Opening Statement: I can’t do anything here but congratulate the Illegal Alien Babies and head coach Darrell Campbell on their victory this past week. They flat out beat us all over the field. If you would’ve told me that Josh Freeman would have put up more points than Peyton Manning, there is no way I would have believed it. But then again, I also wouldn’t believe all of the injuries to Peyton’s weapons at wide receiver, tight end, and even halfback. I have not given up on my team. We will fight back.
Reporter: Coach Campbell, you say your team will fight back. Is this where your new team name comes from? Wow did you really just ask that? Yes of course that’s….. (Coach Campbell pauses and begins to lean over his podium, squinting his eyes trying to get a better look at the reporter) Is that a Charlie’s Redrockets hat you are wearing? (The reporter is immediately embarrassed and begins to apologize before being interrupted by Coach Campbell)……I don’t want to hear it! Get the hell out of my press conference! You come in here acting interested about my team, wearing the hat of this week’s enemy. (The reporter is escorted out by security) Next question from a fan of my team please.
(No one asks a question)
Ok, you don’t have to be fans of my team. We will win games without you. We are going to turn this season around without any support. Next question from anyone please.
Reporter: What is your gameplan for this week’s game against the Redrockets? Well, you have to attack your opponents’ weakness to win games. We know that Coach Matt Campbell has been blindsided by many things in his life, and it’s the only way to beat him. For instance, I have seen my brother blindsided by a low blow in a neighborhood wrestling match…..I have seen a rotten gourd broken on his back in a game of flashlight tag…..and I watched Michael Vick singlehandedly blindside him last week. So there it is, we plan to take them by surprise.
Reporter: We heard that the commissioner is considering implementing a rule next season just thanks to your actions. Is this true? Unfortunately, the members of the league have not approved of my team going through several name changes. So yes, the commish told me that this is my last allowed name change. We are very upset about it and would rather not talk about it. Next question please.
(Silence)
(Coach Campbell ended the press conference by asking himself questions and answering them. Unfortunately our reporters had all left by that point and didn’t record any of it.)
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