*Coach Tara “Bone” Campbell enters the press room with her “Bitch Mode” facial expression. She sits in her seat, moves the microphone close and speaks in a low, monotone voice.*
Opening Statement: It has been a while since my last press conference. There is a good reason for that….my team sucks and I have not had anything good to report. My Big TDs are sagging under the pressure of competition. I have no excuses for their shortcomings. My staff and I are doing all that we know to do to help lift these Big TDs back up. I will take your questions, even though I can’t promise that I have any answers.
Reporter: Do you believe illness and injury have played a part in your team’s poor performance as of late?
Coach Bone: No. Every team has been touched by injury. That is why I have a bench. I expect them to perform when I call on them. I pay them millions don’t I? I expect them to put up points, regardless of whether they start or are step ins. But my bench has not lived up to their paychecks. Shit, neither have my starters.
Reporter: Do you feel that is due to a bad draft?
Coach Bone: I don’t think I had a bad draft. I just have poor performance. There is no point in discussing the draft at this point anyway. I have to work with what God gave me. And, right now, these are the biggest TDs I’ve got.
Reporter: Are the rumors of an unorthodox practice regimen for your squad in preparation for YGF true?
Coach Bone: I wouldn’t call it unorthodox. Shirts and skins have been the way teams practice for decades. Yes, it is true, that I burned all the practice jerseys for my team. We are going back to the basics. Our fans want to see some Big TDs so my team will scrimmage shirts versus skins until they perk up to fan expectations.
Reporter: You benched the Steelers defense and have been heard making comments about Mendenhall. Do you have something against the Steelers?
Coach Bone: Just because they are from the prettiest city I have ever been to, does not excuse the fact that the Steelers Defense has been useless this season going into Week 5. Mendenhall has not been consistent. I don’t ask that my TDs be the biggest, but I do expect them to hold their own week to week. Mendenhall has yet to do that. And the defense. ..I expected the Steelers defense to give my TDs the support they needed, but instead they just left me flopping in the wind. I have seen water bras serve as a better supporting cast than the Steelers defense this year. I will continue to bench both until they prove that they can consistently lift up these Big TDs and leave us a force to be reckoned with.
Reporter: How do you feel about going into Week 6 against YGF?
Coach Bone: How do you think I feel? Half my team…HALF MY TEAM…will be out this week. Of all weeks for me to play the number one team in the league, it has to be when half my team won’t be there. I am sure Coach Young feels pretty confident about his chances of a blowout this week. It is my hope that he will underestimate my Big TDs and be surprised by the fullness of my team’s desire to win.
I am done with questions now. I have made no bones about my disappointment in these Big TDs. It is the desire of everyone on my staff and my team that my Big TDs will perk up a bit and start banging some balls sometime soon. That being said, I will make no secret that I am not above shopping around for bigger TDs than what I currently have on my squad. No one’s position is safe!
No comments:
Post a Comment