-Portland, TN
According to various unconfirmed reports, Safety Blitz QB Eli Manning was involved in what some are referring to as a domestic dispute with Head Coach Phillip Campbell while on the team's U-Haul truck they were using for transportation to their game in Oakdale over the weekend.
In an attempt to spark his club from their pretty boy attitude, Coach Campbell opted to leave the team's charter plane sitting at the Portland Municipal Airport and instead rented a U-Haul moving truck and rode in the back with all of his players. Equipment manager Lynn King reportedly drove the truck from Portland to Oakdale.
While traveling on I-40 eastbound, Coach Campbell conducted a team meeting to determine the root of the team's six game losing streak. At some point during the meeting, Eli Manning and Coach Campbell got into a heated argument about who should start under center on Sunday. Manning, no stranger to controversy, reiterated his statement that he would never play for "The San Diego Chargers or Safety Blitz in my life." At this point, according to unnamed sources, Coach Campbell became enraged at being compared to "a bunch of surfer boys in Southern California" and took Manning by the neck, opened the rear door of the U-Haul, and held him out over the pavement in preparation for a choke slam onto the interstate. At this point, a passing vehicle full of topless women distracted Campbell long enough for Assistant Coach Josh Hughes to complete a 'Joshitsu' leg sweep and secure both men safely back inside the truck, where they were separated by team members.
Later that night, Manning was supposedly involved in a six player trade that will send him to Riley's Vikings. Rookie Andy Dalton received his first career start under center for Safety Blitz, who proceeded to lose their seventh straight game. At this point, it is unclear if and/or when any charges will be filed.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Week 3 Preview
Game of the Week: The Pessimists (+8) @ Team Maddux
In a rematch of the inaugural BHFFC Super Bowl, The Pessimists invade Columbia in the prime time matchup for Week 3. The Pessimists enter the game riding a six game winning streak and will look to take possession a league record seven game winning streak with a victory. Coach BJ Hudson will look to Ray Rice and Matthew Stafford to continue to lead his offense and is hopeful that Jonathan Stewart and Mike Williams can score enough to keep pace in this projected shootout. Team Maddux is battling the injury bug, as nine players are listed on the injury report this week, including key members of the starting lineup. Coach Zach Maddux is clearly focused on revenge this week, stating that "Romo can get a new lung in the offseason. We have to win on Sunday." Look for this game to be decided by Jonathan Stewart's ability to put up points and keep pace with the ground attack of Team Maddux.
Illegal Alien Babies (Even) @ Carmichael's Crusaders
The revamped Illegal Alien Babies bring their high scoring offense to face Carmichael's Crusaders, who are looking for their first win in franchise history. The Alien Babies will look to newly acquired QB Tom Brady to set the pace offensively and keep pace in the Thunder division. Coach Darrell Campbell will deploy his spread attack and has a whopping eight starters projected to score in double figures. Carmichael's Crusaders will look to enter the win column behind Adrian Peterson and Calvin Johnson, arguably the best players in the league at their respective positions. Coach Ethan Hudson is optimistic that Josh Freeman can produce solid numbers and will play within himself as he attempts to matchup with the red-hot Brady. Look for this game to be decided by the defenses and the kicking game.
Safety Blitz (+14) @ Young Gun Football
Safety Blitz and Young Gun Football matchup in Hell's Fury III in Oakdale in what is sure to be a bone crunching affair. Safety Blitz enters the game on the heels of a six game losing streak and appear to be in a mode of desperation. Just this morning, Coach Phillip Campbell announced that Andy Dalton will replace Eli Manning under center on Sunday, presumably due to a matchup issue with his defense. YGF hopes that Aaron Rodgers can continue to perform as the best QB in football against the rival Bears' defense. Coach Jason Young hopes that his wishbone offensive attack will continue to put up big numbers on Sunday. A key to this game may be each team's matchups, as YGF has three players that will be faced with tough crowds in Chicago and Oakland.
Tebow's Youth Group (+4) @ Maddawg's Tight End
These two future family members square off in their first ever matchup this weekend at Columbia Academy in a key non-divisional matchup. Tebow's Youth Group will start four new players on Sunday in Philip Rivers, Mark Ingram, Chris Johnson, and David Nelson. Coach Daniel Campbell believes the changes will make a statement to his team "that nobody's position is safe." Maddawg's Tight End will look to stay in the win column for the second week in a row behind LeSean McCoy and Andre Johnson, two of the most explosive players in the BHFCC. Coach Miranda Maddux believes that Marshawn Lynch will finally get on track this week against Arizona and contribute to a victory. Look for this game to be determined by which defense puts up bigger numbers, as both have favorable matchups in Week 3.
Campbell's Cougars (-25) @ Play Action Pass
Campbell's Cougars travel to Monterey with the biggest spread in league history as Play Action Pass is looking for answers following a tough loss in Week 2. Campbell's Cougars have 8 starters projected to hit double figures, led by 22 from Vincent Jackson. Coach Matthew Campbell is looking for Vernon Davis to step up and produce this weekend, as the highly touted tight end has not been impressive in the early parts of the season. Play Action Pass will look to Drew Brees to continue to lead the offensive attack, as they have scored over 100 points in both games this year. Coach David Looper has inserted Danny Woodhead into his flex position, impressed with how the young back thrust into the endzone head first to score last week. This game could easily come down to a matchup of rookie wide receivers, as AJ Green and Julio Jones look to be key contributors on Sunday.
Riley's Vikings (-2) @ We Got Big TDs
Riley's Vikings will make the four hour bus trip to Portland to take on We Got Big TDs on Sunday. Riley's Vikings are hopeful that 1st round draft choice Michael 'The Dog Catcher' Vick will be able to suit up and play following a concussion in Week 2. Coach Adam Warren does not seem to be too concerned with the injury, instead telling Vick about the time that he ripped half of his chin off diving into the fence at Western Kentucky. We Got Big TDs will look to continue their winning ways behind Matt Schaub and what looks to be an offensive shootout against the Saints. Coach Tara Campbell will deploy her 'big set' on Sunday, Rashard Mendenhall, Peyton Hillis, and Mike Tolbert make up the most bruising backfield in BHFFC history. Lok for this game to be determined by Nate Washington, the likely replacement for injured playmaker Miles Austin.
Divisional Comparison
Last season, the Lighting Division pulled away late to secure a 26-19 record versus the Thunder Division. In addition, both teams in the BHFFC Super Bowl were members of the Lightning Division. Week 3 marks the first week of two straight non-divisional weekends.
Streaks of Gold and Coal
The Pessimists are currently riding a six game winning streak, which ties them with Young Gun Football for the longest winning streak in BHFFC history. A win on Sunday over Team Maddux would give them a record seventh consecutive win. On the contrary, Safety Blitz is riding what is already a league record six game losing streak. The road doesn't get any easier for Coach Phillip Campbell's squad as they invade Oakdale and Hell's Half Acre on Sunday.
Matchup History
Young Gun Football is 2-0 against Safety Blitz...The Pessimists are 1-2 versus Team Maddux, losing both regular season games before solving Team Maddux in the BHFFC Super Bowl...Campbell's Cougars and Play Action Pass split their two matchups last year...Riley's Vikings and We Got Big TDs split their two meetings last year as well.
Home (Not So) Sweet Home
Home teams are a combined 5-7 so far this season, as Tebow's Youth Group, Young Gun Football, and We Got Big TDs the only teams to hold serve so far this season.
League Notes
All 12 teams are projected to score over 100 points this weekend, which is a league record...The Illegal Alien Babies and Carmichael's Crusaders are both projected to lead the league with 135 points each...Philip Rivers is projected to lead all players with 29 points...Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice are projected to lead all mail carriers with 24 points...Vincent Jackson is projected to have another huge week and lead all receivers with 22 points...Jason Witten is projected to lead all tight ends with 15 points...Alex Henery is projected to lead the kickers with 12 points while singing the Henry the VIII song (see below)...The Cowboys are projected to lead all defenses with 12 points...Only five league teams have scored more points than they have allowed after two weeks of play.
In a rematch of the inaugural BHFFC Super Bowl, The Pessimists invade Columbia in the prime time matchup for Week 3. The Pessimists enter the game riding a six game winning streak and will look to take possession a league record seven game winning streak with a victory. Coach BJ Hudson will look to Ray Rice and Matthew Stafford to continue to lead his offense and is hopeful that Jonathan Stewart and Mike Williams can score enough to keep pace in this projected shootout. Team Maddux is battling the injury bug, as nine players are listed on the injury report this week, including key members of the starting lineup. Coach Zach Maddux is clearly focused on revenge this week, stating that "Romo can get a new lung in the offseason. We have to win on Sunday." Look for this game to be decided by Jonathan Stewart's ability to put up points and keep pace with the ground attack of Team Maddux.
Illegal Alien Babies (Even) @ Carmichael's Crusaders
The revamped Illegal Alien Babies bring their high scoring offense to face Carmichael's Crusaders, who are looking for their first win in franchise history. The Alien Babies will look to newly acquired QB Tom Brady to set the pace offensively and keep pace in the Thunder division. Coach Darrell Campbell will deploy his spread attack and has a whopping eight starters projected to score in double figures. Carmichael's Crusaders will look to enter the win column behind Adrian Peterson and Calvin Johnson, arguably the best players in the league at their respective positions. Coach Ethan Hudson is optimistic that Josh Freeman can produce solid numbers and will play within himself as he attempts to matchup with the red-hot Brady. Look for this game to be decided by the defenses and the kicking game.
Safety Blitz (+14) @ Young Gun Football
Safety Blitz and Young Gun Football matchup in Hell's Fury III in Oakdale in what is sure to be a bone crunching affair. Safety Blitz enters the game on the heels of a six game losing streak and appear to be in a mode of desperation. Just this morning, Coach Phillip Campbell announced that Andy Dalton will replace Eli Manning under center on Sunday, presumably due to a matchup issue with his defense. YGF hopes that Aaron Rodgers can continue to perform as the best QB in football against the rival Bears' defense. Coach Jason Young hopes that his wishbone offensive attack will continue to put up big numbers on Sunday. A key to this game may be each team's matchups, as YGF has three players that will be faced with tough crowds in Chicago and Oakland.
Tebow's Youth Group (+4) @ Maddawg's Tight End
These two future family members square off in their first ever matchup this weekend at Columbia Academy in a key non-divisional matchup. Tebow's Youth Group will start four new players on Sunday in Philip Rivers, Mark Ingram, Chris Johnson, and David Nelson. Coach Daniel Campbell believes the changes will make a statement to his team "that nobody's position is safe." Maddawg's Tight End will look to stay in the win column for the second week in a row behind LeSean McCoy and Andre Johnson, two of the most explosive players in the BHFCC. Coach Miranda Maddux believes that Marshawn Lynch will finally get on track this week against Arizona and contribute to a victory. Look for this game to be determined by which defense puts up bigger numbers, as both have favorable matchups in Week 3.
Campbell's Cougars (-25) @ Play Action Pass
Campbell's Cougars travel to Monterey with the biggest spread in league history as Play Action Pass is looking for answers following a tough loss in Week 2. Campbell's Cougars have 8 starters projected to hit double figures, led by 22 from Vincent Jackson. Coach Matthew Campbell is looking for Vernon Davis to step up and produce this weekend, as the highly touted tight end has not been impressive in the early parts of the season. Play Action Pass will look to Drew Brees to continue to lead the offensive attack, as they have scored over 100 points in both games this year. Coach David Looper has inserted Danny Woodhead into his flex position, impressed with how the young back thrust into the endzone head first to score last week. This game could easily come down to a matchup of rookie wide receivers, as AJ Green and Julio Jones look to be key contributors on Sunday.
Riley's Vikings (-2) @ We Got Big TDs
Riley's Vikings will make the four hour bus trip to Portland to take on We Got Big TDs on Sunday. Riley's Vikings are hopeful that 1st round draft choice Michael 'The Dog Catcher' Vick will be able to suit up and play following a concussion in Week 2. Coach Adam Warren does not seem to be too concerned with the injury, instead telling Vick about the time that he ripped half of his chin off diving into the fence at Western Kentucky. We Got Big TDs will look to continue their winning ways behind Matt Schaub and what looks to be an offensive shootout against the Saints. Coach Tara Campbell will deploy her 'big set' on Sunday, Rashard Mendenhall, Peyton Hillis, and Mike Tolbert make up the most bruising backfield in BHFFC history. Lok for this game to be determined by Nate Washington, the likely replacement for injured playmaker Miles Austin.
Divisional Comparison
Last season, the Lighting Division pulled away late to secure a 26-19 record versus the Thunder Division. In addition, both teams in the BHFFC Super Bowl were members of the Lightning Division. Week 3 marks the first week of two straight non-divisional weekends.
Streaks of Gold and Coal
The Pessimists are currently riding a six game winning streak, which ties them with Young Gun Football for the longest winning streak in BHFFC history. A win on Sunday over Team Maddux would give them a record seventh consecutive win. On the contrary, Safety Blitz is riding what is already a league record six game losing streak. The road doesn't get any easier for Coach Phillip Campbell's squad as they invade Oakdale and Hell's Half Acre on Sunday.
Matchup History
Young Gun Football is 2-0 against Safety Blitz...The Pessimists are 1-2 versus Team Maddux, losing both regular season games before solving Team Maddux in the BHFFC Super Bowl...Campbell's Cougars and Play Action Pass split their two matchups last year...Riley's Vikings and We Got Big TDs split their two meetings last year as well.
Home (Not So) Sweet Home
Home teams are a combined 5-7 so far this season, as Tebow's Youth Group, Young Gun Football, and We Got Big TDs the only teams to hold serve so far this season.
League Notes
All 12 teams are projected to score over 100 points this weekend, which is a league record...The Illegal Alien Babies and Carmichael's Crusaders are both projected to lead the league with 135 points each...Philip Rivers is projected to lead all players with 29 points...Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice are projected to lead all mail carriers with 24 points...Vincent Jackson is projected to have another huge week and lead all receivers with 22 points...Jason Witten is projected to lead all tight ends with 15 points...Alex Henery is projected to lead the kickers with 12 points while singing the Henry the VIII song (see below)...The Cowboys are projected to lead all defenses with 12 points...Only five league teams have scored more points than they have allowed after two weeks of play.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Safety Blitz-Hell's Fury III Press Conference
Opening Statement: Let me open by saying that I am extremely disappointed in my football team. It is no secret that we are in the middle of a six game losing streak dating back to last season. Our front office is upset, our fans are upset, my players are upset, and I am upset. We will not make excuses. The bottom line is winning, and right now we aren't getting it done. We're going into one of the most hostile environments in the BHFFC this weekend with our backs against the wall. But just like I told my guys, when your back is against the wall, there's only one direction you can go.
Chris Berman: Rumbling, tumbling, bumbling, stumbling, BOOM! Coach, it appears that on paper you should have a better record than what you have. How disappointed are you in your team's start to the season?
Coach Campbell: Thanks for stopping by Boomer, I was worried that you wouldn't be able to fit through our narrow walkways here at our facility. Needless to say I'm very disappointed. I think we need the Swami to make a bold prediction in our favor this weekend for some added luck in our corner. Next question. Oh wait a minute, Boomer, let me get through the buffet line before you go, ok? Thanks.
Stuart Scott: Booyah! Coach C-YGF is hotta than a Chinese peppa-how you gonna slow dey roll?
Coach Campbell: God bless, didn't we have this problem last week? Stuart, bring a translator or stay the hell out of my press conferences. Next question.
Marv Albert: Coach Campbell, if I may, what is your strategy for slowing down the juggernaut that is YGF?
Coach Campbell: Marv, why are you only wearing a pair of panties and a belt? The last time you wore that outfit you got fired for biting some woman in the back 15 times! What a crazy SOB! Next question!
Mart Smeets (Father of Tjerk-appearing via satellite): PC! How is America! I love to eat big f$@!ing Americana steak! Great f$@!ing country! I love it! Good luck from across the pond on Sunday!
Coach Campbell: Holy Jesus! Smeets' father! Tell Tjerk congrats on proposing to his woman at the closing ceremonies of the 2008 Beijing Olympics! May the anteater rejoice!
Cecil Joyce: Big Phil! Thanks for having me again man. Talk a little about your series with YGF and what it takes to win in the town of 'Honeycutt.'
Coach Campbell: Honeycutt? Wow, Cecil, I'm impressed, you've done your homework. Let me get back to that in a minute. It's no secret that we are winless against YGF in two attempts. We lost both games last year by a combined 13 points. Both games were low-scoring, defensive wars and I would expect nothing less this Sunday. Last year, however, and these past two weeks of the season, we were more of a steam-powered locomotive. This week, we have upgraded to a diesel engine. The story goes like this: Oakdale was formerly known as 'Honeycutt' because of the Honeycutt family that originally settled the area. Oakdale is the sight of a railyard that was once vital to the Cincinatti Southern Railway. As such, the population boomed to 2,500 civilians. However, once the railroad industry advanced from steam power to diesel, the railyard in Oakdale lost its significance and thus most of its citizens. By 2000, their population was all the way down to 244 Oakdalians, including Travis Lawson and his pet goats and chickens. An interesting note about the population of Oakdale is that it is 100.00% white. That could pose an interesting scenario on Sunday as over 75% of my team is non-white.
Vince McMahon: Coach Campbell, you have no right to Diesel whatsoever. If you ever mention his name again I will sue your sorry ass!
(The sound of glass shattering echoes through the intercom system. Stone Cold busts through the doors and promptly delivers a Stone Cold Stunner on McMahon)
Stone Cold Steve Austin: Coach Campbell will say whatever the f$#! he wants, and that's the bottom line, cause STONE COLD SAID SO!!!
Chris Berman: Rumbling, tumbling, bumbling, stumbling, BOOM! Coach, it appears that on paper you should have a better record than what you have. How disappointed are you in your team's start to the season?
Coach Campbell: Thanks for stopping by Boomer, I was worried that you wouldn't be able to fit through our narrow walkways here at our facility. Needless to say I'm very disappointed. I think we need the Swami to make a bold prediction in our favor this weekend for some added luck in our corner. Next question. Oh wait a minute, Boomer, let me get through the buffet line before you go, ok? Thanks.
Stuart Scott: Booyah! Coach C-YGF is hotta than a Chinese peppa-how you gonna slow dey roll?
Coach Campbell: God bless, didn't we have this problem last week? Stuart, bring a translator or stay the hell out of my press conferences. Next question.
Marv Albert: Coach Campbell, if I may, what is your strategy for slowing down the juggernaut that is YGF?
Coach Campbell: Marv, why are you only wearing a pair of panties and a belt? The last time you wore that outfit you got fired for biting some woman in the back 15 times! What a crazy SOB! Next question!
Mart Smeets (Father of Tjerk-appearing via satellite): PC! How is America! I love to eat big f$@!ing Americana steak! Great f$@!ing country! I love it! Good luck from across the pond on Sunday!
Coach Campbell: Holy Jesus! Smeets' father! Tell Tjerk congrats on proposing to his woman at the closing ceremonies of the 2008 Beijing Olympics! May the anteater rejoice!
Cecil Joyce: Big Phil! Thanks for having me again man. Talk a little about your series with YGF and what it takes to win in the town of 'Honeycutt.'
Coach Campbell: Honeycutt? Wow, Cecil, I'm impressed, you've done your homework. Let me get back to that in a minute. It's no secret that we are winless against YGF in two attempts. We lost both games last year by a combined 13 points. Both games were low-scoring, defensive wars and I would expect nothing less this Sunday. Last year, however, and these past two weeks of the season, we were more of a steam-powered locomotive. This week, we have upgraded to a diesel engine. The story goes like this: Oakdale was formerly known as 'Honeycutt' because of the Honeycutt family that originally settled the area. Oakdale is the sight of a railyard that was once vital to the Cincinatti Southern Railway. As such, the population boomed to 2,500 civilians. However, once the railroad industry advanced from steam power to diesel, the railyard in Oakdale lost its significance and thus most of its citizens. By 2000, their population was all the way down to 244 Oakdalians, including Travis Lawson and his pet goats and chickens. An interesting note about the population of Oakdale is that it is 100.00% white. That could pose an interesting scenario on Sunday as over 75% of my team is non-white.
Vince McMahon: Coach Campbell, you have no right to Diesel whatsoever. If you ever mention his name again I will sue your sorry ass!
(The sound of glass shattering echoes through the intercom system. Stone Cold busts through the doors and promptly delivers a Stone Cold Stunner on McMahon)
Stone Cold Steve Austin: Coach Campbell will say whatever the f$#! he wants, and that's the bottom line, cause STONE COLD SAID SO!!!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Young Gun Football-Hell's Fury III Press Conference
Coach Young: “This is a big rivalry week with Safety Blitz heading down here for Hell’s Fury III. I will take a few questions in a minute about last week’s game and then we are moving on. Yeah, we are 2-0 again. Last year we won what? Our first 4 or 5 in a row? We finished at the top in the regular season…and what did that get us? NOT…ONE…DAMN…THING!!! The only thing that matters around here is winning. Have you not seen our Jumbotron feature with Charlie Sheen saying “Winning”? As far as I’m concerned, until we hoist the Confederation Cup over our heads this team, this organization, and this city are nothing but losers. We will not take the foot off the accelerator until we are crowned the greatest dynasty of the BHFFC! Now, I’ll take one question about last week’s game and we’re moving on to Hell’s Fury III.”
Adam Sparks, DNJ: “Coach Young, were you disappointed in anyone’s performance this week?”
Coach Young: “Let me ask you a question Sparks, did we win the game? Should I be disappointed in winning? Every guy on Young Gun Football played his guts out as far as I’m concerned and we won by a good margin and you think I should be disappointed. Security, get this loser off my property and make sure Joe Theisman doesn’t try to slip back in here either. I’ve had enough stupid questions from these slimebag reporters already. Next question!”
Bob Costas, HBO: “Coach, while filming our new sports documentary “Hell’s Fury: To Hell & Back” documenting your rivalry with Coach Phil Campbell, we unknowingly discovered another HBO video that never aired entitled “Cathouse 6: Campbell’s Cougars Offseason Extravaganza at the Bunny Ranch”. In this video you clearly see all 5 Campbell’s from the BHFFC at the brothel discussing strategy of how to beat Young Gun Football. Are you concerned about the wealth of information that is being passed between these family owned franchises?”
Coach Young: “Finally, a reporter who has done some research. But let me correct one thing Costas, there were 4 Campbell’s discussing strategy and the other was working there.”
Costas: “Coach Young, are you saying Coach Tara “T-Bone” Campbell was moonlighting as a high dollar escort at the Bunny Ranch during the offseason?”
Coach Young: “Absolutely not Bob, I was speaking of Matthew. And back to your question, I don’t care if all 11 other teams in the BHFFC get together 365 days of the year to try to scheme ways to stop this organization from winning; we will still be prepared and come out victorious I can assure you.”
Coach Young: “No more questions. I’m going to speak solely about this week’s game. Safety Blitz was in a similar situation last season when we met the first time and they played like a crazy rabid chupacabra feasting on some rancher’s cattle, but we were able to hold the line and came out of last season with 2 victories to start this rivalry. I know Coach Campbell well enough to know that his team will be even more ravenous this time around. They are wounded, they are desperate, and they are pissed. I’ve had some WWII vets come in here this week and tell us about landing at Normandy Beach because that’s what I believe Safety Blitz will have in store for us this week. A true Blitzkrieg. We will be prepared though; make no mistake about that. Hell’s Half Acre will be rocking this week as our crowd knows what’s at stake and I have no doubt that we will be 3-0, albeit a little bloody and bruised, and leave Safety Blitz to stew until Week 17 when we have to visit the Devil’s Den.”
Adam Sparks, DNJ: “Coach Young, were you disappointed in anyone’s performance this week?”
Coach Young: “Let me ask you a question Sparks, did we win the game? Should I be disappointed in winning? Every guy on Young Gun Football played his guts out as far as I’m concerned and we won by a good margin and you think I should be disappointed. Security, get this loser off my property and make sure Joe Theisman doesn’t try to slip back in here either. I’ve had enough stupid questions from these slimebag reporters already. Next question!”
Bob Costas, HBO: “Coach, while filming our new sports documentary “Hell’s Fury: To Hell & Back” documenting your rivalry with Coach Phil Campbell, we unknowingly discovered another HBO video that never aired entitled “Cathouse 6: Campbell’s Cougars Offseason Extravaganza at the Bunny Ranch”. In this video you clearly see all 5 Campbell’s from the BHFFC at the brothel discussing strategy of how to beat Young Gun Football. Are you concerned about the wealth of information that is being passed between these family owned franchises?”
Coach Young: “Finally, a reporter who has done some research. But let me correct one thing Costas, there were 4 Campbell’s discussing strategy and the other was working there.”
Costas: “Coach Young, are you saying Coach Tara “T-Bone” Campbell was moonlighting as a high dollar escort at the Bunny Ranch during the offseason?”
Coach Young: “Absolutely not Bob, I was speaking of Matthew. And back to your question, I don’t care if all 11 other teams in the BHFFC get together 365 days of the year to try to scheme ways to stop this organization from winning; we will still be prepared and come out victorious I can assure you.”
Coach Young: “No more questions. I’m going to speak solely about this week’s game. Safety Blitz was in a similar situation last season when we met the first time and they played like a crazy rabid chupacabra feasting on some rancher’s cattle, but we were able to hold the line and came out of last season with 2 victories to start this rivalry. I know Coach Campbell well enough to know that his team will be even more ravenous this time around. They are wounded, they are desperate, and they are pissed. I’ve had some WWII vets come in here this week and tell us about landing at Normandy Beach because that’s what I believe Safety Blitz will have in store for us this week. A true Blitzkrieg. We will be prepared though; make no mistake about that. Hell’s Half Acre will be rocking this week as our crowd knows what’s at stake and I have no doubt that we will be 3-0, albeit a little bloody and bruised, and leave Safety Blitz to stew until Week 17 when we have to visit the Devil’s Den.”
Carmichael's Crusaders Press Conference-Week 3
*Coach Hudson approaches the podium in a state of disbelief*
Coach Hudson: Where do I even start? Plain and simple, this is just not the way you want to start a football season. Coming into a new league you always want to make an immediate impact, and this sorry excuse for a team has got to step it up. I want our fans to know that we are hard at work and we are addressing these issues. Soon you will be proud to cheer for the Crusaders. Alright then, I’ll take your questions now.
Reporter: Coach what do you think has been the biggest factor in your team’s losses so far this season?
Coach Hudson: How long do you have?? I guess the main problem right now is that we just aren’t taking advantage of our matchups. We have to execute better, and really get things going, especially on the defensive side of the ball. We’ve had a couple of poor performances by our defense, and I can tell you we are ready to change that.
Reporter: I understand you’ve had to deal with some injuries early on, has that had an effect on the team’s morale?
Coach Hudson: I would be lying if I said it didn’t, but we have stressed to the players that it’s important to stay focused and keep moving forward. With Marques going down in week 1 we were already forced to make changes early. That’s one of the reasons we decided to trade for Calvin, but based on the way Marques was playing before the injury it may have been an even better trade than we expected.
Reporter: What exactly do you mean by that?
Coach Hudson: Well, let’s just say we might not be seeing ole stone hands for quite some time. Next question!
Reporter: Could you talk a little more about the details of the trade?
Coach Hudson: Sure, we sent Matthew Stafford, and Chad Ochocinco to The Pessimists for Calvin Johnson, Matthew Hasselbeck, and Willis McGahee. We felt that Josh could step up and fill the starting role and we couldn’t pass up a player of CJ’s caliber. I don’t think it would be reaching to say we have arguably the three best receivers in the league now. Matt and Willis were key additions also, and they bring much needed experience to the team.
Reporter: How are you game planning this week for Coach Campbell and his Illegal Alien Babies?
Coach Hudson: We’re actually in the process of that now. There’s been talk of them acquiring Tom Brady and Beanie Wells, so we have definitely been keeping that in mind. We want to get to the Quarterback early and hit them, shake em up, cause em to make bad throws. Regardless of who plays, we will be ready. I should also point out we have specifically planned to shut down Steve Smith. He’s had a couple big games and we want that to end this week. Luckily their running attack isn’t as big a problem. On offense we really need Adrian and Josh to bring their A game this week.
Reporter: Thanks for your time coach, is there anything else you’d like to add?
Coach Hudson: I just want to go on record and say that I am absolutely thrilled to be a part of this league! We have a lot of great owners and coaches, and I look forward to a great competitive rest of the year. We’re ready to get our first win this week, it’s time to get the ball rolling. Thank you.
Campbell's Cougars Press Conference-Week 3
Coach Campbell--It feels good to get in the win column. Our crowd, which is nothing but Cougars hand picked by yours truly, were a little uneasy after week 1's defeat. Hot women don't like being with losers. But I assured them during last Wednesday's nude massage and hot tub session that the team was fixing our problems and would perform better in week 2. Most coaches spend all their time practicing football, but I believe that you have to spend quality time with your fan base as well. Especially when your fan base is made up of nothing but exotic women age 30 and up. In addition to our massages we also have trampoline day, mud wrestling, sleepovers, best picture text contests, and weekly meetings at Tootsies and the Bunganut Pig. I have a great relationship with our fan base and it pays off on the weekend.
Reporter--Coach it sounds like all that you do is flirt with old women.
Coach--Thank you Captain Obvious.
Jim McGuire--Okay okay, here we go! Campbell holding a press conference. Doesn't talk about anything but women.............Jesus Christ. Wait a minute, I think my wife gets a massage on Wednesdays. Damnit Campbell!!
Coach--Whoopsie!!!! By the way, we are having a Cougar meeting this Saturday night backstage at the Tin Roof. Our special guest motivational speaker will be none other than Randy Rogers! It looks to be an exciting and informative session. See you all there. We will also have a pep rally Thursday around one led by Langdon "no mic needed" Stanley. YOU CAN'T HIDE THAT COUGAR PRIDE!!!!!!
Reporter--Coach it sounds like all that you do is flirt with old women.
Coach--Thank you Captain Obvious.
Jim McGuire--Okay okay, here we go! Campbell holding a press conference. Doesn't talk about anything but women.............Jesus Christ. Wait a minute, I think my wife gets a massage on Wednesdays. Damnit Campbell!!
Coach--Whoopsie!!!! By the way, we are having a Cougar meeting this Saturday night backstage at the Tin Roof. Our special guest motivational speaker will be none other than Randy Rogers! It looks to be an exciting and informative session. See you all there. We will also have a pep rally Thursday around one led by Langdon "no mic needed" Stanley. YOU CAN'T HIDE THAT COUGAR PRIDE!!!!!!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Week 2 Recap
Game of the Week: Illegal Alien Babies (91) @ Safety Blitz (89)
The Illegal Alien Babies successfully hopped the border and pulled off the victory over a raucous Safety Blitz crowd at The Devil's Den over the weekend. Coach Darrell Campbell raced to an early lead behind Larry Fitzgerald and Steve Smith, then utilized his kicking game to withstand a furious late rally. QB Philip Rivers put up solid numbers yet again, posting 22 points despite turning it over 3 times. Safety Blitz was led by 18 points from Eli Manning, but it was the quarterback's costly interception on the first drive of the game that ultimately cost Coach Phillip Campbell's squad a chance to pull even. In a cruel twist of bad luck for Safety Blitz, three players were each within one yard of earning an additional point, which would have resulted in a winning effort.
The Pessimists (118) @ Riley's Vikings (84)
The Pessimists continued their torrid offensive pace in the opening weeks of the season and in the process improved their league record winning streak to a league record six games dating back to last season. The Pessimists were led by newly acquired QB Matthew Stafford, who torched the maligned Chiefs' defense for 4 touchdowns and total points. Coach BJ Hudson watched triumphantly as seven of his nine starters scored in double digits. Riley's Vikings struggled to put points on the board for the second straight week, prompting Coach Adam Warren to throw his visor repeatedly on the sideline. The upstart Detroit Lions' defense led the Vikings with a 21 point effort, but it wasn't nearly enough as 7 of the 9 starters scored in single digits.
Tebow's Youth Group (79) @ Campbell's Cougars (95)
Tebow's Youth Group was hit with the injury bug on Sunday in falling on the road to Campbell's Cougars. Youth Group RB Jamaal Charles will miss the remainder of the season after tearing his ACL early in the 1st quarter of his game against the Lions. The blow is a tough one for Coach Daniel Campbell to swallow, as his squad is already thin at the running back position. Tom Brady continued to impress, scoring 34 points in the losing effort. Campbell's Cougars were led by a 29 point explosion from wide receiver Vincent Jackson, who is attempting to establish himself as a dominant receiver after a dismal 2010 season. Coach Matthew Campbell was also pleased with the play of newcomer Mike Sims-Walker, who put up 92 yards receiving in his Cougars' debut.
Carmichael's Crusaders (108) @ Young Gun Football (132)
Carmichael's Crusaders made an impressive showing at Hell's Half Acre over the weekend, but it wasn't enough as Young Gun Football exploded for a 24 point victory. The Crusaders received a huge performance from running backs Adrian Peterson and Willis McGahee, who combined to score 42 points in the losing effort. Coach Ethan Hudson was pleased with the play of Calvin Johnson, who scored 14 points after being acquired in a trade less than 2 hours prior to kickoff. Young Gun Football scored 6 total touchdowns in the offensive onslaught, led by two each from Aaron Rodgers and Tony Gonzalez. Coach Jason Young was concerned after the game, however, as star receiver DeSean Jackson is reportedly suffering from a sore buttocks.
Team Maddux (102) @ We Got Big TDs (133)
Team Maddux put up a valiant fight before faltering late in a road contest against We Got Big TDs. Team Maddux was led by a 25 point effort from Tony Romo, collapsed lung and all. Coach Zach Maddux was visually upset after the game and reportedly got into a shoving match with Reggie Bush, Plaxico Burress, and Jermaine Gresham in the team's locker room. We Got Big TDs pulled away late in the game behind Miles Austin and Jason Witten, who combined to score 42 points. All was not roses, however, as Austin pulled a hamstring and will reportedly miss 2-3 weeks. Coach Tara Campbell will spend the week focusing on personnel decisions, as she stated that improving her depth is a top priority this week.
Maddawg's Tight End (115) @ Play Action Pass (103)
Maddawg's Tight End earned their first league victory in Monterey over Play Action Pass behind a strong showing from LeSean McCoy. Maddawg's Tight End was led by the previously mentioned McCoy's 23 points, who helped to offset a 1 point performance from Marshawn Lynch. Coach Miranda Maddux received a huge day from her 3-headed monster at WR, as Kenny Britt, Andre Johnson, and Mike Wallace combined for 52 points. Play Action Pass by another strong performance from Drew Brees, who put up 28 points in a rout over the Bears. Coach David Looper was disappointed in the play of Felix Jones, telling reporters after the game that the Flex position will be open for competition this week.
Trading Spaces
The Pessimists and Carmichael's Crusaders successfully completed the first trade of the season just prior to kickoff on Sunday. In addition, trade rumors have been swirling from at least seven different camps lately as injuries and lack of production are taking a toll on league managers.
Manager Prediction Standings
Poll Results
By a final vote of 9-1, it was determined that CJ is not worth the money he will make under his new contract. *Note-The 10 votes received in the poll were a league record*
League Notes
Only two teams are undefeated after Week 2, The Pessimists and Young Gun Football...Only two teams are winless after Week 2, Safety Blitz and Carmichael's Crusaders...Seven teams scored over 100 points in Week 2...Three teams scored over 100 points and lost...The average margin of victory in Week 2 was 19.8 points...The favorites going into Week 2 went a combined 2-4...Home teams went 3-3 during Week 2...We Got Big TDs led all teams with 133 points...Campbell's Cougars bench scored 81 points...Safety Blitz was defeated by the Illegal Alien Babies by two points and their benches tied with 43 points each...Tom Brady led all players with 34 points...Miles Austin led all wide receivers with 32 points...Darren McFadden led all starting running backs with 24 points...Tony Gonzalez led all starting tight ends with 20 points...Adam Vinatieri and Rob Bironas led all kickers with 15 points each...The Detroit Lions led all defenses with 21 points...Play Action Pass leads the league with 244 total points scored...Campbell's Cougars leads the league with 151 points scored against...Team Maddux and The Pessimists are the only two teams who have yet to play at home this season...Seven of the 12 league teams have given up more points than they have scored.
The Illegal Alien Babies successfully hopped the border and pulled off the victory over a raucous Safety Blitz crowd at The Devil's Den over the weekend. Coach Darrell Campbell raced to an early lead behind Larry Fitzgerald and Steve Smith, then utilized his kicking game to withstand a furious late rally. QB Philip Rivers put up solid numbers yet again, posting 22 points despite turning it over 3 times. Safety Blitz was led by 18 points from Eli Manning, but it was the quarterback's costly interception on the first drive of the game that ultimately cost Coach Phillip Campbell's squad a chance to pull even. In a cruel twist of bad luck for Safety Blitz, three players were each within one yard of earning an additional point, which would have resulted in a winning effort.
The Pessimists (118) @ Riley's Vikings (84)
The Pessimists continued their torrid offensive pace in the opening weeks of the season and in the process improved their league record winning streak to a league record six games dating back to last season. The Pessimists were led by newly acquired QB Matthew Stafford, who torched the maligned Chiefs' defense for 4 touchdowns and total points. Coach BJ Hudson watched triumphantly as seven of his nine starters scored in double digits. Riley's Vikings struggled to put points on the board for the second straight week, prompting Coach Adam Warren to throw his visor repeatedly on the sideline. The upstart Detroit Lions' defense led the Vikings with a 21 point effort, but it wasn't nearly enough as 7 of the 9 starters scored in single digits.
Tebow's Youth Group (79) @ Campbell's Cougars (95)
Tebow's Youth Group was hit with the injury bug on Sunday in falling on the road to Campbell's Cougars. Youth Group RB Jamaal Charles will miss the remainder of the season after tearing his ACL early in the 1st quarter of his game against the Lions. The blow is a tough one for Coach Daniel Campbell to swallow, as his squad is already thin at the running back position. Tom Brady continued to impress, scoring 34 points in the losing effort. Campbell's Cougars were led by a 29 point explosion from wide receiver Vincent Jackson, who is attempting to establish himself as a dominant receiver after a dismal 2010 season. Coach Matthew Campbell was also pleased with the play of newcomer Mike Sims-Walker, who put up 92 yards receiving in his Cougars' debut.
Carmichael's Crusaders (108) @ Young Gun Football (132)
Carmichael's Crusaders made an impressive showing at Hell's Half Acre over the weekend, but it wasn't enough as Young Gun Football exploded for a 24 point victory. The Crusaders received a huge performance from running backs Adrian Peterson and Willis McGahee, who combined to score 42 points in the losing effort. Coach Ethan Hudson was pleased with the play of Calvin Johnson, who scored 14 points after being acquired in a trade less than 2 hours prior to kickoff. Young Gun Football scored 6 total touchdowns in the offensive onslaught, led by two each from Aaron Rodgers and Tony Gonzalez. Coach Jason Young was concerned after the game, however, as star receiver DeSean Jackson is reportedly suffering from a sore buttocks.
Team Maddux (102) @ We Got Big TDs (133)
Team Maddux put up a valiant fight before faltering late in a road contest against We Got Big TDs. Team Maddux was led by a 25 point effort from Tony Romo, collapsed lung and all. Coach Zach Maddux was visually upset after the game and reportedly got into a shoving match with Reggie Bush, Plaxico Burress, and Jermaine Gresham in the team's locker room. We Got Big TDs pulled away late in the game behind Miles Austin and Jason Witten, who combined to score 42 points. All was not roses, however, as Austin pulled a hamstring and will reportedly miss 2-3 weeks. Coach Tara Campbell will spend the week focusing on personnel decisions, as she stated that improving her depth is a top priority this week.
Maddawg's Tight End (115) @ Play Action Pass (103)
Maddawg's Tight End earned their first league victory in Monterey over Play Action Pass behind a strong showing from LeSean McCoy. Maddawg's Tight End was led by the previously mentioned McCoy's 23 points, who helped to offset a 1 point performance from Marshawn Lynch. Coach Miranda Maddux received a huge day from her 3-headed monster at WR, as Kenny Britt, Andre Johnson, and Mike Wallace combined for 52 points. Play Action Pass by another strong performance from Drew Brees, who put up 28 points in a rout over the Bears. Coach David Looper was disappointed in the play of Felix Jones, telling reporters after the game that the Flex position will be open for competition this week.
Trading Spaces
The Pessimists and Carmichael's Crusaders successfully completed the first trade of the season just prior to kickoff on Sunday. In addition, trade rumors have been swirling from at least seven different camps lately as injuries and lack of production are taking a toll on league managers.
Manager Prediction Standings
- Matthew Campbell 4-2 (.667)
- Tara Campbell 4-2 (.667)
- Phillip Campbell 2-4 (.333)
Poll Results
By a final vote of 9-1, it was determined that CJ is not worth the money he will make under his new contract. *Note-The 10 votes received in the poll were a league record*
League Notes
Only two teams are undefeated after Week 2, The Pessimists and Young Gun Football...Only two teams are winless after Week 2, Safety Blitz and Carmichael's Crusaders...Seven teams scored over 100 points in Week 2...Three teams scored over 100 points and lost...The average margin of victory in Week 2 was 19.8 points...The favorites going into Week 2 went a combined 2-4...Home teams went 3-3 during Week 2...We Got Big TDs led all teams with 133 points...Campbell's Cougars bench scored 81 points...Safety Blitz was defeated by the Illegal Alien Babies by two points and their benches tied with 43 points each...Tom Brady led all players with 34 points...Miles Austin led all wide receivers with 32 points...Darren McFadden led all starting running backs with 24 points...Tony Gonzalez led all starting tight ends with 20 points...Adam Vinatieri and Rob Bironas led all kickers with 15 points each...The Detroit Lions led all defenses with 21 points...Play Action Pass leads the league with 244 total points scored...Campbell's Cougars leads the league with 151 points scored against...Team Maddux and The Pessimists are the only two teams who have yet to play at home this season...Seven of the 12 league teams have given up more points than they have scored.
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