Opening Statement: WHOO!!!! TO BE THE MAN! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! YOU'VE GOTTA BEAT THE MAN! WHOOOOOOOO BABY!!!!!!! Riley's Vikings, you've been on the winning end in our previous matchups this year. You beat me multiple times in fantasy baseball. You beat me in our first meeting in fantasy football. BUT THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT! WHOOOOO!!!!! WE'RE COMING TO YOUR ISLAND IN THAT CRAP HOLE OF MEMPHIS, AND WE'RE TAKING OVER! WHOO!!!!!! (Coach Campbell struts across the stage again before resuming his position at the podium. The reporters in the room sit and stare in silent shock.) Somebody ask me some questions so I can get out of here! I've got things to do!
Reporter: Uhhh, Coach, are you under the influence of any type of narcotic right now? NARCOTIC? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! WHOO!!!! I'M JUST HIGH ON LIFE SON!
Reporter: Coach Campbell there are numerous rumors that you plan to win this weekend "by any means necessary," can you expand on what that means? MEAN! WHOO!!!!!! GENE! Or whatever your name is! Just like the Nature Boy is the dirtiest player in the game, I'm the dirtiest player in this league! We're going to pinch at the bottom of the piles! We're going to hit them with the eye gouge through their facemask! We're going to knock them silly with a low blow! WHOO!!! I'M GETTING FIRED UP JUST STANDING HERE THINKING ABOUT IT! (Coach Campbell struts across the stage again)
Reporter: Coach, with the NFL cracking down on malicious play, especially from the defense, aren't you worried about facing possible suspensions? Son, let me tell ya something right now! WHOO! Those suspensions are for the rookies! I've been around long enough that I've been grandfathered in! Hell, we can wear the one-bar face masks if we choose to!
Reporter: Coach, what's with the Ric Flair impersonation? Is he your favorite wrestler? Hell no! (Coach Campbell pulls out a boom box from under the podium and hits play.)
Song Lyrics Blaring Over the Conference Room: When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside! (Right on cue, Coach Campbell rips his shirt off, a la Hulk Hogan, and walks from one side of the stage to the other cupping his hand over his ear to listen to the roar of the crowd)
Reporter: So Hulk Hogan is your favorite wrestler?: (Coach Campbell stops the music. His face turns a pale, ghostly white color and appears almost lifeless. His eyes roll into the back of his head.) ADAM WARREN! (Coach Campbell impersonates the Undertaker cutting his throat before performing his finishing move) DEAD. MAN. WALKING. (Coach Campbell hits play on his boom box again.)
Song: DONG!.......DONG!........DONG!
(Coach Campbell stares into space for a few moments, rolls his eyes in the back of his head again, raises both arms to the sky, then lets out a blood-curdling scream before walking off the stage.)
No comments:
Post a Comment