. We will have to take advantage of opportunities as they arise and try to keep it close going into MNF. Playing on the road, our goal is always to stay in the game and give ourselves a chance to win it late. Hopefully we will be in position to win on Monday night.

2011 State of the Confederation Address

*Recorded earlier today from a live national television broadcast*

Commissioner's Opening Statement: It is with great honor and valor that I stand here today in front of another sold out crowd as our second BHFFC draft has concluded. I would like to take this opportunity to welcome two new members to our league as a result of our offseason expansion project. First I would like to welcome Ethan Hudson, owner and manager of Carmichael's Crusaders. Ethan is the younger brother of our reigning league champion, BJ 'Toots' Hudson. Second, I would like to welcome Miranda Maddux, owner and manager of Maddawg's Tight End. Our negotiations went down to the wire with Coach Maddawg, but we were able to strike a deal right at the deadline and are very pleased to announce that our expansion project is complete for this season.

I believe that the draft was a success for every team involved. Time will be the true test of how well each manager selected. I have no doubt that our league remains the premium fantasy league in all of sports. In addition to expanding our league by two teams, we have an active blog, increased our league's salary cap, and added a rivalry week during week 17. These things, combined with our state of the art league trophy and balanced league schedule, separate the BHFFC from the rest of the amateur fantasy participants throughout the world.

We strive to provide our fans with the best that fantasy football has to offer, and I firmly believe that you will find an outstanding product week in and week out in the BHFFC. At this time I would like to open the floor to any questions that you may have.

Reporter: Mr. Commissioner, it was rumored that the league wanted to expand to 14 teams instead of 12. Is this true and if so, what happened to prevent this?

Commissioner: We are always looking for opportunities to improve our league. We pursued expansion very eagerly during the offseason and are proud to have added two new members. At this time I believe that 12 is a good, solid number of teams.

Reporter: So was there ever a desire to expand to 14?

Commissioner: I wouldn't use the word 'desire,' but we have explored a number of different options. As of right now we have 12 teams and we feel that is a good size.

Reporter: Did you add another female in an effort to prevent an inequality lawsuit?

Commissioner: Inequality never crossed my mind in our addition of Coach Maddawg. When we were searching for our expansion teams, we set a list of criteria that we were looking for in our league members. Coaches Maddawg and Ethan Hudson fit all of those search criteria.

Reporter: What exactly are the search criteria that you are looking for?

Commissioner: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Reporter: Do you have any explanation for why the reigning league champion was not present during today's draft?

Commissioner: Coach BJ Hudson had a family situation that came up early this morning. Our league places an emphasis on family first and as such, I have no issue with his absence.

Reporter: Which team do you feel had the best draft today?

Commissioner: Ask me that question again in 17 weeks and I will be glad to answer that question (laughter). On paper, each team looks strong at this point. The difference will be coaching, matchups, and injuries that occur during the season. I have no doubt that our league will have a competitive balance just like we did last year.

Reporter: What was the motivation behind creating the rivaly week to conclude the season?

Commissioner: We were looking at scenarios to create a fair, balanced league schedule. With 12 teams, it made sense to play each divisional team twice and each nondivisional team once. However, that left us with one extra game to play. Instead of utilizing a bye week, we decided to add one extra nondivisional league game against each opponent's natural rival. I believe that it will be popular with both coaches and fans alike.

Any other questions? No? Well again, thank you for your attendance at today's draft. I look forward to a prosperous, hard-hitting season. Thank you.

Super Bowl Preview

The first champion of the Blue Hellions' Fantasy Football Confederation will be crowned this weekend, as The Pessimists battle the One-Man Wolf Pack with the Confederation Cup on the line. This year's game will take place in sunny San Antonio. Both teams have conducted closed practices all week in preparation for Sunday's showdown.

Coach BJ Hudson brought his team into town immediately following last Sunday's semifinal victory. While some media experts believe he brought his team too soon, Coach Hudson is having none of it, simply stating that "I know my team better than any of you morons do. We'll be ready to play on Sunday. Book it."

On the opposite sideline, Coach Zach Maddux has appeared more laid back in his meetings with the media this week. The Wolf Pack arrived at the home of the Alamo on Wednesday afternoon and have stayed downtown in a hotel directly on the riverwalk. While Coach Maddux has been fairly reserved in his statements, the town of Columbia already has a victory parade scheduled for 10 a.m. Monday morning. Said Coach Maddux, "I'm here to win a football game. The parades are for the fans. That's our marketing department at work. I have nothing to do with that."

Both teams have enjoyed their time in the Lone Star State leading up to Sunday. On Wednesday night, both teams competed in a drink or drown competition at the Shiner brewery in Shiner, TX. While there was not a clear cut winner, countless members of each team spent the night passed out on picnic tables and puking throughout the night. On Thursday, the teams reenacted the battle of the Alamo using paint balls, with the Wolf Pack winning a hard fought war. On Friday night, The Pessimists pulled out a narrow victory as the two teams competed on the riverwalk to see who get get the most women to flash them.

Both teams plan to conduct a walk-thru practice today in preparation for the big event tomorrow.

The Pessimists:

QB: Ben Roethliserger
RB: Rashard Mendenhall
RB: Matt Forte
WR: James Jones
WR: Hines Ward
TE: Heath Miller
FL: James Starks
K:  Mason Crosby
DE: Green Bay Packers

One-Man Wolf Pack

QB: Aaron Rodgers
RB: Shonn Greene
RB: John Kuhn
WR: Greg Jennings
WR: Mike Wallace
TE: Greg Olsen
FL: Johnny Knox
K:  Robbie Gould
DE: Pittsburgh Steelers

Round 2 Final Scores

The Pessimists @ Hit Squad

The Pessimists:

QB- Aaron Rodgers...39
RB- Ray Rice...10
RB- Ben-Jarvis Green-Ellis...5
WR- Wes Welker...5
WR- Mike Wallace...2
TE- Aaron Hernandez...0
FL- Rashard Mendenhall...15
K-  Mason Crosby...13
D-  New England Patriots...(-1)
Total...........................................88

Hit Squad

QB- Tom Brady...21
RB- Michael Turner...9
RB- Matt Forte...13
WR- Roddy White...11
WR- Deion Branch...11
TE- Tony Gonzalez...0
FL- James Starks...6
K-  Matt Bryant...3
D-  Chicago Bears...2
Total.......................................75

One-Man Wolf Pack @ Riley's Vikings

One-Man Wolf Pack

QB- Tom Brady...21
RB- Michael Turner...9
RB- Rashard Mendenhall...15
WR- Roddy White...11
WR- Greg Jennings...8
TE- Rob Gronkowski...6
FL- Wes Welker...5
D-  Chicago Bears...2
K-  Matt Bryant...3
Total........................................80

Riley's Vikings

QB- Aaron Rodgers...39
RB- Matt Forte...13
RB- Ladainian Tomlinson...10
WR-Johnny Knox...4
WR- Mike Wallace...2
TE- Tony Gonzalez...0
FL- BenJarvus Green-Ellis...5
D-  Seattle Seahawks...1
K-  Robbie Gould...5
Total.....................................79