Opening statement: “Our defensive coordinator, Andy McCollum, handed me his resignation this morning and I gladly accepted it. His bend but don’t break philosophy was simply not getting the job done. Opponents were averaging 119 points per game over the last 6 weeks and were averaging an astonishing 136 points per game in our last 3 contests. It may have begun after losing to the Thundering Turd when I told him he could no longer wear track suits on the sidelines. This prompted Slappy to go on a shopping spree looking for new Armani suits. He started leaving our facility early instead of watching game film and I gave him a warning last week. After this week’s game, I told him he had two choices – 1- Resign or 2- Prepare for his life to become a living hell of pain and suffering. Obviously, he chose the first and our organization has moved forward.”
On who are possible replacements for the new D-Coordinator: “I don’t want to speculate on that right now. For the foreseeable future, I will be handling both the offensive and defensive calls. There has been speculation that I may bring in Joshua Hughes to run the offense but those rumors are untrue as he has a current contract with Safety Blitz as a consultant. There is also speculation that I may be looking at Gary Rankin, Bobby Bowden, and Manny Diaz. While any of those three would make a nice addition, I don’t see us going after anyone just yet.”
On slipping into 7th place and out of the playoff picture: “We are not a very good team right now. We play like my golf game. If I hit the driver well, I can’t putt. If I hit my irons well, I shank my driver. If I hit the driver and irons, I 4-putt all day. We can’t seem to put together a complete game. It’s frustrating as hell and the extra work last week only seemed to make this team come out flat. I’ve got to go back to the drawing board.”
On the meeting with the teams Board of Directors: “After traveling back to Oakdale and meeting with our organizations Board of Directors (The Gun Rack), I was told that anything short of the playoffs would be considered a total failure. I responded by telling them that anything short of the Confederation Cup is a failure and they need to get on board with that philosophy and not take a mentality of being 2nd best at anything.”
“I would also like to clarify something printed earlier – I did not hitchhike back to Oakdale. I got some bad gas at the Shell station on the Monterey exit and had to call our director of player personnel Travis Lawson to come pick me up. We ran in the Burger King so he could eat something to sober up and when we came out someone had stolen his International, so we had to catch a ride with a trucker headed toward Oakdale.”
Closing statement: “This game against the Pessimists is a must win game. We are backed into a corner and we have to attack like a rabid Portuguese Man-O-War. That has to be our attitude for the rest of the season – Play like a crazed rampaging beast. I’m putting our team on notice – Win or prepare for an offseason of pure hell!”
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